what the largest animal you could kick to death? (rock, quote)

Freebase Dali · 06-10-2010, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gunnels

^Ostriches are deadly mofos.
If I were in the pursuit of a rabid Capybara, I'd be prepared to engage in mortal combat.
Maybe a wolverine if I had my steel toe boots on.

Reminded me of this:

Just The Facts

Average height: five- to six-feet.
It has no fear of death.
Is not an ossuary. Dumbass.

How It Can Kill You

The cassowary has the ability to run at speeds of up to 50 kilometers per hour, shredding through branches, sharp leaves and the elderly with its bitchin helmet (called a casque). Think you can get away? Guess again--it will run you the **** down. On top of that, it can jump up to a meter in the air; or, high enough to kick a grown man right in the tits. The cassowary is an accomplished swimmer, excelling at both the breast and butterfly stroke. Once within range it will attempt to gore you with its hideous velociraptor talons, or touch you with its hilarious chin-balls. Biologists have failed to confront or acknowledge the cassowary's ability to transmogrify into the thing you fear most (which somehow looks exactly like a cassowary). Who are you going to believe, some ****ing scientist?

How You Can Kill It

So you've angered a cassowary:

Go closer.
Threaten the bird, either verbally or by making obscene gestures
Continue to approach
The bird runs at you suddenly. Let it.
The bird's claws inflict a horrible wound in your stomach
Die

Failing this, attempt to:

Wave a stick at it
Feed it a drama student, or small child
Kick it in the penis

X 17.5

VEGANGELICA · 06-10-2010, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freebase Dali

The cassowary has the ability to run at speeds of up to 50 kilometers per hour, shredding through branches, sharp leaves and the elderly with its bitchin helmet (called a casque). Think you can get away? Guess again--it will run you the **** down.

Well, Freebase, this cassowary sounds like my kind of bird, when I'm in one of my misanthropic moments! Shy, but able to defend herself if necessary.

I decided to look up cassowary to learn whether there is some truth to what you quoted, and (according to Wikipedia), it turns out there is:

Quote:

Cassowaries are very shy, but when disturbed, they are capable of inflicting serious injuries to dogs and children.

Of 221 attacks studied, 150 were against humans. 75% of these were from cassowaries that had been fed by people. Of the attacks, 73% involved the birds expecting or snatching food, 5% involved defending natural food sources, 15% involved defending themselves from attack, 7% involved defending their chicks or eggs. Of all 150 attacks there was only one human death.

The one documented human death caused by a cassowary was that of Phillip McClean, aged 16 years old, and it happened on 6 April 1926. He and his brother, aged 13, were attempting to beat the cassowary to death with clubs. They were accompanied by their dog. The bird kicked the younger boy, who fell and ran away.

Then the older boy struck the bird. The bird charged and knocked the older boy to the ground. While on the ground, Phillip was kicked in the neck, opening a 1.25 centimeter wound. Phillip got up and ran but died shortly afterwards from the hemorrhaging blood vessel in his neck.
Cassowary - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It was an unlikely death: the cassowary inadvertantly hit an artery when kicking the older boy, who with his brother had ganged up on the bird and were attempting to beat the cassowary to death with clubs. If only this would serve as a lesson to those who go on the offensive to kick animals to death.

ikvat · 06-10-2010, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freebase Dali

Reminded me of this:

Just The Facts

Average height: five- to six-feet.
It has no fear of death.
Is not an ossuary. Dumbass.

How It Can Kill You

The cassowary has the ability to run at speeds of up to 50 kilometers per hour, shredding through branches, sharp leaves and the elderly with its bitchin helmet (called a casque). Think you can get away? Guess again--it will run you the **** down. On top of that, it can jump up to a meter in the air; or, high enough to kick a grown man right in the tits. The cassowary is an accomplished swimmer, excelling at both the breast and butterfly stroke. Once within range it will attempt to gore you with its hideous velociraptor talons, or touch you with its hilarious chin-balls. Biologists have failed to confront or acknowledge the cassowary's ability to transmogrify into the thing you fear most (which somehow looks exactly like a cassowary). Who are you going to believe, some ****ing scientist?

How You Can Kill It

So you've angered a cassowary:

Go closer.
Threaten the bird, either verbally or by making obscene gestures
Continue to approach
The bird runs at you suddenly. Let it.
The bird's claws inflict a horrible wound in your stomach
Die

Failing this, attempt to:

Wave a stick at it
Feed it a drama student, or small child
Kick it in the penis

X 17.5

Australia is full of funny pets.

Thrice · 06-11-2010, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freebase Dali

Kick it in the penis.

Ha ha. Im going for this first.