If you're good with mental notes you don't need a list.

I buy new pens cause I don't want to reuse them after anal play masturbation.

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amateurs

It's surprisingly hard to find suitable household items to shove up your ass.

Mine's made of unvarnished wood. How would you even deal with a colon splinter?

Cover it with shrink wrap.

Then I'd have to put lube on it or it would stick to my insides. I should probably just buy a dildo from Amazon.

The plunger I posted costs around 5 dollars. Way cheaper and it's hands free.