When you’re thinking about offing yourself

Imagining it all the time and ****

My advice is go to the doctor
Tell the truth and put yourself in their hands

I just went in and said doc you tell me, all I know is this is ****ed up

Generally if you quote someone and post right under it...

I honestly don't know how I'd measure up to you but I imagine you'd be right, but those obsessive thought loops are impossible. Your brain is obsessed with a thing and you know it's dumb, you know you should let it go, but if your brain was listening to your brain you'd be a millionaire right now, and of course your brain is never obsessed with things that will help you, just **** about how that person you're not sure how you feel about said something that got to you even though it's fine IT'S ****ING FINE you've heard it before they didn't even mean anything or maybe they did mean something but it was just an off the cuff remark it's not even accurate maybe it's accurate but it's not a revelation you know what they're talking about did they say that because they secretly hate you maybe it was obvious that they hate you but you dismissed it because you didn't want to feel paranoid you know most people don't have these constantly aggressive interpersonal interactions but if you were you and people didn't hate you then they might still react like this cause it's just the way this **** goes but of course maybe every single person on Earth wishes you would die, so whatevs. It'll all work out I guess.

It's possible to change some of your mental habits. Probably not while knee-deep in depression, but otherwise it totally is. It's super difficult, but not impossible.

It's possible, but after a certain point in your life/brain development, it's not really feasible.

Actually, I kept it secret until a few months ago despite it being planned years in advance and literally nobody else on the planet knows about it except you guys because I don't want anybody to stop me if I decide to do it.

It's obvious, as I already pointed out, that I don't want to die I just want **** to get better, but I'm not going to wait forever on that hope. Then I might become you.

Why I opened up about it here when I've never opened up about it anywhere else? I don't know, maybe because I know people here weren't going to give a ****. I've never threatened to kill myself before. I only ever brought it up on here when I was feeling low or impatient as more of a cry for help rather than attention. Contradictory to the fact that I knew nobody here would give a ****.

But you can go ahead and assume as if your personal opinion matters on the situation. I guess focusing on hating others distracts you from how much you hate yourself. I'm just glad that as self loathing as most of us are, we haven't become the miserable **** that you are.

That probably depends on what we're talking about. Your brain retains it's ability to learn, so you can condition yourself to at least a degree.

That short speech David Foster Wallace gave to some college graduates once (titled "This Is Water") had a huge impact on me. Inside the last two years, I've successfully taught myself to exercise more of an active choice in how I think about the world - getting rid of unconstructive negative, annoyed, angry thoughts. It took months and months of failure, but now I'm serene like a monk except on my very worst days.

You’re well ahead of schedule, poseur

I mean kinda yeah. I hope with all that proactive talk that Lucem might be able to pull himself out of his funk by his bootstraps, but in general I think that self-blaming for the sake of personal responsibility is more often a form of self-punishment because you think that you deserve it and it makes you feel better to see yourself as you think everyone else must see you. In the end it's just another spectrum of endless self-hate.

And we all know how things worked out for David Foster Wallace...