"We had fun on a tree once :D"
.... a tree?
"Yeah, was pretty hard"

"Are you free to jam today?"

I took the bait of course.

Happy Birthday! Beer, bourbon, fireworks, or all three? Also LOL you got trolled, did you actually think you weren't going to be able to go?

want to get married?

"They gonna have a turtle ice sculpture for the wedding"

my mom talking about my brothers wedding. criiiiiiiiiiiinge. If I'm expected to go all the way back to that shithole to sit through that cheesefest there better be an open bar.

"well that's good! lol"

"you guys are on different frequencies bruh. Open up your ports and she will fill them. Giver her a bit. She will cuddle harder than any kitten, due to neglect from previous owners."

My friend trying to justify why we should let his cat move in with us

"my cervix is flapping in the wind...."

That's a pretty disturbing image.

That's what I thought..