Your Day

**Marie Monday** · 01-05-2020, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre

I went to a bar in downtown SLC playing 80s new wave and then we went to a goth club that was also playing 80s new wave. I got really drunk but none of the alcohol or the music could mask my anxiety and depression. I've been going back into a downward mood swing and I just can't escape the, I guess, ptsd thoughts. The feelings of loneliness, self pity, extreme anxiety and guilt. Guilt for what? I don't know. I guess when you spend your whole life being taught to hate yourself you just feel an unshakable existential guilt that not even weird 80s dance music can cure. Even being cuter than Post Malone doesn't help in these moments. I'd rather not be cute and be okay with being. I can't afford medication. I have a hard time coping with people and anxiety so it's hard to retain jobs even if I like both the job and the people. People always talk about solutions to suicidal thoughts but they never leave 'suicide' on the table when I'm fairly sure it's a solution and the only one I can actually take. Or the easiest one. I gave myself 3 years in 2016 to pull myself out and I'm still here and I don't know if I want to keep trying or muster up the courage to finally quit.

Weird question, but if I ever decide to kill myself would you guys want to know, like a quick goodbye or should I just keep it to myself? If I ever commit to that decision I never want to put myself in a situation where people can stop me, but I also want people who wouldn't know better and, for what ever weird reason, have grown attached to me, to know so they don't have to wonder. Maybe it's better to let people wonder because they could be like "Man, maybe Colbey is probably doing much better now". Well, I posted this so probably not. I even screwed that up. No. Suck my dick from the back, Music Banter. I can kill myself how ever I want and if I want. I'm the cute Post Malone FFS.

Yes, I would prefer to know, because I care and if I didn't know it would only haunt me while suspecting the worst anyway.
I'm always annoyed by people claiming that suicide isn't an option, because of course it is, and ignoring that only sounds inconvincing. The thing is that it's one of the worst options. If you feel like it's pretty much the only option left, you don't really have anything to lose, which gives you a lot of freedom to try and make things better. And even though you have a lot to deal with, you also clearly have a lot of potential to make things better: you're intelligent, you clearly have strength if you've made it this far, and you have talent.
This feels so ineffective. I can never read things like this and just ignore them, but everything that I can say feels so weak in the face of the things that you, and some other people here, deal with. Just know that I'd gladly be of any help in case ever I can be.

Lisnaholic · 01-05-2020, 08:31 AM

^ Well said, Marie.

I can't pretend to understand what you are going through, Lucem, so please feel free to disregard the following if it doesn't fit your real circumstances:-

I know that people like you on MB - and hanging out with people who like you might help you to unlearn this:-

Quote:

I guess when you spend your whole life being taught to hate yourself you just feel an unshakable existential guilt that not even weird 80s dance music can cure.

Without being aware of it, parents and teachers routinely dole out guilt to children; the adults don't see the impact of what they're saying and the children are too vulnerable or young to defend themselves against it. One antidote to an acquired feeling of guilt from figures of authority might be to trust more in the judgement of your peers, the people who know you and like you, instead.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre

I went to a bar in downtown SLC playing 80s new wave and then we went to a goth club that was also playing 80s new wave. I got really drunk but none of the alcohol or the music could mask my anxiety and depression. I've been going back into a downward mood swing and I just can't escape the, I guess, ptsd thoughts. The feelings of loneliness, self pity, extreme anxiety and guilt.

^ May I make a comment about the bolded, Lucem? You know that alcohol is a depressant that (despite initial euphoria) causes exactly those kinds of negative feelings, right? I'd suggest trying to move away from that "short up, long down" cycle that drinking can induce.

On the topic of suicide, I don't feel very comfortable about giving advice online, but people here are interested about you Lucem: people do care, to the extent that that is possible on the internet. Stay strong, keep writing. I believe that many anxieties can be alleviated by communication and discussion; even if the discussion may not throw up an actual solution, the process itself can be helpful.

OccultHawk · 01-05-2020, 09:00 AM

You’re a good dude Lucem

I ain’t got no ****ing answers but I really believe that when you look in the mirror you’re justified in believing you’re a good person. Everyone is flawed. That’s just the nature of humanity and I’m not throwing this out cheaply but I think the world is a better place because you’re in it. We’re not better off without you; we’re better off with you. I don’t mean just music banter either.

grindy · 01-05-2020, 09:02 AM

I really hope it doesn't come to that, Lucem. You are cool (and pretty smart) and I really hope that at some point your life stabilizes a bit, which would hopefully make it easier to deal with the horrible **** that is haunting you and possibly even find a bit of happiness in life.
It would be sad to see you robbed of that opportunity, even if it might seem far-fetched to you at the moment.
I've been obsessing about suicide at a few points in my life, although I had a far better hand dealt to me than you. I never really tried anything and it was more of an OCD persistent thought thing anyway, but I'm so happy I didn't act on it. Life is so damn good nowadays.

The Batlord · 01-05-2020, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lisnaholic

One antidote to an acquired feeling of guilt from figures of authority might be to trust more in the judgement of your peers, the people who know you and like you, instead.

Unfortunately when you hate yourself you just assume the people who like you don't know you well enough, are lying, are poor judges of character, or are just stupid. It doesn't really help that much.

The Batlord · 01-05-2020, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre

Weird question, but if I ever decide to kill myself would you guys want to know, like a quick goodbye or should I just keep it to myself?

Oh and I'd like a PM. I won't try to give you pithy bull**** to stop you but I will adopt your signature so that everyone will always be uncomfortable reading my posts.

WWWP · 01-05-2020, 01:49 PM

How depressing to suicide in Utah. Please at least try another state out first.

The Batlord · 01-05-2020, 01:57 PM

I keep saying it. I mean he's not that far from Vegas. At least self-destruct in a cool place.

The Batlord · 01-05-2020, 02:21 PM

Sid Vicious would have thrown a bottle at you.

The Batlord · 01-05-2020, 02:35 PM

Bro he hated the bitch he was ****ing and like killed her maybe I dunno and he was on drugs and died before punk crashed so he should be your hero.

01-05-2020, 09:00 AM	#67163 (permalink)
OccultHawk one-balled nipple jockey Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Dirty Souf Biatch Posts: 22,006	You’re a good dude Lucem I ain’t got no ****ing answers but I really believe that when you look in the mirror you’re justified in believing you’re a good person. Everyone is flawed. That’s just the nature of humanity and I’m not throwing this out cheaply but I think the world is a better place because you’re in it. We’re not better off without you; we’re better off with you. I don’t mean just music banter either. __________________ 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 Member of the Year & Journal of the Year Champion Behold the Writing of THE LEGEND: https://www.musicbanter.com/members-...p-lighter.html

01-05-2020, 09:02 AM	#67164 (permalink)
grindy . Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: . Posts: 7,201	I really hope it doesn't come to that, Lucem. You are cool (and pretty smart) and I really hope that at some point your life stabilizes a bit, which would hopefully make it easier to deal with the horrible ** that is haunting you and possibly even find a bit of happiness in life. It would be sad to see you robbed of that opportunity, even if it might seem far-fetched to you at the moment. I've been obsessing about suicide at a few points in my life, although I had a far better hand dealt to me than you. I never really tried anything and it was more of an OCD persistent thought thing anyway, but I'm so happy I didn't act on it. Life is so damn good nowadays. __________________ A smell of petroleum prevails throughout.**