mental health thread

[CrazyVegn]

Originally Posted by Hermione

That's good to hear, I'd hate to hear of you damaging yourself in the same sort of ways I did when I was younger.

ANYWAY:

ANYWAY this is kind of a long story but I promise it's good.

Ever since I fell in love with myself things have been changing around me, my new year resolution was to make 2013 about me, the most wonderful, kind, patient, talented person that I know and in doing that I made the best decision of my life. I'm happy now because I'm becoming a human being. I started off December still in a toxic relationship with someone who abused me and took advantage of my goodness and my patience and love and I said **** it, I'm leaving. He ruined my ****ing life before this, because he always needed ME to take care of him and I could never take care of myself, because to him that would mean I didn't love him. So I went to doing well, happy, an Honours student to being a drug addicted dominatrix again. I was "his Dayna" so I felt obligated to take care of him, but I have no obligations now but to myself and those who are worthy of my love.

I had to take Dayna away from the ex, the part of me I always use to mother myself and I did it. I had to move back in with my parents, much to my embarrassment, but how ****ing meaningless is it to be worried about that when I was poisoning myself with alcohol to the point I was probably going to die in that apartment. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I'm stronger than him and all of this other bull****. So I took Dayna away from him and I reminded her that she always has me. I loved her and bought her beautiful things instead of spending all her money that she worked so hard for on a piece of **** lover. I showed her she was worth everything to me, and she was safe because she always had Me. Me her dominatrix self, of course. Being manic depressive is kind of like having several different selves. I played many versions of myself throughout my life, never feeling complete until I realized that was so ****ing strong and amazing and perfect to myself, that what did I have to hide from anybody? I'm not afraid of other people and what they think. So, after I loved Dayna to the point of loving herself, I killed her off. I started to realize that I was more than a name, more than an identity, all this other **** and I realised the person I am. I realized I'm not actually heterosexual, a woman, or typically "romantic". I have a mental illness, I'm neurodivergent, I hate my birth name, and I'm a very fluid person in general. But I don't care what anyone else thinks, most of all. So I decided to come out about my gender and sexuality to people I trusted and they told me that they love me anyway and don't really care because the person I am is still the same. I'm still their good friend who will kill for them if anyone ****s with them, that's who I am, despite any other labels, but I can label myself whatever the **** I want because that has nothing to do with other people and their happiness. The people I love won't judge me, if they truly love me. So killing off my birth name was my next step. I haven't legally changed it, but a friend gave me the nickname because it suited my personality, and it does. It truly does. Being Hermione means freedom to me, being Hermione means that I don't belong to anyone, unless I choose to give myself to them. It's much like my dominatrix side, Queen Salome. I'm not really Salome, but I am Hermione through and through, and **** anyone else's attachment to my birth name. It's my choice, not yours.

However, I did become a little afraid of telling my mother about my newly found identity because I thought she might be attached to my birth name. So one of the first people I came out to was my mother, even though I thought that she would think I was crazy, but she took it really well. I was super surprised. Come to find out, she's actually not attached to my birth name all that much either. She wanted to name me Brienne/Brianne, which I think is funny because that is also my mom's favourite GOT character.

Realising this about myself, getting to know and love myself truly was hard as ****, especially forgiving myself, but now that I can do that for myself, I can do that for other people, and especially another person in my life, I can finally offer up my goodness to this person without it being tainted by my past. I can love this special person without inflicting the pain I've accrued throughout my life onto them. That's worth everything to me, since they're the only pure hearted person to ever come into my life that sees me as a full human being rather than a trope.

sighz

anyway yeah

Hm, yeah there is nothing wrong w/ living with your parents in that situation. I was listening to a speech the other day by teen graduates and kinda rolling my eyes on the inside until one of them said that your parents will be your best friends in the end.
You are also Water Rising like me so I can emotionally relate to everything you've said and I know you probably picked up on that (I seen how you did).
I'm quite surprised (and relieved) no one has told me to qstn my doctor. They ust want repeat customers in this case and they are not the ones who have to deal with the side effects. IDK if you read what Effexor XR was doing to me a few pages back, but that's ok. It took away my senses, basically, especially physical.
Why I got on it in the first place was yes, I was diagnosed w/ depression in my late teens, BUT I had been living without meds for a few yrs until my crazy ex tried to come back into my life with stalking and scaring me. It was a living horror movie so I got back on and it helped a lot w/ the anxiety. But now he's gone and since I had depression ANYWAY I remained on it. I'm confident enough now to where even if he came back AGAIN I won't need this medicine.
I need to learn to take life's grief like a big girl, I guess without a blanket. I can understand taking something if someone you love dies but otherwise (for me) it may damage natural dopamine flow and or give you a whole new personality that also isn't quite natural.

