What the ****?

Is your landlord related to this person? What does 'on our property' mean? Like somewhere in the space you're renting or something else?

It doesn't sound legal.

No real user has 48k+ posts on MusicBanter. That's not real.

They’re not related afaik, but are old friends I think? He is the landlord’s “handyman” but is not skilled nor handy. He had his dilapidated van towed to right outside our bedroom window and is living in it. He doesn’t come into the house or bother us, but he’s also not fixing any of the very apparent issues on the property we’ve requested be resolved for years. Like, if you’re gonna be here at least earn your keep? We suspect the landlord is letting him stay on the property in lieu of payment for his services (he did successfully turn the water off when a pipe burst last week).

It’s 100% illegal, but wtf am I gonna do?

Real loud music. At least he might move his van.

Report to a local housing authority or codes compliance office for your city. Make sure it's anonymous too and let them know you want to keep it anonymous out of fear of retaliation from the landlord.

Remember a decade ago when I was complaining about Shed Ted?

Now I’ve got Van Stan.

I have no beef with the homeless man himself, it’s the landlord and his audacity that fills me with murderous rage.

Bob the Scumlord: Stan will be there as soon as possible. He will be parking his van on the property overnight.

My guy on Friday: Hey Bob, just wanted to confirm that Stan fixed the water problem on Thursday. He is still parked on the property - how long should we expect him to be here?

Bob: The water’s fixed right? I don’t understand the issue. Stan is homeless and is waiting for an interview to get into the [local homeless shelter] and has permission to be on the property.

Me: When you said Stan would be parking on the property overnight, we were under the impression that meant he’d be here for one night.

Roommate: We were not aware Stan would be here for more than one night. Thanks for the clarification.

Meanwhile: *Bob chastises Stan for being nuisance to his tenants*

LANDLORD MURDERED IN FRENZIED ATTACK!

Police were still searching for a motive after a well-known landlord was butchered in his home in a manner police described as "intense". The only clue were the words YOU SAID ONE NIGHT YOU ****ING BASTARD! scrawled in what appeared to be the victim's blood on the wall.

Efforts to locate a homeless man, known to have been an associate of the landlord, are continuing. It is believed he may have headed for the Mexican border.

Update:

Van Stan invited his homeless girlfriend onto the property, which I was alerted to at 4AM when my dog started raising hell and trying to get outside. I told the very inebriated guest she was not welcome on the property and had five minutes to gtfo before I let Mulder get to work clearing the property of trespassers.

Van Stan apologized and said he’d tell her she can’t come here again. I told him if any other guests show up they’ll have my dog and my .22 to contend with. I’ll take your eye out, bitch.

If a squirrel tries to rob your house you'll be ready.