WWWP

Ugh, my life has been so crazy lately. Let me just start from the beginning:

When I first moved to Sonoma County I was thrilled at the plethora of attractive men. It seemed that everywhere I looked there were mature, well-dressed, clean cut guys, and they all appeared to be more or less my age. (Ah, the beauty of living in a college town.)

One guy in particular caught my eye early on. He worked at Bradley’s Video in Santa Rosa, and I have to say, I’ve never rented so many DVD’s in a months time. I have Netflix! I was finding various reasons to lurk around the store on days he was working. Was I obsessed? Probably. You would have been too if you’d seen this tall glass of water.

Weeks went by and I hadn’t yet worked up the nerve to talk to him. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would give him the perfect first impression. He most likely already thought I was a creep. That or a novice film critic on a mission to critique every movie ever made.

One night while I was winding down at home with movie (imagine that!) and a cup of tea, after an especially tiring day of trying to capture a picture of Mr. Bradley’s Guy on my camera phone in stealth, my mom broke the horrible news to me: Bradley’s Video was closing down. CRAP!!

That night I brought into being a resolution. It was elaborate, and complex, and so crazy that it might just work: I was going to talk to him.

I spent a few days away from the video store mentally preparing myself and hoping to give the allusion that I wasn’t stalking anyone. I gave myself pep-talks in front of the bathroom mirror and drew out a step by step fool-proof game plan. It went into great detail and was color coded. If everything went as I hoped, I would catch him Friday afternoon, around 1 o’clock when he was just starting that days shift, introduce myself, explain my illogical yet indisputable attraction to him, cross my fingers and ask him to dinner. It was a solid plan in theory, but they always start out that way. Thursday night I fell asleep practicing what I would say and thinking about what I should wear.

Friday afternoon I showed up to the video store a good 15 minutes early like an idiot, and Mr. Bradley’s Guy was in the middle of his lunch. I tripped on the door frame and stumbled into the store, flipped my hair and tried to walk gracefully up to the counter where he was seated. I couldn’t very well pour my heart out to him while he was eating, so I decided there was nothing I could do but awkwardly make small talk until he finished.

“Hey.” Ugh! Too peppy.

“Hi…”

“Whatcha eating?”

“Sweetbreads. Can I help you?”

“Oh, I’m just… hanging out. What kind of bread? I like zucchini bread. I made these really awesome zucchini bread muffins one time… I could make you some if you want.” Shut up, Stephenie. Shut up.

“No, not sweet bread… sweetbreads. It’s French.” Oh Christ. He’s cultured!

“Oh, cool. I like… food.” Someone kill me now.

“Yeah… So I see you around here a lot.”

“R-really?” Oh for the love of…

“You like movies I take it?”

“Movies. Is. Good.”

“Haha, yeah. Some are.” Please don’t ever stop smiling, Mr. Bradley’s Guy.

Deep breath. “I’m Stephenie, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you.” Sweet Jesus, that smile… “I was wondering when one of us would have the courage to break the ice.” Say what?

“SoIwaswonderingifyouwanttogotodinnerwithmesomet ime.”

“Well I was going to ask you to a movie, it seemed more your ‘thing.’”

“I like movies.” Ah, jeeze.

“So I hear. Hey, I’ve still got another half hour before my shift starts …I have something for you out in my car I’ve been meaning to give to you.” Wow. A go-getter.

I muttered an “ok” and followed him out to his car. “I’m parked right over here.” He pointed toward a row of cars including a ghastly monster truck, a shiny red sports car and my own. I began walking to the sports car, envisioning myself cruising around in the passenger seat, and in the future painting “Just Married” onto the back window, but suddenly he opened the door to the giant, muddy, green and yellow big-wheeler. The worst part? There was a McCain/Palin bumper sticker on the huge back bumper. Right above the one that said “Mmm, brains.” What. The. Crap.

It’s ok, you can look past this, I assured myself. Maybe it’s on there as a joke. “Something wrong?”

“No, no, of course not,” I covered. “I just didn’t expect you to drive something like… this” I gestured to the ozone killing, mud flap wearing, gas eating hunk of metal before us.

“She’s my baby,” he laughed. Very interesting; I didn’t detect a single feminine detail about the thing. I climbed the 200 feet into the passenger seat and he held out a CD.

“What’s this?”

“I made you a mix. That’s pretty old school, I know.”

“No, it’s great! Thank you!”

“Well I feel like a zombie; I’m going to walk over and get some coffee next door. Want any?”