[Sansa Stark]

Originally Posted by CrazyVegn

Hm, yeah there is nothing wrong w/ living with your parents in that situation. I was listening to a speech the other day by teen graduates and kinda rolling my eyes on the inside until one of them said that your parents will be your best friends in the end.
You are also Water Rising like me so I can emotionally relate to everything you've said and I know you probably picked up on that (I seen how you did).
I'm quite surprised (and relieved) no one has told me to qstn my doctor. They ust want repeat customers in this case and they are not the ones who have to deal with the side effects. IDK if you read what Effexor XR was doing to me a few pages back, but that's ok. It took away my senses, basically, especially physical.
Why I got on it in the first place was yes, I was diagnosed w/ depression in my late teens, BUT I had been living without meds for a few yrs until my crazy ex tried to come back into my life with stalking and scaring me. It was a living horror movie so I got back on and it helped a lot w/ the anxiety. But now he's gone and since I had depression ANYWAY I remained on it. I'm confident enough now to where even if he came back AGAIN I won't need this medicine.
I need to learn to take life's grief like a big girl, I guess without a blanket. I can understand taking something if someone you love dies but otherwise (for me) it may damage natural dopamine flow and or give you a whole new personality that also isn't quite natural.

I almost died b/c of some meds I was given in the psych ward, so now I question doctors constantly but i have a nice doctor who listens to me, like I said, even though she's not my psychiatrist, but I hate all those docs.

My ex was the same! Not the most recent but the one before him (well one of the more important ones) I was terrified that he was going to come back because he'd always make an appearance in my life when he knew I'd be vulnerable even though he'd lie about his relationships and he ended up getting married to the girl he rebounded w/ after me so I felt like it was imminent he'd find me eventually so I keep massive secrets on the internets now, especially on here because he somehow knows I have an account here (he also stalks my blogs). That's why I changed my name from Paloma the first time and why I hate it when people call me that name because I don't "belong" to him anymore and anyone who insists on calling me that is reinforcing the abuse I suffered under him, he was fond of gaslighting me and I had no idea who I was and he basically told me that he'd "build me up" if I couldn't know who I was. The big difference is that I already loved myself before that bull**** but he hated himself, so he tried to drag me down to that level too.He used to **** on my poetry/art too because he wasn't artistically talented like I am. He wanted to be a writer, so he'd cut down my writing and then he'd stalk out my writing on different sites I kept it for safekeeping because I lose paper a lot but I like to keep my writings and he'd blackmail me into telling me who my writing was about and a lot of times I didn't know. He'd insist I was cheating on him because it didnt seem about him...ugh and then he'd share his crappy writing and I'd be like "um...yeah this is...great..." he'd get mad and tell me I wasn't a writer, but merely that I "shat pretty words" lmfao, I think that's hilarious though because it's totally accurate about how I write, but I don't write for anyone else but me or the person it's about. So I told him the straight up truth in a FB message and deleted him off my f/lst and blocked him.

He has low self esteem, but that That seems to happen to me a lot, I think maybe I just end up with dudes with low self esteem a lot, and that sucks. Oh well, for now I'm best by myself, I don't mind being alone for now though.

[CrazyVegn]

Originally Posted by Hermione

I almost died b/c of some meds I was given in the psych ward, so now I question doctors constantly but i have a nice doctor who listens to me, like I said, even though she's not my psychiatrist, but I hate all those docs.

My ex was the same! Not the most recent but the one before him (well one of the more important ones) I was terrified that he was going to come back because he'd always make an appearance in my life when he knew I'd be vulnerable even though he'd lie about his relationships and he ended up getting married to the girl he rebounded w/ after me so I felt like it was imminent he'd find me eventually so I keep massive secrets on the internets now, especially on here because he somehow knows I have an account here (he also stalks my blogs). That's why I changed my name from Paloma the first time and why I hate it when people call me that name because I don't "belong" to him anymore and anyone who insists on calling me that is reinforcing the abuse I suffered under him, he was fond of gaslighting me and I had no idea who I was and he basically told me that he'd "build me up" if I couldn't know who I was. The big difference is that I already loved myself before that bull**** but he hated himself, so he tried to drag me down to that level too.He used to **** on my poetry/art too because he wasn't artistically talented like I am. He wanted to be a writer, so he'd cut down my writing and then he'd stalk out my writing on different sites I kept it for safekeeping because I lose paper a lot but I like to keep my writings and he'd blackmail me into telling me who my writing was about and a lot of times I didn't know. He'd insist I was cheating on him because it didnt seem about him...ugh and then he'd share his crappy writing and I'd be like "um...yeah this is...great..." he'd get mad and tell me I wasn't a writer, but merely that I "shat pretty words" lmfao, I think that's hilarious though because it's totally accurate about how I write, but I don't write for anyone else but me or the person it's about. So I told him the straight up truth in a FB message and deleted him off my f/lst and blocked him.

