I need some advice on this one.

TheBig3 · 12-26-2009, 09:45 PM

So I need to tell a story. It doens't have anything to do with this place or music but its bothering the hell out of me and I figure I'll never run into you people. This happened to me over the past couple of nights and I don't know if i'm overreacting to something or if I don't know what.

So this story kinda starts way back when I was 16/17. I met this girl who I knew through friends. We'd had an interesting past. We hooked up a few times over the course of 2 to 3 years. We had a love hate relationship, but she was cultured, she spoke french (she lived there until 9) she valued education. At 16 I was in love.

Once she left for college I spoke to her about once and it didn't go as I had hoped but despite our lack of connection I thought about her a lot more than I should have for someone I'd had such an infrequent relationship with.

Through the course of events unrelated, I ended up living in the town she grew up in (as it was, I still live there - with my girlfriend). Against my better judgment, the other night I decided being it the holidays she might be around and I dug her up on facebook.

I get to the page and it was the weirdest thing I'd seen on there. I couldn't find her normally so I went to a mutual friend and found her through that avenue. (yes stalking, whatever). She had no wall, you couldn't friend her or send her a message. There was this one other weird option where I could tag her in something I wrote on my own wall (idk) so I did it, just dropped a little note saying hello and marry Christmas hoping she'd friend me.

I log in today as part of my usual rounds and I have a message. That mutual friend I found her through send me a PM. Turns out this girl died in October in a fatal car crash. I'm not emotional in a traditional sense about things like this; i don't cry or get sad. But I feel haunted now in a sense.

I threw her name into google and I can't stop reading the lists of things it gives me. Memorial blogs, donation pages with money going to the inner city kids she'd work with, i even found her wish list on Amazon. As ****ed up as all that is, whoever locked down her facebook page hasn't locked it up tightly enough, and if you click on the blank profile picture it still had 4 old photos up.

The last two days I've gone there and just looked at them. Its creepy as hell but I feel like its something I should do. As if I'm silently paying homage to someone I've thought about for ten long years and who I'll never see again. I don't know how I miss a person I probably knew the least amount required to "know" them.

Anyhow, is this wildly bizarre or am I normal as far as this sort of thing goes?

Thanks for the time.

savannah · 12-26-2009, 10:00 PM

hey b,...this isnt marie is it?

as for how youre feeling,....i think its perfectly normal
you say you dont feel as though you knew her well enough to miss her, or atleast thats the vibe i get,....but you did know her, you knew her when you were kids,....and you loved her when you were a kid,....for whatever reason

but there was a reason, and thats been connected to an emotion, and its that emotion that is willing you to look at her picture, read her memorials, and kinda pay homage to the girl you once knew

i believe its things like that that make us human

TheBig3 · 12-26-2009, 10:07 PM

No this isn't Marie. Marie was from Texas outright. I don't think I told you about this one.

333 · 12-26-2009, 10:15 PM

I don't think what you're doing is creepy. It's good that you've expressed it, even if it's to strangers. Savannah is right - Homage through the means of looking at e-memorials and looking at pictures. Regardless of how long you knew her or how much you knew about her, there was a connection for you. It seems as though it was quite deep, and how you are reacting to her death seems natural enough. I'm weird about death, too. I don't ever cry about it - not even if it's someone close. Sometimes, years later, it finally hits me and I cry hard for a few hours, but for the most part, it's pushed to the back of my head. I often wonder if it's my perception of death that initiates such a reaction, but always conclude that I'm a heartless one. So, I guess in place of crying/feeling sad for a period of time or pushing it to the back of your head, you subconsciously or consciously revisit memories.

Neapolitan · 12-26-2009, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

The last two days I've gone there and just looked at them. Its creepy as hell but I feel like its something I should do. As if I'm silently paying homage to someone I've thought about for ten long years and who I'll never see again. I don't know how I miss a person I probably knew the least amount required to "know" them.

Anyhow, is this wildly bizarre or am I normal as far as this sort of thing goes?

