D*ke has never had the same impact as f**got, and yes, plenty of people identify as d*kes (butch or otherwise), but you'll be hard pressed to find many gay men who identify as "f**got". And even if some do or use it themselves in other contexts, this is their choice to make, and much like with the n-word, people who are not gay men do not (or should not) get to make that choice.

You should probably take a saltshakerful of your own advice and avoid trying to be the authority on how acceptable the n word is as a white man.

If we're getting into shoulds and should nots maybe you shouldn't take it so hard, it's a word, not a dick. ;)

Clever. You would share the same advice to black people being called the n-word?

No because those two things are incomparable

Care to elaborate?

Black people bash back with the most frightening force so white people justify their acquiescence to their verbal demands by pretending they’re more vulnerable to the pain inflicted by hate speech than other and even far weaker minority groups. The acceptable narrative is never going to be the simple truth that whites are just simply afraid of blacks. It’s that their experience demands special consideration as if homosexuals have it relatively easy and aren’t in fact just an easier target.

And ftr the word d yke is brutal af where I live. I’m not in the Bay Area. Being a lesbian here is a one way ticket to permanent second class status for life here. Lesbians are ostracized socially and professionally. They’re not invited to book clubs, they’re shunned at church and they have no outlet to build social networks. As a result they don’t get hired, they don’t get promoted and poverty is weaponized against them. Poor women are more likely to be assaulted and raped and even murdered. So it’s not like a particularly gentle slur. At least not here in Jesusland.

Of course it depends on context. Identifying as something doesn't necessarily mean the word is harmless though. I identify as a d*ke (the word makes me go 'yay that's me!') but where I come from it's malicious enough that I'd frown if just anyone used it (the Dutch equivalent to the word d*ke is 'pot' btw, it is very similar in use and offensiveness). Also adi has a point that ***got seems to be universally much worse than d*ke.

Sure. I had the stigma of 'd*ke' hanging over me before I even knew I was gay
To me personally that aspect of homophobic slurs is worse than the actual homophobia. But that's because I've suffered much more from not conforming to gender norms than I have from being gay.