The Confessional Thread

[FRED HALE SR.]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

I've disowned/been disowned by both my brothers. When my sister was diagnosed with MS in 2001, it was (naturally) a hell of a shock to us all but I foolishly thought it would bring the family together. The two brothers were married and obviously out of the house, but we still connected reasonably regulalry. Once my sis got sick though (well, not right away, but when it became apparent that she was REALLY sick) the two of them just more or less drifted away. We hardly ever --- no, in the last two years, never --- get any communication of any kind from either of them, and it's hard enough trying to look after my sis without feeling they got off scott-free, as it were.

I worked for almost 30 years, the last six or seven of which were balanced with looking after my sister, who was at home now, having been let go from her job one year after being diagnosed. In 2009 I took voluntary redundancy from my job to look after her fulltime, by which time she had become totally bedbound and dependent on me. In 2011 she had what she describes as a stroke, but basically it looks like the MS just pumped up the volume, so to speak, and her condition got a lot worse. Whereas before she could sit on the side of the bed to eat, and feed herself, make it to the commode albeit with some difficulty, after the stroke she was and is unable to move her legs except the tiniest bit, certainly can't take any weight on them and can no longer feed herself. I now literally have to do everything for her, including, well, the toilet stuff.

None of which I have a problem with. She's my sister and I love her more than anything. It's not her fault she got hit with this, as I constantly remind her when she apologises for "being so disgusting" when I have to clean her up etc. I would of course prefer this was not the case, but there it is and I deal with it. No big thing. Well, you know what I mean: no point complaining about it and feeling sorry for myself. I only have to look after her, it's she that's in constant pain, can't move and is totally reliant on me for every single thing. I even had to specially adapt water bottles by punching a hole in the cap through which I could stuff a straw, as she can't really raise the bottle to her mouth and drink as you normally would. She's also prone to violent, terrifying coughing fits/loss of breath, one of which she had two nights ago, and let me tell you it was scary!

But I could live with all of this better if I had any sort of indication from the "Brothers Grimm", as she calls them, that they cared, would help, understood or even acknowledged her condition, or that they HAD a sister. For all they care, it would seem, we could both be dead, which is really sad as it could happen, and who would know? Who would tell them and what would they think? Would they even blame themselves? I'm upset and annoyed to say that I doubt it.

Why are people so insensitive? What makes them think that they, as siblings, have no responsibility to their sister, or to me? It's not like I'm asking for regular visits or anything, but hell, a phone call once a month, a card, even a friggin' email would be nice. But nothing. From one end of the year to the other, we don't even hear from them. Zip. Nothing. Nada.

And yet (and I guess this is the confession part, in case you were wondering) I can't bring myself to hate them. I resent the stance they've taken (which is totally incomprehensible to me), I pity them, I feel cold towards them and I guess in a way I mourn the loss of my brothers, but I can't hate them. I hate almost no-one, except my ****bag of a father. But then, he did abuse BOTH my sisters, and my mam died twenty years, now, before him, and he still persists in walking this earth. No justice.

Some people just don't know how to deal with illness in the same manner as yourself, i'm guessing that has something to do with your brothers. Its very admirable the time and care you have put into insure your sisters quality of life. I too would hold some resentment with my siblings if they abandoned my sister if she fell ill. Stay strong.

[Plankton]

Was in a VERY similar situation. My Mom had a grand maul siezure in 1994, and was expected to expire, but when we "Unplugged" her she persisted to get better. Still, she only had the cognitive abilities of a 6 month old baby until she passed in 2008, and was dependant upon my Step-Father, brother and me for her well being.

I was living there, helping take care of her when my Step and me got in a fight. I left with the intentions of never coming back since I was sick of him throwing me out everytime we had a disagreement. Which happened 4 times from the time I was 16. I was in my late 30's when I finally had enough.

My Step-Father died last Feb, and I'm so pissed at myself for not mending things before hand, and the thing is... my brother never let me know of his conditions. THAT makes me angry. He could have picked up the phone. He has my number. We only live a few miles apart.

