The Support and Encouragement Thread

[fiddler]

Originally Posted by grtwhtgrvty

Definitely. I'm not saying that my perspective / philosophy is inherently without flaw. I've just been ****ed over a lot of times and growing up I was inevitably abused in some capacity by pretty much every single adult in my life that decided to be my guardian. My mom, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt, older friends, my brother, etc. I've even been dropped by a therapist before. I don't think I've had a relationship in any capacity that was 100% healthy. I guess that doesn't really exist. Relying on them was what actually made me feel alienated. I don't feel insulted when they see I need help. I just hate the idea of feeling like a burden, really.

I think that total independence is something that everyone should aspire for. I don't think anyone is totally 100% independent. I'm definitely not. But the fact that I make a point to be independent, at least emotionally... I don't know. I think it helped me love myself... so when people leave, or break up with me, or whatever... It's just like... yeah it hurts, but **** them because I'm amazing and I'm a beautiful person and I have so much to offer. It's easier said than done, but you can't live or die based on the acceptance of others, especially for people like you and me, who don't necessarily operate within the mainstream binary of sexuality or gender.

I guess it's a defense mechanism. People leave. They get fed up. They get bored. They cheat on you. They die. They get addicted to drugs. They move on in one way or another and there have been so many times in my life where I'm sitting alone in my room feeling like a ghost because someone somehow passed on. At the end of the day, who you are is really the only thing that truly belongs to you. That is the only thing that is truly yours -- that little voice in your head. Regardless of what you've put yourself through, what you've put other people through, etc... You have to love that voice. You have to love yourself. You have to enjoy yourself. You have to see yourself as worth love. You have to laugh at your own jokes. You have to do all of these things because of the terrifying inevitability that the people you love are going to somehow leave, and they need to know this too, because one way or another, you're going to leave them.



Yeah, honestly, it sucks. I tried to contact her when I was 18 and she immediately placed an order of protection against me. I called her again because I thought it had expired (it hadn't) and I was arrested. Everyone says she still loves me and that she just has issues. I don't know... she abused me my entire childhood and then she left and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I think it made me stronger. One thing I do know, tbh, is that I want to adopt a kid when I'm older... like 35+, and my life is going to revolve completely around that kid, and I'm gonna give them the best childhood anyone could ask for. It's been such a struggle for me to follow my dreams as an artist given my tumultuous lifestyle. I've had so many people ask me what my plan B is... so many people condescend me for wanting to be a musician. I know what it feels like to just flat out not have parents and to feel completely without any type of support system and it breaks my heart to think about all those kids who are cycling through the foster care network. I don't know if I'm doing it for me or if I'm doing it for the child, but I'm going to break the cycle.

I guess I'm going to share a little bit of my story since it fits here. Dad was an alcoholic, was typically either too drunk to stand on his own, passed out, or getting more beer. I tended to stay out of his way, but have the scars to prove the times I didn't. When I was sixteen, my mom gave me $400 in cash and told me to take my brother and run as far as I could go. That was the night my old man beat her until she stopped breathing.

Cops came, locked him up, we had made it to my Aunt's house some fifty miles away. The state came in and said we couldn't be there because of legalities - blah blah blah. It was that day that I completely gave up on the system, because they sent me to stay with one family and my brother (who was 12 at the time) to a completely different family. The day I turned 18, I enlisted into the US Army, and shipped off to boot camp a week after I graduated high school. I fought tooth and nail to find my brother (even went to the JAG to see what could be done). I'm in my late twenties now, and it's only been in the last 3 years I've actually been able to find my brother again.

When we fled our home, I learned real damn fast to relay on myself and only myself. I took that attitude to basic training, and doing the team building exercises my squad landed in the mud every single time, because of me. It took me a while to realize that counting on someone gets the job done, but if it doesn't, you still gotta hold your own. (A sweaty Drill Sergeant and a ticked off platoon and a few dozen push ups helped along the way)

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by grtwhtgrvty

Well when all is said and done, the only person who can /really/ help you is yourself. People are amazing but they are very fickle and very unreliable and if you stand or fall based on others, you'll always inevitably fall because they won't be able to hold you up forever, whether because they lose interest or they just can't do it anymore for whatever reason. It's okay to let people help you, but I only think you should go looking for help when it is absolutely necessary to your survival or well being.

Obviously therapy is amazing though. I'm talking about like personal relationships and stuff. Even therapy though -- mere sprinkles on the ice cream... same thing with medication. These are both potentially helpful tools, but they mean nothing if you don't put in the leg work to improve yourself.

I actually agree with you in general. *shock, gasp, faint* It's great to have people to rely on, but nobody can be expected to carry you on their shoulders, and nor should they. It's just not fair to force your responsibilities on someone else when they have their own issues.

