You and that cop would be seeing a lot of each other if you had that thing. Might even become friends.

I just wanna find that old ****er I passed. I got something for him.

You should offer the cop a toke. He obviously needs to chill.

If this were another Steve Martin stand-up era, he was already too short.

My professor said I sneeze like a baby deer

My professor said I'm a deer who wants to **** a sexy skunk.

I would've posted this yesterday, but it was midnight when I got home and I was tired from running around the kitchen at school. Had my Sanitation and Intro to Pro Cooking classes. I'm expected to show up to class every week wearing the chefs outfit they had me buy. Managed to cut myself at least twice while cooking in the kitchen. Lol.

I have a special needs child in my shop right now with his father and the kid is touching EVERYTHING. He has already stopped a record by pressing his hand down on it, started unscrewing a $400 light fixture, and was poking at our fire extinguisher. I had to intervene all three times. The father is not watching him at all. He's looking at books. The child is actually pretty well behaved but can't help himself sometimes. Just now, he went outside and I had to tell the father that he did this. He ran out there because there's a main road next to us. They're back inside now and the father is, again, ignoring the child.

I'm so close to asking them to leave, not because of the child, but because this f*cking dude refuses to keep an eye on his son. Take a f*cking hint Dad. Special needs children are more than welcome here but unless you're ready to pay for things he breaks, his special needs is not an excuse to just let him destroy my store. I don't want to ask them to leave because it'll upset the child but what the f*ck dude!?

^^^^

I've often wondered if child drowning deaths have spiked these past few years because adults are too distracted staring at their cell phones.

Two or three days after we opened our brand new record store,
a man walked in with his child and let him run wild in the store.
After about 10 or 15 minutes, the little boy stopped in the middle of
the store, pulled down his pants and took a shit right on our new carpet.