I've recently been thinking I need to set things aside, and just contact him. Let by-gones be what they are and renew our relationship. We were always close growing up, and have gone through quite a bit when our parents divorced in the 70's.

What I'm saying is at least make the effort to contact them Troll, and let the cards fall where they may. If anything you'll know in your heart you did the right thing.

[FETCHER.]

I'm terrible with words but as Fred mentioned, what you do for your sister is ridiculously admirable. You should be proud of yourself for doing that alone. I would tell your brothers to **** off, but that's just my stubbornness. Have you tried contacting them and telling them how you feel? They may not realise what extent your sisters illness has reached and how much you miss them.

[Trollheart]

Well the thing is that back when it all happened, firstly there was no family meeting: it was just sort of taken as read that since I was living with her that I'd look after her. That annoys me, but there it is. I later tried to explain to them that we needed a contingency plan in case I copped it, or became too ill to look after her. One of my brothers' response was that she'd have to go into a nursing home. Hmm. No surprise there, but she heard it and was seriously pissed off. In the end I cancelled the meeting as nobody seemed to want to come, were making excuses and I felt all I would end up doing would be wasting an evening and getting angry as they sat there looking blankly at me. Not worth the aggro.

I don't feel like I should make the first move; they're the ones that have abandoned us and why should I be trying to make them feel better? I also know that if we did patch things up it would only be to smooth out their own feelings of guilt; there'd be no change in how things are. If they agreed to make an effort --- and followed through on it --- then maybe it would be worth it, but I know that wouldn't happen. It'd be more, let's get this over with so he's happy and we can go back to living our lives. An inconvenience, to be dealt with and then pushed aside.

I wouldn't mind (well, I would) but I'm not even asking them to help, just keep in contact, but apparently that's too much trouble. No, they're not getting off the hook that easily. Anyone wants to make overtures --- genuine overtures --- towards reconciliation it's going to have to be them.

[ribbons]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

None of which I have a problem with. She's my sister and I love her more than anything.

I’m sure she loves you more than anything.

Originally Posted by Trollheart

I would of course prefer this was not the case, but there it is and I deal with it. No big thing.

It’s a very big thing. But of course, a truly selfless person such as yourself is wont to make a small matter of a very big matter.

Thanks to you, your sister knows what it's like to be genuinely loved by a caring, strong, steadfast, industrious, incredible brother and friend.

I'll never forget your post and am totally humbled by it. I think you are beyond amazing.

[Trollheart]

Well thank you. Many people say something similar, but to be honest it just embarrasses me. What's the big deal? How could I NOT do this, and live with myself? I always said to her that even had I moved out/emigrated and got the news, I'd come back to look after her. Of course, it shouldn't be left up only to me, and I do worry what would happen should anything happen to me. That's extra pressure. But hey ho, could be worse. At least she doesn't have Alzheimers! Don't think I could cope with that.

But thanks for the kind words, ribbons, and indeed to the rest of you for your support. It really does mean a lot.

[Unknown Soldier]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

I've disowned/been disowned by both my brothers. When my sister was diagnosed with MS in 2001, it was (naturally) a hell of a shock to us all but I foolishly thought it would bring the family together. The two brothers were married and obviously out of the house, but we still connected reasonably regulalry. Once my sis got sick though (well, not right away, but when it became apparent that she was REALLY sick) the two of them just more or less drifted away. We hardly ever --- no, in the last two years, never --- get any communication of any kind from either of them, and it's hard enough trying to look after my sis without feeling they got off scott-free, as it were.

I worked for almost 30 years, the last six or seven of which were balanced with looking after my sister, who was at home now, having been let go from her job one year after being diagnosed. In 2009 I took voluntary redundancy from my job to look after her fulltime, by which time she had become totally bedbound and dependent on me. In 2011 she had what she describes as a stroke, but basically it looks like the MS just pumped up the volume, so to speak, and her condition got a lot worse. Whereas before she could sit on the side of the bed to eat, and feed herself, make it to the commode albeit with some difficulty, after the stroke she was and is unable to move her legs except the tiniest bit, certainly can't take any weight on them and can no longer feed herself. I now literally have to do everything for her, including, well, the toilet stuff.

