Yeah, 14-15. It's actually kind of a funny story. Growing up I never once thought of myself as a boy. I never had any interest in "boy things" and always questioned why there was such division between boys and girls. I wasn't sure I was a girl either, but I knew with certainty that I wasn't a boy.

In September 2004 my high school had an anti-bullying seminar thing where my principal said something along the lines of "this school will not tolerate bullying of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people".

That was the first time I had ever heard the word transgender. I searched on the internet for it and I was immediately overcome with emotion. All my life I had no idea there were people who changed their birth gender, and I instantly knew this was what I was feeling. I don't know what would have happened if that principal hadn't piqued my interest on that day, it's like fate, or something. I began to proudly say to my friends that I wanted to just not be a boy and be a girl.

I got some **** for it, but overall my friends were more supportive than my family. I think it helped that I live in a fairly liberal city and hung out with the alternative kids, I was very much what you'd call an emo kid back then. A lot of my other friends ended up being queer too, one came out as a trans man not long after I came out. Mostly people at my high school just thought I was weird, gave me a confused glance, and then went back to ignoring me. Being trans was way, way less known about back then.

It's been a crazy ride for sure.

My introduction to trans people was the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and as horribly transphobic as that movie is it was the first time I thought to myself "wait a minute, you can become a woman even if you were born with (as Ace would say) Captain Winky?" and I would have been about 8 years old at the time.

I also remember watching all those trashy talk shows that have trans people on and they were always treated like some sideshow but it still stirred my imagination, especially when I saw trans people who could pass as cis.

Then puberty happened and I just bottled all that sh*t up and tried to affirm my masculinity in pretty embarrassing ways for like the next 10 years.

And then in the late 00s I discovered websites like YouTube, Tumblr and Reddit that exposed me to other trans people and it was then that I started becoming increasingly fascinated with the subject while still denying I was trans myself because if I was trans I would have figured it out sooner right? The more and more obsessed I became the harder it was to deny my true feelings.

There's an old poll I made way back in 2010 where I asked Music Banter members if they were satisfied with their gender, I remember being upset that so many female members said they weren't and so many guys said they were, I think a lot of those answers may have had more to do with gender roles than dysphoria, but I was just flabbergasted that anyone would PREFER to be a man, all the while denying I was trans.

It's painful to look back at that thread, I was still using pretty transphobic language at the time.

And now I think about how much of that repression had to do with the deeply conservative culture that I grew up in, and how things could have been different if I was born somewhere more accepting.

If it makes you feel any better I will always see you and respect you as an autist.

Feeling worse today than yesterday. No energy. No sense of taste. Body hurts. I'm going back to bed

That sucks. I hope you feel better soon.

In a subdued, impartial way, that's my reaction too, Synthgirl. Congrats on your journey to become who you want to be.

If you're lucky, and vaccinated, that should only last four or five days, Key. Lots of liquids, lots of bed rest is the best thing to do for the moment. As per another thread, it's a good chance to read Moby Dick. (joke, of course)

Synthgirl and Queen Boo, congratulations from me as well. I admire both of you for your determination and struggle to become your authentic selves. Things can only get better from here.

Key, I hope you feel better soon. As Lisna said, plenty of fluids and bed rest are...key to recovery from Covid. ;) Take care of yourself.

I saw that movie too, at probably around the same age. I just didn't register that it was a thing real people actually did. My child brain wasn't thinking about the actual implications of it back then.

Thank you both so much!

what would you consider transphobic language?