creepy

Lol yeah without context but I was expecting that person.

I guess the police are trying out new tactics these days.

"I just cook it til it smells, that's why I fuck dinner up nine times out of ten"

Yeah, my sister can't cook.

That's actually pretty sound advice. Unless it starts to smell burned or something... Plus, you know, gotta take taste tests once in a while

It works for her probably half the time, unless she's baking.

Oh boy. Yeah, gotta be precise with baking. Not that I have much experience with it. One of these days a good bakery will be hiring that isn't in ass****ed Egypt compared to where I live.

LOL. Welcome to you new obsession.

"My vagina hurts."

Success

^nerd :)

I wasn't even home last night. :eek:

Dude, you and your mom need to set some boundaries.

This coming from the guy who gaps to his sister(s)?






Jokes.

Me and your mom already did.

Hope you remember her safe word. It's "Oh my god take off the nipple clamps!"


I don't have any sisters. Faced.

'They should reserve overhangs and shady areas for white people. The blacks aren't going to get a sunburn right?'

Thanks for sharing, Dad.

wow

Man. And I thought my family had some racist vibes.

Is he a racist or just a politically incorrect goofball?

"Hey bro I can't find the bottom of the blender"

Seriously, every one of my bosses texts starts with "Hey bro". And Jesus dude, did you maybe check the place I ALWAYS PUT IT BECAUSE I ALWAYS PUT THINGS IN THE SAME PLACE AND YOU SHOULD TOO.


Sigh. tfw you're better at your job than your boss is at his but are stuck working it.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? ANSWER ME DAMMIT!!!"

All in caps, somebody's getting annoyed with me.

Mostly the latter with a couple pinches of the former.

My favorite kind of people. Don't get me wrong, the "former" isn't a good thing, but it kind of goes hand in hand with the "latter", and people who take the world too seriously tend to take the fun out of it. Give me vaguely-racist-but-otherwise-not-racist and fun over completely enlightened stick in the mud any day.

Well in any case, happy early birthday.

"Well that manager was just a bitchy twat then."

3:14am: wow!! i did not expect your penis to be as large and pleasurable as it was. I will be telling all of my friends and my parents.

10/10, would read again

"If you want to continue making your sauces at work you can't describe romesco as 'almonds and roasted peppers and shit on the blackboard."

My boss is no fun =(.

^:rofl:

"you're awesome"

flirt game weak as hell :(

:laughing:

"I got the mother****ing Mario movie on dvd"

My little brother is adorable. And not that little.

You mean the one with John Leguizamo? Maybe it's just because I just happened to be in the right age niche, but I ****ing loved that movie back in the day.

Right!? I hear so many people talk **** about that movie but I love it. I don't care how cheesy it is.

Dude, Dennis Hopper as Bowser. Bob Hoskins flying through the ****ing air in jet-powered boots. What the **** more do you want?

Aunt Petunia was his wife too :)

The only things I hated was their version of Goombas and Toad.

But the de-evolution thing was one of the best parts.

Dooooonng! Where is my automobile?