None of which I have a problem with. She's my sister and I love her more than anything. It's not her fault she got hit with this, as I constantly remind her when she apologises for "being so disgusting" when I have to clean her up etc. I would of course prefer this was not the case, but there it is and I deal with it. No big thing. Well, you know what I mean: no point complaining about it and feeling sorry for myself. I only have to look after her, it's she that's in constant pain, can't move and is totally reliant on me for every single thing. I even had to specially adapt water bottles by punching a hole in the cap through which I could stuff a straw, as she can't really raise the bottle to her mouth and drink as you normally would. She's also prone to violent, terrifying coughing fits/loss of breath, one of which she had two nights ago, and let me tell you it was scary!

But I could live with all of this better if I had any sort of indication from the "Brothers Grimm", as she calls them, that they cared, would help, understood or even acknowledged her condition, or that they HAD a sister. For all they care, it would seem, we could both be dead, which is really sad as it could happen, and who would know? Who would tell them and what would they think? Would they even blame themselves? I'm upset and annoyed to say that I doubt it.

Why are people so insensitive? What makes them think that they, as siblings, have no responsibility to their sister, or to me? It's not like I'm asking for regular visits or anything, but hell, a phone call once a month, a card, even a friggin' email would be nice. But nothing. From one end of the year to the other, we don't even hear from them. Zip. Nothing. Nada.

And yet (and I guess this is the confession part, in case you were wondering) I can't bring myself to hate them. I resent the stance they've taken (which is totally incomprehensible to me), I pity them, I feel cold towards them and I guess in a way I mourn the loss of my brothers, but I can't hate them. I hate almost no-one, except my ****bag of a father. But then, he did abuse BOTH my sisters, and my mam died twenty years, now, before him, and he still persists in walking this earth. No justice.

A very touching post and I think how you look after your sister speaks volumes about you. There are not many people that would do what you do.

[ladyislingering]

Originally Posted by Tumor

I only put my hand over my face when I laugh to hide my bad teeth. I'm kinda white trash.

I have this problem as well. I'm in too much debt for cosmetic dentistry and probably will be for a long time.

I honestly and completely hate everything about my own reflection, and if I could get away with it I'd wear a mourning veil everywhere. I get so pissed off at attractive people who say they're ugly for attention because some of us are really screwed in the looks department.

Honestly at times I have hated myself so much that I've considered suicide as a means of not having to exist in my own skin anymore.

/rant

[ribbons]

ladyislingering, I have noticed a photo of you and your partner posted some months ago, and I happen to think you are a lovely-looking woman with a great sense of style.

Now, Ted Bundy: that's another matter. He is truly ugly, and I want to throw up every time I see him.

*** grabs the Pepto Bismol and fades away ***

[ribbons]

Originally Posted by Trollheart

At least she doesn't have Alzheimers! Don't think I could cope with that.

Alzheimers is terrible. My former mother-in-law has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. It was very difficult for my ex-husband and he was not emotionally equipped to handle her illlness. Years ago she was cared for at home by an aide, and I would bring her grandchildren to visit and she would show some recognition of them by giggling and nodding in their presence. But before long, she had no recognition of us at all. I visit her in the nursing home from time to time, sometimes with my daughter when she is home from school. She is usually sitting slumped in a wheelchair, and she no longer knows us; it is very sad but we just hope, I guess, that she can sense our presence there.

The mother of my daughter's best friend, who is like a second daughter to me, had her children late in life and suffered early-onset Alzheimers. She no longer recognizes her own children, and is cared for by aide at home with help from her daughter. The daughter is 20 and she has two young teenaged sons. As the mother's Alzheimers became full-blown about three years ago, her husband, the father of these children, died of lung cancer. So now this young girl of 20 -- who is an absolutely wonderful person -- has had to care for the family and act as a surrogate mother to her younger brothers. This girl is the strongest and most loving, loveable person I've ever met in my whole life; she and my daughter met on the first day of preschool and they have been best friends ever since. I always call her my second daughter, and she calls me her "adopted" mother. When I think of all she has been through and still endures with her unbelievably positive attitude, it makes all other problems in life dwindle away in comparison.