It's also dumb. Whatever problems you have, and plenty of people do have problems (emotionally and psychologically) so severe that their ability to take care of themselves is severely hampered, but there's just no getting around the fact that you have to take care of yourself, lest you develop a mentality of dependence that leaves you at the whim of others.

In this day and age, there is a sad idea that this is at least more acceptable, due to liberal ideas about welfare and social responsibility -- though I'm certainly not saying I'm against those on principle, but like grtwhtgrvty mentioned in another thread, nothing ever has purely good consequences, and whatever their virtues, these relatively modern ideas have the unfortunate consequence of making self-sufficiency less of a "revered trait".

I don't agree with many of the old school, pre-sixties ideas about these issues either, as they tend to ignore and treat with contempt individual circumstances that can leave people literally at the mercy of their own unchangeable problems -- whether it be less obvious, and therefore easily dismissed, mental illness, or the kind of economic disparity suffered by minorities at the hands of society and the government -- although I also recognize that much of this mentality arose after the Depression traumatized an entire generation into believing in relying entirely on their own initiative rather than seeking help from others, since they were likely as bad off as you. But I do think that the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction, so that America -- or at least the more liberal sections of our society -- has adopted an unrealistic, touchy feely mentality that can cause dependency on outside help, at the expense of personal growth.

Being raised in a libertarian, Irish Catholic family, centered around a grandfather who made himself a success story after coming from severe poverty on the streets of New York City, there was never much sympathy when it came to failure, and I was never coddled as I grew up to be a... less than independent slacker, who just doesn't understand how so many of my relatives can be such goal-oriented, A-type personalities. Their relentless "encouragement" (i.e. well-meaning, yet self-righteous lecturing) hasn't done much for my self-esteem, but in the end, my failures are still my own, and even if mental issues outside of my control have legitimately hampered me, I still can't rely on the "kindness of strangers". My family might help and support me (which I am grateful for, as even though their attempts can be ham-fisted and discouraging, it all comes from a place of love and concern), but that will never cause me to get my **** together by itself until I take my life back into my own hands under my own initiative.

Is it fair that it might be harder for me to overcome my issues than it is for others? No. But that's life, and I just have to make the best of the hand I'm dealt, without hoping to be given better cards out of pity. An atheist such as myself would never pray to any god to intervene on my behalf, and it's similarly unrealistic to hope for the same from someone outside myself.

*** Like I said, I'm not a libertarian who hates the idea of welfare or government intervention in some instances, but I'm just saying that self-reliance has to come hand-in-hand even in most of those cases (If you're so mentally ill that you need to be institutionalized, then yeah, you might deserve to be given a pass.)

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by grtwhtgrvty

Definitely. I'm not saying that my perspective / philosophy is inherently without flaw. I've just been ****ed over a lot of times and growing up I was inevitably abused in some capacity by pretty much every single adult in my life that decided to be my guardian. My mom, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt, older friends, my brother, etc. I've even been dropped by a therapist before. I don't think I've had a relationship in any capacity that was 100% healthy. I guess that doesn't really exist. Relying on them was what actually made me feel alienated. I don't feel insulted when they see I need help. I just hate the idea of feeling like a burden, really.

I feel you on the alienation thing. When you rely on others to an unhealthy level, it creates a world where you're less a person and more an extension of the other person. Depending on how much of this dependence is emotional, as opposed to simply monetary (like living with a mother who isn't a Steve Wilkos reject), then their leaving basically leaves you alone with the person (you) who you've created, and since so much of that person was dependent on another, then there just isn't enough of you to extend beyond yourself and into the outside world in any kind of healthy, constructive way. Not to mention the bitterness against the outside world that you perceive as having failed you.

It's been such a struggle for me to follow my dreams as an artist given my tumultuous lifestyle. I've had so many people ask me what my plan B is... so many people condescend me for wanting to be a musician. I know what it feels like to just flat out not have parents and to feel completely without any type of support system and it breaks my heart to think about all those kids who are cycling through the foster care network. I don't know if I'm doing it for me or if I'm doing it for the child, but I'm going to break the cycle.

Not to give the kind of condescending lecture that my family is so adept at, but it's understandable that others would think that you would need an alternate plan when pursuing a career with such a low chance of success (i.e. being at least able to pay your own bills). I guess with that kind of path though, you kind of need to commit to it with an almost unrealistic mindset. If you're not into it 100%, then you're gonna fail, almost no question, and I suppose a Plan B would leave you with a mental safety net that might make it much harder to really have the necessary drive.

