Help with Essays

~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ · 04-20-2010, 02:38 PM

So for my literature class I have to do a couple of these things. I need to do like three of them today, and usually when I write I like to let things sit for a while (a couple of days) and then come back to them with a clear head and make the necessary changes.

Since I don't really have that kind of time right now I was wondering if you guys could give me some tips/adjustments/whatever on the ones I'm writing as we speak.

Grammar is an important thing, but I think I've done pretty well on that. Mostly i'm just looking for tips on structure, choice of words, reading comprehensibility.. etc.

The first one:

Write a Narrative Essay of no more than three paragraphs about an experience that helped you or someone else change or grow

He was driving and then he wasn't. He simply wasn't. He was in the woods. What if this happened to you? What would you think? What would your thoughts be? “How did I get here?” he is what he thought. But he let the question slip his mind; he wasn’t at all too concerned. His brain wasn’t working right. His thoughts seemed to churn and churn. In every direction his mind would wonder.

Now he was in a field. It was night, but the daylight didn't yield to the night’s sky. The daylight sunk into the ground and shone upwards. He silently stared, not making a sound, astounded at the light that shone up through the ground. The light became bright, in time it blinded him. His sight was lost, but his visions remained. He saw trouble after trouble float through his head. Finally, he saw himself dead. His body was near the bottle and the vehicle. He saw his friends attending his funeral, none of them happy but none too sad. “He brought this on himself!” was what one of them shouted. Now he was upset, angry even. His cursed his own name; he knew he was dead. He screamed to get out and he woke up in bed.

This was the recovery room. In the night he thought he died, but he really survived an accident on the road. He looked around the room and saw no family visiting him. There was only a police officer, ready to arrest him when he recovered. What if this happened to you? What if the light shone through the floor? As for Mr. Walker, he drinks no more.

Freebase Dali · 04-20-2010, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conan

So for my writing class I have to do a couple of these things. I need to do like three of them today, and usually when I write I like to let things sit for a while (a couple of days) and then come back to them with a clear head and make the necessary changes.

Since I don't really have that kind of time right now I was wondering if you guys could give me some tips/adjustments/whatever on the ones I'm writing as we speak.

Grammar is an important thing, but I think I've done pretty well on that. Mostly i'm just looking for tips on structure, choice of words, reading comprehensibility.. etc.

The first one:

Write a Narrative Essay of no more than three paragraphs about an experience that helped you or someone else change or grow

He was driving and then he wasn't. He simply wasn't. He was in the woods. What if this happened to you? What would you think? What would your thoughts be? “How did I get here?” he is what he thought. But he let the question slip his mind; he wasn’t at all too concerned. His brain wasn’t working right. His thoughts seemed to churn and churn. In every direction his mind would wonder.

Now he was in a field. It was night, but the daylight didn't yield to the night’s sky. The daylight sunk into the ground and shone upwards. He silently stared, not making a sound, astounded at the light that shone up through the ground. The light became bright, in time it blinded him. His sight was lost, but his visions remained. He saw trouble after trouble float through his head. Finally, he saw himself dead. His body was near the bottle and the vehicle. He saw his friends attending his funeral, none of them happy but none too sad. “He brought this on himself!” was what one of them shouted. Now he was upset, angry even. His cursed his own name; he knew he was dead. He screamed to get out and he woke up in bed.

This was the recovery room. In the night he thought he died, but he really survived an accident on the road. He looked around the room and saw no family visiting him. There was only a police officer, ready to arrest him when he recovered. What if this happened to you? What if the light shone through the floor? As for Mr. Walker, he drinks no more.

Seems like you could include more details about the way it changed Mr. Walker and the effect it had on him after he decided to stop drinking, and rely a little less on the sensory details. They're nice but because you're limited to three paragraphs, you could make the piece a little clearer by exchanging some of the abstract with some concreteness.

Just a thought.

duga · 04-20-2010, 03:25 PM

You need to use some transitions between paragraphs and work on the flow of your sentence structure. I understand what you are trying to do with short and blunt sentences, but that technique shouldn't be used more than once in a paper because after a while it starts to wear on the reader.

~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ · 04-20-2010, 07:27 PM

Feedback is appreciated. I tried to take the advice to the revision. I removed the What would YOU do nonsense, connected some of the ideas together, abandoned the asonance ryhming thing I was trying to do and changed up the comatose visions quite a bit. Here's version 2...

He was driving and then he wasn't. He simply wasn't behind the wheel anymore. Instead, he was in the woods. He couldn't clearly see the sky, but he knew that is was midday. He didn't care at all that he was displaced from his vehicle, he didn't even wonder why it had happened. Instead his mind simply wondered in every direction. Memories mixed with his imagination, and the lines between reality and fiction were blurred.

Now he found himself standing in a field, the night's sky and a full moon above him. The light from the moon seemed unusually bright. He stared at, and noticed that the light was progressively getting brighter and brighter. In time the whiteness of the moon fully engulfed him. Faintly, he could see images fading in and out. He strained to reconize them. Finally, it became apparent that he was seeing images of himself. He saw his body near the bottle that he drank that night, and someone else's in the vehicle that he drove that night. He saw his friends attending his funeral, none of them happy but none too sad. “He brought this on himself!” one of them heckled. Now he was upset, his being filled with madness. He cursed his own name and he lamented his own actions. He knew that he was dead and that he took another with him. He screamed. He cried out in agony. He tore the fabric of his own phantasm into pieces.

