Look JWB first baby-step towards humanity, we should all give him a round of applause.:clap:

can't tell if sarcastic

50/50

im a girl irl

Officially?

my shitty mental state has caused me to withdraw from people I care about and it makes me feel like a piece of shit person.

Can't give yourself away all the time, once in a while a retreat into oneself is more than necessary :). Ain't a soul worth your time fretting.

I guess that's true.

I have a severely irrational fear that I'm somehow inadequate in a lot of ways, to a lot of people. I need to get over that.

You go toe to toe with The Batlord, and most often times get the best of him.

For what it's worth.

Well, I'm supposed to meet my deadbeat dad for the first time tomorrow, and I always thought I'd feel nervous, or scared, that I'd be pining after some relationship that I'd always envied in others. I figured I'd be trying to impress him so he'd want to stay this time. But I feel good. Really good. Not because I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm finally going to have a dad---honestly, at the age of 28, and having no real understanding of what a father is, I neither need him, nor even have any idea of what I would want from him as a dad---but because there's been a power reversal.

For my whole life, he had inflicted his rejection on me, and it made me feel inadequate. Like I just wasn't son enough for him or some such nonsense. But now, he's nervous about meeting me, and probably feeling the shame of having failed as a man in such a profound way. I don't know if he wants an actual relationship, or just some selfish feeling of absolution if I forgive and accept him, and honestly, I don't care. I owe him nothing.

Tomorrow, I get to go in with the knowledge that if I take his measure as a man and find him wanting, I will be the one with the power of rejection. And if I abandon him, it will not be as a coward unable to deal with his responsibilities, but as a man making an informed decision about who he finds worthy to associate himself with. (The fact that he'll then have to go through life knowing without a doubt that his son gave him a chance and still doesn't want anything to do with him will be merely an added bonus.)

For my whole life I've wondered if whenever I failed at something, or was weak, if that part of me was that same part of my father which was so worthless. Since I didn't know him, I had no idea just how deep his flaws were, and so my own perceived flaws could be limitless. But if I get to know him, and he's someone worth knowing, then maybe I'll learn things about myself that will fill that hole, and I won't be so uncertain of myself. If he's the loser I always feared he was, then I'll know that too, and be able to recognize those parts of myself that we share, and deal with them with some degree of confidence.

For the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of strength. This is my situation to deal with as I see fit, and this man who has been a specter haunting me will have to accept whatever judgement I decide upon. And if nothing else, I at least finally have my chance to hit him in the face with a brick.


Edit: And **** Chula.