Give Vanilla Advice Before She Comes
 

I have this stupid bitch that sits beside me at work who's on my team. She constantly complains, moans, puts whoever is next to her down and is on a major power trip. She thinks she's the best and will not shut the fuck up. I have to sit next to her crap every day and she needs to a)lighten up and b) stop acting like she's above us/has authority.

Can someone please explain to me how I should deal with this? I need advice before I do something stupid like a) punch her face in/bury her or b) scream at her in front of the entire office c) shoot myself.

Yes I've been drinking, but only because I needed to unwind.

is there a way you can like, not sit by her?

just beat her up

I'd have to swap seats with the girl next to me who knows how annoying she is. Not gonna happen. Our office is filled to the brim. Any other ideas? I welcome violence advice.

Invite her to a bar, get her hammed, and if she pissed you off BOOM right hook to the dome. At work blame it on the booze.

get some tasteless rat poison and slip it in her coffee when she's not looking

Firstly, you didn`t say whether she`s your superior as in supervisor etc. If she is then the situation is more difficult especially as you have to be careful how you react if you like or need the job.

If she`s not your superior, then its much easier, basically challenge some of her assumptions and look to pick a fight whenever possible (in a tactful way of course, as in trashing her opinions with some hard facts or general common sense) and in that way you should get the others on your side. This normally provokes two responses. 1)she`ll back down with the attitude which is the desired effect or 2)She`ll show you what shes made of and then you`ll have to step up your act until one of you comes out on top.

This happens in most workplaces and normally more with women than men. But one cat always comes out on top in the end.

Is this someone you have to actually interact with to do your job or just a person you happen to sit next to?

I hope David Thorne will help you find some inspiration. Personally I find the horse whisperer joke the best, but more should work ;)

If you want to win, take what you've learned from the internet. Trolls have mastered the correct battle tactics.

If you say and do things you can't actually get in trouble for, but you know drives her nuts, you might make her flip out and screw herself. Just do it with sincereity and make her look unreasonable. Find her buttons and mash them like a 6 year old in an elevator.