Lord Larehip

I like to play at open mics especially in the colder weather when busking is just not possible. I like the open mic atmosphere and all but I'm really fed up with s-hitty, stinking acts. There's this one guy who plays piano and sings but I'm being far too kind by saying that. His playing is absolutely horrible and his singing is far worse. The problem is, he has no shame. Apparently, he thinks he's great. It's torture to sit there through two or three songs by this chump. Where did he get the idea that he was any good?

Once, he was doing McCartney's "My Love" and when he hit the part where Paul sings, "My love does it GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!" This guy managed to hit the least musical note I've ever heard. No matter how out of tune I sing that in imitation of him, it's not as bad as what he actually sang. The lady next to me turned to me and winced. He's at EVERY open mic at this place and even though I only show up sporadically, he'll be there. I started showing up late and once passed him leaving as I was coming in. I was so ecstatic I could have high-fived every sonofabitch in the joint. Another time, he broke into the "Spiderman" theme song for SEVEN minutes!! "Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can!" I was praying that a terrorist would storm in and shoot him.

Then I was at this other place and this teenaged kid goes up on stage with a guitar, leans into the mic and just starts shouting s-hit while strumming at random. I sat there for about 15 seconds and then I look over at the host and he's looking sort of pissed off. He looked at me and I just shook my head. He nodded and after this kid finished, told him, "Ok, you have to play something for real or that was your last song." Turns out the kid couldn't play a lick and vacated the stage in a huff. Why the hell would you go up and subject people to that s-hit? Does he think he's clever? I mean, he sucked--period. At least the other guy I mentioned was trying to play something. He couldn't but he at least tried.

Then there's this girl who shows up at various places who has her own keyboard and it takes her 20 minutes to set the whole thing up. At first I thought she must be pretty good to have this big set up. She could play, knew how to make chords, but she sang her own songs and they just rambled--endlessly. When you write a pop song, it has to have a hook. Something in the melody or chorus has to catch you and reel you in. Take something like Lionel Ritchie's "You Are". It has a catchy chorus. I don't care too much for the rest of it but the chorus makes up for it by being very catchy. But imagine that song going on for seven minutes with no chorus. That's what this girl's songs are like. They just ramble on and on and nothing catchy ever jumps out. Then she does another one and it's same thing. then she does another one. By that time, I'm ready to jump up and yell, "PLEASE STOP! You can't write! Don't you know a pop song has to have a chorus and a bridge and should last no more than three-and-a-half minutes?? Christ, listen to the Beatles some time for pointers! You can't expect somebody to sit there for 20 minutes listening to this dreck!" But, of course, you just wait for it to be done.

I guess that's the problem with open mics, if the acts in them (me included) were any good, we'd all be making recordings and money and have gigs coming out our asses. Then again, I have seen good acts. Saw a girl who played great Celtic fiddle and a kid who played pretty decent boogie-woogie piano and guys who obviously had some training on how to play guitar. But I keep running into too many of these people who don't know one end of a guitar from the other, who try to sing like Jessye Norman when they don't have the talent of Jesse Jackson.

So here are some pointers. Take them or leave them:

• Learn your limitations.

That's it. You should know what your voice is capable of but also what it isn't. You should know how good your musicianship is but also how bad it is. Assemble a repertoire based on that. Don't play your own songs without honest feedback from people first. It should sound reasonably professional. Don't go for the sympathy applause. Your set should be entertaining and not based on "I should get applause just for trying it." No. You should get applause because you are worth hearing. Lastly, if you can't do any of this--stay home. Not everybody is cut out to be a performer.

Plankton

I've been to a few "Open Mics" in my time. The last one was a couple years ago, and was hosted by Eric Mantel, who played a blues loop for me to play over and went out for a smoke... for 20 MINUTES! Funny thing is, is that I got more tips in those 20 minutes than he did all night. He was a very gracious host though, and a class act, and an all around great guy. I just left the tip money.

Anyway, yeah there are some low talent attention seekers out there that just want an audience for their outlet. I see people like that and it fuels my fire to try and not have people look at me in the same light. When those acts do come around, I usually go somewhere out of earshot.

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Lord Larehip

I'm thinking every place with an open mic night should have a rule where forms are placed on each table with little pencils. Each performer is given a number. You write the performer's number on the form and each form has written on it:

"I love this performer and would love to see this person again."

"This performer is pretty good and wouldn't mind seeing this person again."

"This performer is ok but I wouldn't come her just to see this person."

"This performer is lousy should not be doing open mics here or anywhere else I frequent."

"I hate this arsehole and would seriously contemplate killing anyone who dare to applaud even out of sheer politeness."

Each sentence has a box next to it and you check the one you feel is most appropriate. The host tabulates them and lets the performer know his or her score. Too many of the last two--you're gone never to come back.