“Ok, sure. I’ll just hang out here I guess.” After taking my order like a gentleman, he told me how to work the stereo and walked to the coffee shop. I hated to see him go, but dang it was nice watching him leave. Completely filled with butterflies, I put the CD in, thinking about what had just happened and tried to calm down. I couldn’t believe that he liked me too! What are the chances? Eww, what is this crap he has on this mix? Laughter in the Rain by Neil Sedaka… weird. Next. Timothy by the Buoys. Who in their right mind writes a song about cannibalism? And who listens to it?! Next. Zombie by the Cranberries. Next. Rob Zombie. What is happening? Maybe he was just in a weird phase the day he made this for me… I took the CD out, picked up his case off the backseat and began flipping through it.

I could never have prepared myself for what I saw. My stomach turned and I threw the case across the cab. How could this be? How could I have not prepared myself for a disappointment like this? He had a Jonas Brothers CD. JONAS BROTHERS!! Oh, the humanity!

Out of the rearview mirror I saw him walk out of the coffee shop. Oh no! I had to compose myself. I flipped down the visor and checked my face in the small mirror. A small recipe for sweetbread fell out of it. He cooks! How endearing. Maybe I should borrow the recipe and make it for him! Ingredients: thymus glands. Say what now? Enough is enough. He’s just strange.

I was so devastated about his horrific taste in music and odd liking for eating animal glands I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see him again, but something about what he had said before kept me in my seat.

He was happily eating a thymus gland.

He had a bumper sticker that said “Mmm, brains.”

He said he felt like a zombie and needed coffee.

Mr. Bradley’s Video Guy was a zombie disguised as a human.

Immediately, the zombie knew that I had seen through his charade, he dropped the coffee and began running toward me. I quickly opened the truck door and sprinted away from the truck toward the opposite end of the shopping center. The zombie was soon in chase, crashing into parked cars as he made his way toward me. I jumped over some parking cones and made my way across the street. The zombie followed, tossing pedestrians aside.

While I fought my way through the maze of vehicles, the zombie continued to pursue me through the street traffic. Cars veered off the road and people gathered to watch the chase. He was gaining fast. I had no other option but to make my way into the nearest building: a small venue where Hannah Montana was making a special appearance.

I burst through the doors, startling the security guards. Directly behind me, the zombie slammed through a window, burying several twelve year old girls in glass and debris. I maneuvered my way through the chaos towards the back exit. The pre-teens were little more than a screaming annoyance for the zombie.

I used the precious time these pre-pubescent children had given me to make my escape into the courtyard located behind the building. I scrambled up a ladder to a statue-like structure resembling a guitar. Quickly I developed a plan. My goal was to skip across the picnic tables and trash cans then jump to a tree which I could climb, then jump to the roof of the building and perhaps flag down a passing helicopter.

I began my trek across the picnic tables just as the zombie charged outside, his hands and mouth still fresh with the blood of the innocent. He let out a low snarl and continued his chase after me.

I let go of all planning and ran to end the end of the courtyard. I leaped for a tree branch just as the zombie’s sharp teeth clamped down on my pant leg. I grasped the branch tightly as the impact caused us to sway and the zombie collided with the tree, sending him into a daze.

I saw this as my best opportunity not only for escape, but for victory. I leapt from the tree onto the ground below and grabbed a stray branch that had been torn from the tree. The zombie was slowly coming to his senses so I had to act fast. I ran to the monster and thrust the jagged end of the branch into his jaw and through it's skull.

When I was sure he was dead I fell to the ground in a heap of exhaustion and pain, and wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. I noticed a crowd had gathered about 10 feet away, watching my epic battle. I stood up and brushed myself off, flipped my hair and cleared my throat. I looked to the crowd of children dressed in Hannah Montana attire and said loudly: “THAT’s how it’s done.”

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#DEMODFROWNLAND
#TERMLIMITSFORMODERATORS

dac

wat?

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Piss Me Off

If you want to get a date you should tell them that story.

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Mojo

Hah, what the **** is that story all about?

Before it got to the chase and murdering I was gonna say it could be a Seinfeld script.

simplephysics

Today I found out that I have an enemy.

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cardboard adolescent

yeah, i hate it when that happens.

lucylamppost

haha great story

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Halfa

lol awesome story dude.

the ****in pool was set up for long course today which ment i couldnt get in during 1st period or after school damnit......i'm getting obese and i need to be in shape. the season starts soon.

we got a new singer today. i am so stoked. my voice sucks.

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Check it out: www.myspace.com/sdotldotidotpdot

Watch your step.

zflor

cool story, but a bit weird twist though

anticipation

i lost all my music today.