Exo

I'll try to make this as clear cut as possible. This is years of events and lifestyle habits. Some of you that are close to me know some of this stuff. Thanks in advance for reading and please try to help me out. I feel a bit powerless to change them.


My Parents

My parents have been married for 28 years. I'm 26. I have a younger brother who is 22. I'll talk about him soon. For most of my life, my parents have had a very healthy marriage. They fell in love quickly and were married quickly. They are best friends. My father is a network technician. He's also a volunteer firefighter. My mother is an administrative assistant at a surveying company. They own a house in Northern NJ. My mother has a few friends but is mostly at home when she's not at work. My father's only friends are the firefighters he volunteers with. He's been doing it for 30 years. My father has had issues which I'll get to for his entire life but their issues as a unit started about four years ago. My brother is a big part of this so I'll get his background out of the way first...

My Brother

When he was 16 he severely broke his leg in two places. He was home schooled for six months. When he got back to school he had trouble adjusting to being a teenager. His grades slipped and he started to use drugs. He started getting in trouble with the law at around 18. Multiple traffic violations and drug arrests were met with little discipline because I have a lot of police officers in my family. His crimes were reduced to fines, which my parents paid because he couldn't hold a job. He started using heroin about two and a half years ago which culminated to him stealing a large amount of money from my parents and me to sustain his drug habit. It peaked last march when he was arrested for trying to rob a gas station with a machete. He spent five months in jail and miraculously ended up on a state funded drug court program and has been sober since. My parents ended up paying about 30 grand during the whole ordeal. They are classic enablers. I ended up moving out of the house during this time because I couldn't handle the home situation. It was stress every day. Here's background on my parents individually...

My father

My grandfather died when my dad was 13. My grandmother couldn't handle it and became an alcoholic until she died about three years ago. It affected my dad a lot. Because of this, my father developed some serious depression issues that got serious after I was born. My father told me that when I was three he almost threw himself off a roof because he had an irrational fear that he was going to lose his job and fail the family. In 1999 he entered a psych ward for a day because again, he thought he was going to lose his job and he was afraid he'd kill himself. He worries. He worries about every damn thing. He;s lived in the same town, had the same friends, for his entire life. He has no real hobbies. He's about 80 pounds overweight and doesn't exercise. His job requires him to work overtime and be on call for weeks at a time. He handles this stress with drinking. He's not the type of drinker that comes home and hits his wife or beats his kids. He'll have 5-6 beers, come home two hours after he was supposed to be home, and just pass out on the couch. The fire department he volunteers for, and honestly helps run, has a bar where members can go and drink. He's there a lot. His friends that he drinks with are all losers and bad influences. My mother has asked him repeatedly to stop going and at first my father will comply, but then a week will go by and he'll be back at the bar. Lately he's been making zero effort in making the woman he loves happy. He loves my mom, but is in too much of a personal hell to do anything about it. He's gone to therapy, but doesn't get anything out of it and makes no effort to find a better doctor. While my brother is doing a lot better, he still harbors an insane amount of stress about his situation. He loves his kids more than he loves himself. He denies he has a drinking problem, a weight problem, and approaches his depression as if it's something that will never go away no matter what. He's a miserable person who will die in ten years if he doesn't change, maybe sooner.


My mother

My mother is the love of my life. I adore her. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met but is an enabler to the highest order and never follows through with her decisions. She's had a bad three years. It started with her getting stage 1 breast cancer. She beat that and is cancer free but she is a smoker. She smokes about two packs a week and has been since she was 18. She stopped for a couple months after he treatment but is back on. My grandfather died less than two years ago. It's been rough on her. Her two sisters got into a fight a year ago and haven't talked since. I don't think they ever will again. My grandmother, as easily as I can put this, went through hell two years ago. My grandfather and my grandmother divorced 20 years ago and the man she left him for was dying of brain cancer. Let's call him L. L's son was estranged from him for years but resurfaced when he found out L was dying. L was very wealthy. One night the son came to my grandmothers house with L's ex wife and wouldn't leave when my grandmother told them to. They called the cops and when they showed up my grandmother was so hysterical she hit one of the officers in the face and they arrested her with some force. L was too gone to know what was going on and didn't protest. That was the last time my grandmother saw L. He died two months afterward. She wasn't allowed at the funeral. My mother saw L as a second father. On top of ALL that, there was the ordeal with my brother to round out a horrible three years. She fought through it like a warrior.

However, the problems at home are brushed under the rug or handled with empty threats. Every time my mother threatens to leave my dad in order to get him to change, she backs off after a few days. I wouldn't never wish that she would actually leave my father but she is enabling him to continue with his downward spiral. My mother has to deal with my depressed father and doesn't do anything about it cause she's exhausted. It's a problem that while can gain sympathy, is actually the biggest issue of this whole thing. She holds the key to changing my father but can't get herself to do anything proactive about it. She just tries to get through each day. She says she is still in love with my father but that she just doesn't really like him. She hasn't in a year.


Summary

I hope that all made sense. There is a lot more but the information given is the most important. I just talked to my aunt for about two hours and we decided that while there isn't much I can say to get them to change (I have tried this 100 times), I have to try to do something or else they're just going to be miserable until my father dies and my mom is left with nothing. They are constant "yes you to death" people. They are loving and caring but lack any sort of motivation to change their lives. They are complacent with being miserable. This is the best way I can describe it...

It's like a raccoon got in the house. They tell me "There's a raccoon in the house. I want it to go away." I tell them they should get a broom and chase it out. They tell me that's a great idea and that they'll do it immediately. They go to sleep saying they'll chase it out in the morning. They wake up and say to me "That raccoon is still there. I want it to go away." I tell them have they tried chasing it out like I asked them? They tell me that it's a great idea. They'll try it immediately. Then they go to sleep...