He awoke in a bed, but not his own bed. This was the recovery room. In the night he thought he had died, but in reality he had survived an accident on the road. He looked around the room and saw no family visiting him, only a police officer. Now Mr. Walker drinks no more, and he drives only with a clear head. He's made real friends now, recognizing that the addictions he fed were holding him back. His life is more full, more meaningful. But it's ashame he had to learn his lesson at the cost of another. It's a shame he won't be as free as he used to be.

better? worse?

mr dave · 04-20-2010, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conan

“How did I get here?” he is what he thought.

you have one he too many in this sentence.

like the others said. too many. short sentences. otherwise. fine. reads like a telegram. stop.

~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ · 04-20-2010, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr dave

you have one he too many in this sentence.

like the others said. too many. short sentences. otherwise. fine. reads like a telegram. stop.

Yeah. I noticed that. A few minutes ago. Just a typo.

Also. are you reffering to Version 1 or 2? Because I removed a lot of the stop and go sentences in 2.

mr dave · 04-20-2010, 07:48 PM

yeah we posted at the same time. figured it was just a typo but just in case it was one of those that kept getting missed...

also why does 'he' only turn into Mr. Walker at the end? why does someone with the name Walker keep driving in an anti-drinking and driving essay? and when did someone else die in there?

~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ · 04-20-2010, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr dave

also why does 'he' only turn into Mr. Walker at the end?

Do you think it would be better to mention his name more or remove his name entirely?

Quote:

and when did someone else die in there?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conan

He saw his body near the bottle that he drank that night, and someone else's in the vehicle that he drove that night.

Here.

Again your welcome to say if something needs to be changed.

This isn't something i'd ever seriously write about, by the way...

mr dave · 04-20-2010, 08:04 PM

i'd keep the name out myself, it seems a little hokey especially with the implied message.

the line about the bodies is a little confusing as well. i interpreted it like he can recognize himself next to a bottle but not recognize himself as the victim in the crash.

04-20-2010, 02:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4,538	Help with Essays So for my literature class I have to do a couple of these things. I need to do like three of them today, and usually when I write I like to let things sit for a while (a couple of days) and then come back to them with a clear head and make the necessary changes. Since I don't really have that kind of time right now I was wondering if you guys could give me some tips/adjustments/whatever on the ones I'm writing as we speak. Grammar is an important thing, but I think I've done pretty well on that. Mostly i'm just looking for tips on structure, choice of words, reading comprehensibility.. etc. The first one: Write a Narrative Essay of no more than three paragraphs about an experience that helped you or someone else change or grow He was driving and then he wasn't. He simply wasn't. He was in the woods. What if this happened to you? What would you think? What would your thoughts be? “How did I get here?” he is what he thought. But he let the question slip his mind; he wasn’t at all too concerned. His brain wasn’t working right. His thoughts seemed to churn and churn. In every direction his mind would wonder. Now he was in a field. It was night, but the daylight didn't yield to the night’s sky. The daylight sunk into the ground and shone upwards. He silently stared, not making a sound, astounded at the light that shone up through the ground. The light became bright, in time it blinded him. His sight was lost, but his visions remained. He saw trouble after trouble float through his head. Finally, he saw himself dead. His body was near the bottle and the vehicle. He saw his friends attending his funeral, none of them happy but none too sad. “He brought this on himself!” was what one of them shouted. Now he was upset, angry even. His cursed his own name; he knew he was dead. He screamed to get out and he woke up in bed. This was the recovery room. In the night he thought he died, but he really survived an accident on the road. He looked around the room and saw no family visiting him. There was only a police officer, ready to arrest him when he recovered. What if this happened to you? What if the light shone through the floor? As for Mr. Walker, he drinks no more. Last edited by someonecompletelyrandom; 04-20-2010 at 07:53 PM.

04-20-2010, 03:25 PM	#3 (permalink)
duga MB quadrant's JM Vincent Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Washington, DC Posts: 3,762	You need to use some transitions between paragraphs and work on the flow of your sentence structure. I understand what you are trying to do with short and blunt sentences, but that technique shouldn't be used more than once in a paper because after a while it starts to wear on the reader. __________________ Confusion will be my epitaph...

04-20-2010, 07:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
~~someonecompletelyrandom~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 4,538	Feedback is appreciated. I tried to take the advice to the revision. I removed the What would YOU do nonsense, connected some of the ideas together, abandoned the asonance ryhming thing I was trying to do and changed up the comatose visions quite a bit. Here's version 2... He was driving and then he wasn't. He simply wasn't behind the wheel anymore. Instead, he was in the woods. He couldn't clearly see the sky, but he knew that is was midday. He didn't care at all that he was displaced from his vehicle, he didn't even wonder why it had happened. Instead his mind simply wondered in every direction. Memories mixed with his imagination, and the lines between reality and fiction were blurred. Now he found himself standing in a field, the night's sky and a full moon above him. The light from the moon seemed unusually bright. He stared at, and noticed that the light was progressively getting brighter and brighter. In time the whiteness of the moon fully engulfed him. Faintly, he could see images fading in and out. He strained to reconize them. Finally, it became apparent that he was seeing images of himself. He saw his body near the bottle that he drank that night, and someone else's in the vehicle that he drove that night. He saw his friends attending his funeral, none of them happy but none too sad. “He brought this on himself!” one of them heckled. Now he was upset, his being filled with madness. He cursed his own name and he lamented his own actions. He knew that he was dead and that he took another with him. He screamed. He cried out in agony. He tore the fabric of his own phantasm into pieces. He awoke in a bed, but not his own bed. This was the recovery room. In the night he thought he had died, but in reality he had survived an accident on the road. He looked around the room and saw no family visiting him, only a police officer. Now Mr. Walker drinks no more, and he drives only with a clear head. He's made real friends now, recognizing that the addictions he fed were holding him back. His life is more full, more meaningful. But it's ashame he had to learn his lesson at the cost of another. It's a shame he won't be as free as he used to be. better? worse?