This mystery shall not go unsolved.

Wasn't on my phone dude. You can ask your mom. I brought her to the party as my plus 1.

Probably closer to a +2, nawmsayin? Cause she's fat.

I know how sneaky hipsters can be. I too have pulled out my phone to respond to one of Batlord's posts with a witty response that came out mid orgasm. Your alibi is still voided.

You are hereby declared guilty until proven innocent, because that's how the internet works.

I still say it was Plankton. He's old and drinks too much.

Okay ok, it was me.

What time did the incident occur?

I found a beetle in a jar of unopened mustard today. He shat all over the lid so I had to throw it all away. When I let him out in the backyard, he looked confused and kept walking in circles. I figure being a little critter like that, stuck in a jar of something like mustard... musta been like being tear gassed for however long he was in there. So I stepped on him and said a prayer.

Been calling people bozo lately, it's sorta my new thing.

I approve of this.