I forget who it was -- I think it was the singer for The Haunted -- but he basically said that you kind of have to fool yourself into thinking that it'll all work out, just to get yourself through the times when you'd otherwise listen to your common sense, throw in the towel, and go get a "real job".

[Trollheart]

Originally Posted by DwnWthVwls

I encourage anyone who recognizes they have a problem in real life to stop using the internet to solve it. Seek help from people who can actually help you, not advice from a stranger who only knows your biased side of the story.

Agreed, but it's not a choice of one or the other. Though I know nobody here in real life I have come to think of many as my friends (except Batty, of course!) and sometimes just talking to them has helped.

Originally Posted by The Batlord

This. Wonder why I don't "support and encourage" more people who come into the forum and bitch about everything, all day, every day? Because I don't have the energy to constantly deal with emotional vampires.

Surely you hunt them?

Originally Posted by fiddler

Of course it is. I mean if it it's a multiple choice question and the answer is A the answer is A. However for instance on a math problem where you're expected to show your work. Student A arrives at the same answer as Student B but Student A used the "preferred" method whereas Student B did not. Student A gets the answer correct, whereas Student B does not. That would be a little unfair in my opinion. The answer itself is correct, but Student B used a different method to arrive at the answer. The same could be had if for instance a Physical Training Test two different people are given a different standard for a push up.

Off-topic slightly, but it does remind me of a story our history teacher used to tell us about a paper on which the question was phrased "Write all you know about the Hundred Years War" and this guy wrote "I know nothing about the Hundred Years War." They had to give him 100%. You can bet they changed the phrasing after that!

Originally Posted by Chula Vista

How did you get this way? What f*cking planet did you come from?

Not helping or encouraging

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Fixed that for ya'.

Nor is this.
I know it's a little thing, but come on: the guy is pouring out his heart and you're correcting his ****ing grammar? I mean, I'm a Grammar Nazi too, one of the worst, but time and place, ya know?

[fiddler]

Well trollheart I did answer the guys question

[Soulflower]

Don't you actually have to demonstrate encouragement and positivity on a casual level before you can go offering personal advice?

Ironic thread.

[Oriphiel]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Nor is this.
I know it's a little thing, but come on: the guy is pouring out his heart and you're correcting his ****ing grammar? I mean, I'm a Grammar Nazi too, one of the worst, but time and place, ya know?

I know that many of my posts on MB are a bit odd-ball and aggressive, but I am helping, in my own way. I'm an asshole; it's just who I am. And if the goal of this thread is to help people to understand and define themselves, then you can't forget that a person is at least in part defined by the adversities that they encounter and conquer. After all, a hero is created more by the villains they face than by blind sycophants who restate what is already known.

By all means, feel free to keep reinforcing people and their beliefs. I think I'll do the opposite, and who knows, maybe questioning people (and, in turn, causing them to question themselves) will end up being more helpful in the long run.

[Soulflower]

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

I know that many of my posts on MB are a bit odd-ball and aggressive, but I am helping, in my own way. I'm an asshole; it's just who I am. And if the goal of this thread is to help people to understand and define themselves, then you can't forget that a person is at least in part defined by the adversities that they encounter and conquer. After all, a hero is created more by the villains they face than by blind sycophants who restate what is already known.

By all means, feel free to keep reinforcing people and their beliefs. I think I'll do the opposite, and who knows, maybe questioning people (and, in turn, causing them to question themselves) will end up being more helpful in the long run.

Boo I wouldn't even explain myself to that bully.

He got a lot of nerve trying to skool anybody on how to treat people when he has been disrespectful to a lot of people here.

Also, you are one of the nicest members here so I personally think you should not feel that way at all.

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

I know that many of my posts on MB are a bit odd-ball and aggressive, but I am helping, in my own way. I'm an asshole; it's just who I am. And if the goal of this thread is to help people to understand and define themselves, then you can't forget that a person is at least in part defined by the adversities that they encounter and conquer. After all, a hero is created more by the villains they face than by blind sycophants who restate what is already known.

By all means, feel free to keep reinforcing people and their beliefs. I think I'll do the opposite, and who knows, maybe questioning people (and, in turn, causing them to question themselves) will end up being more helpful in the long run.

That's some of the most glorious bull**** I've ever seen.

[Oriphiel]

Originally Posted by The Batlord

That's some of the most glorious bull**** I've ever seen.

I had a feeling you would like that post.

Originally Posted by Soulflower

Boo I wouldn't even explain myself to that bully.

He got a lot of nerve trying to skool anybody on how to treat people when he has been disrespectful to a lot of people here.

Also, you are one of the nicest members here so I personally think you should not feel that way at all.

What makes you think that Trollheart is a bully, and that I am a nice person? Most people would say that the opposite is true.