The Batlord

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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Oriphiel

Here's one I heard from awhile back, though i'm not sure where it comes from. Sorry in advance, i'm not very good at telling stories. I'll try to quickly paraphrase it:

A guy begins working at a new company, and finds himself getting stressed out very quickly. To relax, he decides to go for a smoke break, but he can't just light up outside the building because his employers are very strict, and frown heavily on employees smoking on the job. He decides that the best thing to do is to sneak up to the roof, however the door at the top of the staircase is locked, and very stiff as if it was welded shut. After unsuccessfully trying to open it, he stops and starts to notice that the door is a bit odd; it's got signs all over it, saying everything from "danger" to "caution" to simply "stop". He shrugs and turns to walk away, when he hears a faint sound behind him, almost as if the door is unsealing itself for him. Deciding to give it one more go, he finds that the door swings open with ease.

He steps out on the roof and pulls out a cigarette, when he hears a voice coming from near by. At first, the man panics a little and hides his cigarette, worried that one of his bosses or another employee is up there. However, he slowly relaxes when he realizes that the voice belongs to a child. It's still strange, but he figures that it's probably just the child of one of his co-workers. Still, the roof is no place for a wandering child, so he looks around for them. Before long, he spots them, and his heart immediately starts to race; the child is on the very edge of the roof, jumping up and down, repeating something over and over that he can't quite make out. He begins running towards the child, shouting for them to be careful and to step away from the edge. Just as he reaches them, he understands what the child is saying, but it doesn't really make any sense; they're repeating "Ninety nine... ninety nine... ninety nine..." with every jump. The man stretches out his hand and grabs the child's shoulder...

A few weeks have passed since then. After one of the company's employees fell off of the roof, the building had to be cordoned off while he police investigated the matter. Apparently, the local area has a bit of an attraction to suicide jumpers, dating back to the times to ancient Japan, so the police really didn't expect to find any evidence of foul play, and they hurried to get the building open once again. Every few years or so, there'd be a rash of jumpers, with a handful of people jumping off of the same few buildings (which happened to be the tallest in the area, and owned by some of the most demanding companies with some of the most stressed out workers), and it's said that there are roughly one hundred each decade. One of the investigators wasn't convinced that the recent rash were all unrelated accidents, though; they were involved with the last incident at this building, not too long ago, and they urged the company to keep the door to the roof locked. In fact, to try to curb the suicides at this building once and for all, the company had followed the investigators advice and actually welded the door shut. So how did the man get on the roof? The other investigators were convinced that he had simply used a tool, since the seal was broken, and that he took it with him when he jumped and it was knocked away upon impact. He wasn't convinced, even after the door was once again resealed, and decided to check the door a few days later. Sure enough and just as he thought, the door was unsealed, though it was admittedly a bit stiff opening up; when he first tried it, it didn't budge, almost as if it was in fact still welded shut.

He stepped out unto the roof, his heart pounding, expecting to perhaps find a veteran serial killer returning to the scene of the crime, setting up the next "accident". As he heard voices coming from somewhere on the roof, he withdrew his pistol and began to scan the area. You can imagine his surprise when he found a small child jumping up and down instead of a devious killer, and he immediately lowered his gun and took a deep breath of relief. Slowly, however, he grew tense once again as he realized that the child was playing their game at the very edge of the building. As he put away his pistol and quickly began to walk towards them, he started to make out what they were saying; as the child jumped up and down, they gleefully repeated "One hundred... one hundred... one hundred..."

Chula Vista

fail!

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“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

YorkeDaddy

lol close but no cigar m8

edit ugh damn it chula you beat me to the joke

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Key

I'd hate to see what Ori's posts are like when he's not paraphrasing. Trollheart 2.0 perhaps?

Oriphiel

Here's an example: **** you.

Not paraphrased: **** you, ***hole.

Chula Vista

Your two Avis back to back are almost too much to take.

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“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well,
on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away
and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

Pet_Sounds

In the version I heard, it's two sisters instead of an old lady. Otherwise, exactly the same.

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Everybody's dying just to get the disease

Frownland

In the version I've heard, she pets her dog instead and finds it dead later.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Isbjørn

We have it over here as well.

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