He has low self esteem, but that That seems to happen to me a lot, I think maybe I just end up with dudes with low self esteem a lot, and that sucks. Oh well, for now I'm best by myself, I don't mind being alone for now though.

Um, yes, I attract stalkers of both sexes BUT am not going to do victim roll at the moment bc I'm v complicated.

It surprised me ppl remarked on how sad I look bc on the inside I'm kinda happy.

Was it an Internet relationship or was it RL? ( I got the impression it was real but wanted to double check so I know how to help you )

[Sansa Stark]

Originally Posted by CrazyVegn

Um, yes, I attract stalkers of both sexes BUT am not going to do victim roll at the moment bc I'm v complicated.

It surprised me ppl remarked on how sad I look bc on the inside I'm kinda happy.

Was it an Internet relationship or was it RL? ( I got the impression it was real but wanted to double check so I know how to help you )

I've never had a female stalker LOL I make friends w/ all females most of the time because I trust them

It was IRL but we've been facebook friends since the breakup bc he blackmailed me into giving him my FB for some reason because he thought I was hiding something from him because I like to have a lot of alone time and for some reason he doesn't understand that? Like a lot of the relationships I've been in don't understand that except for my friendships with other women bc I'm always there for them no matter what bc I love them and would do anything for them. I feel the same in relationships but a lot of the times I feel like theyre trying to possess me and control me because they won't let me have my downtime. He used to like to stalk through my fb friends and if he didn't know a dude then he'd freak out and think I was ****ing him even if they were gay. I was disallowed male friends so now I really don't have them anymore because I think they're all gonna turn out like Brendan or Brian (a dude I dated between Brendan and I's relationship who was at first my best friend) and I'm gonna be taken advantage of like they did to me.

My ex Keaton was also like that, except I just only got in a relationship because I wanted to **** him, and I ****ed him and then I realised I could never love him b/c I don't respect him as a person and he doesn't respect me, not only that but he willfully hurt me and treated me like garbage bc he said he just didn't give a **** about me. I gave him tonnes of chances then I was just like, this is kiling me, I'm out

[CrazyVegn]

Originally Posted by Hermione

I've never had a female stalker LOL I make friends w/ all females most of the time because I trust them

It was IRL but we've been facebook friends since the breakup bc he blackmailed me into giving him my FB for some reason because he thought I was hiding something from him because I like to have a lot of alone time and for some reason he doesn't understand that? Like a lot of the relationships I've been in don't understand that except for my friendships with other women bc I'm always there for them no matter what bc I love them and would do anything for them. I feel the same in relationships but a lot of the times I feel like theyre trying to possess me and control me because they won't let me have my downtime. He used to like to stalk through my fb friends and if he didn't know a dude then he'd freak out and think I was ****ing him even if they were gay. I was disallowed male friends so now I really don't have them anymore because I think they're all gonna turn out like Brendan or Brian (a dude I dated between Brendan and I's relationship who was at first my best friend) and I'm gonna be taken advantage of like they did to me.

My ex Keaton was also like that, except I just only got in a relationship because I wanted to **** him, and I ****ed him and then I realised I could never love him b/c I don't respect him as a person and he doesn't respect me, not only that but he willfully hurt me and treated me like garbage bc he said he just didn't give a **** about me. I gave him tonnes of chances then I was just like, this is kiling me, I'm out

That's very unique/rare to love fellow females in a world of those of us who mistreat each other. Good for you!
Make sure you're not listed on sites like Spokeo if you're still worried. Now that he's married - he may be distracted/content.

[Sansa Stark]

Originally Posted by CrazyVegn

That's very unique/rare to love fellow females in a world of those of us who mistreat each other. Good for you!
Make sure you're not listed on sites like Spokeo if you're still worried. Now that he's married - he may be distracted/content.

Thanks boo! I really appreciate your input & you actually reading through my word vomit