Your Day

~~MicShazam~~ · 09-07-2018, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 66Sexy

I hide in my own world and do the least possible because that's all I can handle. I don't even know how much this is because of my family's toxic influence or how much this is because I didn't have so many of my family that my relatives did to shock me into being something I never wanted to be. I have several family members who I think legit would be better off living in that isolated island I want to live on where we got island time and no expectations on us to make us miserable. But I got family members who may or may not be the same but maybe all the blows to the face short circuited them so that they became legit successful people and the abuse was somehow ****ing better for them. Man, I don't know. I think I was definitely born in the wrong family. I wasn't meant to be exposed to so many A-type personalities.

I will never have children. Never. And if I **** up and do then I'll probably have a mental breakdown from the pressure of being nothing like my family. My best defense against this is simply to end my DNA strand.

I don't think that's any better. You'd be more successful by standardized parameters, but you'd be ****ed in the head from the abuse and carry some of that bad stuff on with you. I can't imagine abuse actually being for the better. Even someone who was beaten and learned to "pull himself together" would be pulling himself together in a really neurotic, damaged kind of way. If abuse could breed successful people, it would be stern, buttoned up successful people who are incomplete on the inside.

You've got a lot of self-insight and you're able to loosen up and approach life with honesty and an easy going attitude. Burger King employee or not, I'd consider that a winning hand in some ways.

~~MicShazam~~ · 09-07-2018, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 66Sexy

My mother never hit me like that but I still got hit in a way that ****ed me up. But I almost wish I got that level of abuse cause I like to imagine just how it would have destroyed me in a way that I'd be able to look back at and been even more sick and ****ed up than I already am. Abuse is ****ed up like that. It makes you feel like it's funny after the fact. My entire immediate family has this "funny" story about the right hand side of my grandparents' dinner table where my grandfather sat at the head of the table, my grandmother sat at his left side, and my mother, aunts, and uncles would rush to the table so that they wouldn't get the seat on his right side cause that was "the death seat". That's the seat that got physically assaulted during meals. We all laugh about it cause of course we laugh at it. Abused families laugh at abuse I guess, or at least mine does. I know it's wrong but I still laugh cause it makes sense in our family.

The idea of laughing at getting hit is oddly empowering. I feel like I didn't get hit enough to justify how ****ed up I am. But if I'd suffered through what my mother and her siblings did I'd have something to fight against and be able to shove my face into his face to act as a panacea to my fear. But now I just feel like I kinda got the shaft but not enough to justify how I feel right now.

Humor is most definetely a coping mechanism in a lot of ways. Also an interesting way to frame things. That having lived through more abuse would make your feelings feel justified. I've personally found that perspective can change how much I suffer a lot, but I don't know how to figure out what the "proper" level of suffering and self-pity I should be feeling is.

The Batlord · 09-07-2018, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicShazam

I don't think that's any better. You'd be more successful by standardized parameters, but you'd be ****ed in the head from the abuse and carry some of that bad stuff on with you. I can't imagine abuse actually being for the better. Even someone who was beaten and learned to "pull himself together" would be pulling himself together in a really neurotic, damaged kind of way. If abuse could breed successful people, it would be stern, buttoned up successful people who are incomplete on the inside.

You've got a lot of self-insight and you're able to loosen up and approach life with honesty and an easy going attitude. Burger King employee or not, I'd consider that a winning hand in some ways.

Oh hell yes. The family members I know due to them still living in my vicinity are ****ed up people who clearly have a level of Stockholm Syndrome that they'll probably never shake and if I were the same I'd be destroyed in quite possibly a more dysfunctional way than I already am. My mother wasn't a perfect parent but she absolutely tried not to be my grandfather and she's told me this multiple times. I've been bitter enough to throw this in her face before but I still understand that her childhood was toxic to a point that she can't help but be a product of it. We've even had the conversation about children and she's agreed that maybe I shouldn't have children because I've admitted that I could do the same to my children that happened to her. I don't hold that against her. I think she might very well be right, and even if she isn't her experience was intense enough that there's no way she could shake it.

But at the same time her siblings who don't live here are often successful to a point that I can't shake the idea that the only way to overcome our misery and bubble world are to beat us out of it. It's simply not something that logic can convince me of otherwise. They may have left simply to not deal emotionally with my grandfather but I got family members who are at least on the edge of being rich and it's hard not to compare yourself to that **** and wonder why I'm not that way.

It's simply something that destroys your ability to look at it rationally and when your parent has had the same thing to go through then where is the logic? It's just the most confusing and toxic thing to wonder about yourself.

~~MicShazam~~ · 09-07-2018, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 66Sexy

Oh hell yes. The family members I know due to them still living in my vicinity are ****ed up people who clearly have a level of Stockholm Syndrome that they'll probably never shake and if I were the same I'd be destroyed in quite possibly a more dysfunctional way than I already am. My mother wasn't a perfect parent but she absolutely tried not to be my grandfather and she's told me this multiple times. I've been bitter enough to throw this in her face before but I still understand that her childhood was toxic to a point that she can't help but be a product of it. We've even had the conversation about children and she's agreed that maybe I shouldn't have children because I've admitted that I could do the same to my children that happened to her. I don't hold that against her. I think she might very well be right, and even if she isn't her experience was intense enough that there's no way she could shake it.

But at the same time her siblings who don't live here are often successful to a point that I can't shake the idea that the only way to overcome our misery and bubble world are to beat us out of it. It's simply not something that logic can convince me of otherwise. They may have left simply to not deal emotionally with my grandfather but I got family members who are at least on the edge of being rich and it's hard not to compare yourself to that **** and wonder why I'm not that way.

It's simply something that destroys your ability to look at it rationally and when your parent has had the same thing to go through then where is the logic? It's just the most confusing and toxic thing to wonder about yourself.

Yeah I imagine it's hard not to wonder, if there's a disparity in how well of family members are. I just think that what's inside your head is what defines most of how you experience the world, so while money is sadly important in a lot of ways - not least feeling a sense security - I'd give away a lot before I'd trade what I've fought to gain in terms of perspective and my attitude towards life.

I can't help but compary myself to my siblings, who both have significant others and a more stable life situation. But in some ways, I think I'm further along in terms of learning things about myself. If you live the whole man + wife + 2 kids & a house dream, you don't necessarily have a lot of space for self discovery. I don't know if that sounds like much of a trade-off for anyone else, but it does to me. At this point, I'm not even sure I want to live anything but alone.

No history of abuse in my family though, so the difference between me and my siblings is more due to them just being born less weird than me. I was always a bit "off".

OccultHawk · 09-07-2018, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kiiii

I have been trying to talk to this punky blue vested secretary lady at work for almost 3 months now and I physically can not manage it

-candid Kiiii

ftfy

Now quit being a bitch

OccultHawk · 09-07-2018, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elphenor

salt in the wounds

dude

you’re a great looking young and smart

Don’t waste it ffs

**Frownland** · 09-07-2018, 08:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

ftfy

Oof. Brutal. You're right though.

Key · 09-07-2018, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

ftfy

Now quit being a bitch

?

Justthefacts · 09-07-2018, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elphenor

my anxiety med dealer sucks and is unreliable

very scurry all 100lbs of her

We needs pictures or else she doesn't exist and you're only making her up in your head.

OccultHawk · 09-07-2018, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kiiii

?

lol