Complaint Letter Of The Year (singer, old music, American, cover)

Urban Hat€monger ? · 07-15-2005, 09:58 PM

A real-life customer
complaint
letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a
few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%...
hours between about 6pm midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
informed that:
A telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back);
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.

You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

07-15-2005, 10:08 PM

HA!

up the fuckers!!

thats great...

riseagainstrocks · 07-15-2005, 10:23 PM

i liked the remark about the technician forgetting his tools. such as a drill bit and cerebellum. classic

HomesickAtSpaceCamp · 07-16-2005, 02:50 PM

very nice. it was my laugh of the day.

PhishFood · 07-16-2005, 05:11 PM

The writer of that letter is one of the most skilled insulters I haveever seen

anticipation · 07-17-2005, 09:02 AM

wow.

i repeat. wow.

right-track · 07-17-2005, 03:33 PM

This in a similar vein...

Background;

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people

who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that

as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to

Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The

following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was

posted on the Internet:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding

God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to

share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to

defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that

Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I

doneed some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific

laws

and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a

pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours.

They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in

Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair

price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her

period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how

do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and

female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend

of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you

clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2

clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill

him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.

I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have

a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does

my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair

around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by

Lev.19:27.

How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me

unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different

crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of

two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to

curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the

trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we

do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you

have

studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and

unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

jake.

phoenixflames · 07-17-2005, 11:16 PM

The original post was awesome. I feel the same way about Sprint (American Telcom company). They can be so infuriating sometimes. I've switched to completely cell and I don't have to deal with them anymore, but still the horrid memories remain!

Urban, where did you find that letter at?

bobinatcat · 07-19-2005, 11:09 PM

hhaha thats classic...so true though the letter writer is a smart people...heheh subtle joke, worst ever.

07-15-2005, 09:58 PM	#1 (permalink)
Urban Hat€monger ? The Sexual Intellectual Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Somewhere cooler than you Posts: 18,605	Complaint Letter Of The Year A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....) Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that: A telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were **, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats. __________________ Urb's RYM Stuff Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.**

07-15-2005, 10:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
riseagainstrocks Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: DC Posts: 3,320	i liked the remark about the technician forgetting his tools. such as a drill bit and cerebellum. classic __________________ One note timeless, came out of nowhere...

07-16-2005, 02:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
HomesickAtSpaceCamp Queen Of Hearts Join Date: May 2005 Location: In A House Posts: 28	very nice. it was my laugh of the day. __________________ Somewhere in Texas a village is missing their idiot. HAHAHA.......... I don't get it.

07-16-2005, 05:11 PM	#5 (permalink)
PhishFood Bottom-Feeder Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: The American Dreamscape Posts: 316	The writer of that letter is one of the most skilled insulters I haveever seen __________________ Winos don't march

07-17-2005, 11:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
phoenixflames Something That You're Not Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Cold And All Alone Posts: 475	The original post was awesome. I feel the same way about Sprint (American Telcom company). They can be so infuriating sometimes. I've switched to completely cell and I don't have to deal with them anymore, but still the horrid memories remain! Urban, where did you find that letter at? __________________ ----------- I'm the lead singer and bass player for the band The Ascent (And Decline) Of Terrion. Yay for me... We're from Ohio. Yay for us... www.theascentofterrion.com Be our friend on MySpace

07-15-2005, 10:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
pastor of muppets Guest Posts: n/a	HA! up the fuckers!! thats great...

07-17-2005, 09:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
anticipation Music Addict Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3,565	wow. i repeat. wow.

07-17-2005, 03:33 PM	#7 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	This in a similar vein... Background; Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I doneed some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them. a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. jake.

07-19-2005, 11:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
bobinatcat spak-tenguin Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Perth, Australia Posts: 74	hhaha thats classic...so true though the letter writer is a smart people...heheh subtle joke, worst ever.