Never ending cycle. I've decided that I'm going to say pretty much everything I've described during a long talk, just the three of us, my brother is not mature enough for this. I'm going to tell them that at the end of the conversation they'll either have two answer for me...

A. I'm going to change my life but actually pursuing help and actively weeding out the bad things like booze and cigarettes.
B. I want you to leave us be. We're going to be miserable until the day we die and there is nothing you can do about it.

I know that if they choose A, it won't mean much. They've said these things before. I want B to be an option not as a threat but as a realization that this is actually a possibility. My only hope is that they choose A and that we can decide a course of action be it Counseling, AA, ect. Once we decide I'm going to be on their ass until they accomplish their goals.

Am I doing the right thing? Is this a hopeless situation? I feel hopeless. Has anybody ever dealt with this sort of problem? I really need help guys. I love my parents so much.

Thank you.

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LastFM

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John Wilkes Booth

i can relate... i knew my dad's lifestyle was headed for disaster long before he died, and i tried countless times to convince him to get active, eat healthier, stop smoking, etc..

and this is a man who spent most of his adult life on drugs and booze and then actually had the willpower to quit those and go stone cold sober, at first through those sobriety clubs and then after a while just out of sheer habit and determination

so he had the will power to stop one self-destructive aspect of his life... and then 10 or so years later fell victim to other, more mundane vices

now i feel like i'm giving in to those very same impulses

i wish i had less bleak **** to say but it's been my experience that teaching old dogs new tricks is a fool's errand

best of luck to you anyway, pal

RoxyRollah

So, lets see if the Roxo gets this.
Yer mum is a saint, and yer dad is a borderline alcoholic?

Litterally thats what I came away with Exo. And honestly Joe this sounds like anyother typical Irish Catholic/ or Italian Catholic family ever. I believe honestly that no matter what if your mom is still in love with your dad they'll work through it. Marriage is tricky some years you feel nothing for the person, sometimes its wedding bells and bliss all over again and othertimes its just good. Nothing earth shattering just mudane and good.See the problem aries if yer mom wants to leave, then the fear of being alone or what have you might actually scare her so she puts up with things she might not put up with if she were single at this stage in her life.
Yer best plan man, just listen and support because they are more than likely going to keep doing thd same things.Cycling and unless self awareness is involved on both their parts which is something only they can give themselves your just gonna keep being upset by these things .I hope that helped.If you want to talk bro Im always here but you know that

Love
~R

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Plankton

I'd talk to a counselor on your own. This will help you sort things out on your end first, and they can tell you what course of action to take from there.

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Trollheart

I'm sorry I have nothing to add, Exo. My father was/is an abuser but my mother put up with him for our sake until eventually he decided to leave her, having found someone else. Of course he came back a few times and she took him back a few times, but eventually she drew the line. We never had a happier time than when he was gone. Now she's long dead and he's still alive.

I guess it's like Roxy says though: it's very unlikely they're going to change and they may resent you talking to them about it. I honestly don't know. I remember the situation with your brother, and the advice I gave you there which blew up into a stand-up fight with someone who shall remain nameless, so I have to be honest, I'm a little reluctant to go down that road again. Even at that, I really have no advice to give you because I wouldn't know what to do in that situation. Have you any sisters or aunts or uncles who could maybe help?

Sorry man: you seem to keep coming up against it. I hope it works out, if not for them then at least for you. You deserve some peace and happiness.

Be well
TH

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Lisnaholic

^ I think this is a good idea, Exo; much better than taking to heart the online advice of people who are not professionals*, however well-meaning they may be. (*that includes me of course and means no disrespect to other posters here...)

It's very commendable that you should want your parents to enjoy a healthier lifestyle and a happier relationship, but in my experience it's very difficult for one adult (you) to change the behaviour of another adult (your parents). If that's your intention, better get some professional guidance first.

Good luck, Exo, and take care.

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"Am I enjoying this moment? I know of it and perhaps that is enough." - Sybille Bedford, 1953

Chula Vista

Yeah, take care of yourself first.

I can't comment any further since it strikes way too close to home.

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“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

Exo

Thanks for the responses. I talked with my therapist today. I'm going to sit them both down and have a talk with them some time this week...without my brother. He's not mature enough to handle this. I'm going to explain to my dad that he's not going to live long enough to see my grow up and have a family of my own. I'm going to explain to my mom that she's only letting things continue like this if she's willing to just stand there and do nothing. I'm going to suggest AA for my dad and for my mom and me to get him to a new doctor, one that actually wants to help him instead of just collect a fee. We'll search until the right one is found. I'll tell my dad that if he truly loves me and my mom, that he'll stop drinking during the day and during the week. He drinks to self medicate because of his depression. He's on medication. It's stupid what he's doing but it isn't to the point where rehab is needed.

I have had some serious regret issues with my grandfather who died two years ago. I only saw him once the last four months of his life because I was afraid of seeing him in the hospital and was naive and thought he'd make a full recovery and live to 100. Life doesn't work like that. I don't want to bury my father in four years. I don't want avoid my family because they're miserable and bring me down only to have them die off on me. It's not happening. We're having a talk tomorrow night.

We'll see how this goes.

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Trollheart

Best of luck man; we'll all be sending positive vibes your way.

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The Batlord

Just remember that you're entering "grown folk's business". These two have a relationship with over two decades of history, and it can be hard to figure out how those things work from the outside, even if you're a close relative.

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