I think it's normal, it's something I think any one would do. If you had photographs stored away somewhere, would you go looking for them and do the same. The fact that you silently paying homage is more import then where you found the pictures, it doesn't matter that you found them on facebook. Don't over-analyze how you feel.

~~Farfisa~~ · 12-26-2009, 11:10 PM

I've had a few friends die on me, it's pretty strange thinking about it. It's frightening for me, knowing that this person I once knew is no longer here and I'll never see them again but, like you I've never cried for any friend of mine that has passed on. One of my friends still has their myspace profile still up and we drop by and say a few things for him but, I'd feel better if it was taken down.I'm a cynical person, but I hate talking about death.

~~CAPTAIN CAVEMAN~~ · 12-27-2009, 04:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

As ****ed up as all that is, whoever locked down her facebook page hasn't locked it up tightly enough, and if you click on the blank profile picture it still had 4 old photos up.

i believe this is a result of facebook's recent changes to the personal privacy options. not their fault exactly.

i've never experienced a particularly close death but i wouldn't think your situation is bizarre. unless the feelings are very prolonged or exceedingly frequent.

right-track · 12-27-2009, 04:42 AM

When we lose someone it's only natural to try and make some form of contact with that person. It seems you're doing it with the only thing available.
Thinking about someone over a long period of time as you've done over the years isn't really any different from seeing that person on a regular basis in the flesh.
Both remain in your consciousness just the same.
The knowledge of her death has saddened your memories, but you shouldn't allow this to tar them.
Remembering a person as you remembered them is the only way to pay any justice to anothers memory. In the long term, the inclusion of sadness is nothing less than unfair to that individual.

You ask for advice.
Next time you look up her pics on Facebook...smile.

BTown · 12-27-2009, 12:54 PM

Like right-track said it's not weird that you're doing it over the internet because it's really the only and most convent to do.
I'm curious, though. If you don't mind me asking do you still have feelings for her?

FETCHER. · 12-27-2009, 01:16 PM

Something similar happened to me a few weeks ago, a guy I knew from when I was 14/15 hung himself and I done the same thing. I was constantly looking at his social network site hoping somehow he would log in and such, I sort of know how you feel. I don't find it creepy at all. I felt like looking at his site made me feel less guilty or something. It's a confusing feeling. I felt like looking at pictures made me miss him more. Everyone takes things differently. I hope I sort of helped you. Chin up Brennan

.

12-26-2009, 09:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	I need some advice on this one. So I need to tell a story. It doens't have anything to do with this place or music but its bothering the hell out of me and I figure I'll never run into you people. This happened to me over the past couple of nights and I don't know if i'm overreacting to something or if I don't know what. So this story kinda starts way back when I was 16/17. I met this girl who I knew through friends. We'd had an interesting past. We hooked up a few times over the course of 2 to 3 years. We had a love hate relationship, but she was cultured, she spoke french (she lived there until 9) she valued education. At 16 I was in love. Once she left for college I spoke to her about once and it didn't go as I had hoped but despite our lack of connection I thought about her a lot more than I should have for someone I'd had such an infrequent relationship with. Through the course of events unrelated, I ended up living in the town she grew up in (as it was, I still live there - with my girlfriend). Against my better judgment, the other night I decided being it the holidays she might be around and I dug her up on facebook. I get to the page and it was the weirdest thing I'd seen on there. I couldn't find her normally so I went to a mutual friend and found her through that avenue. (yes stalking, whatever). She had no wall, you couldn't friend her or send her a message. There was this one other weird option where I could tag her in something I wrote on my own wall (idk) so I did it, just dropped a little note saying hello and marry Christmas hoping she'd friend me. I log in today as part of my usual rounds and I have a message. That mutual friend I found her through send me a PM. Turns out this girl died in October in a fatal car crash. I'm not emotional in a traditional sense about things like this; i don't cry or get sad. But I feel haunted now in a sense. I threw her name into google and I can't stop reading the lists of things it gives me. Memorial blogs, donation pages with money going to the inner city kids she'd work with, i even found her wish list on Amazon. As ****ed up as all that is, whoever locked down her facebook page hasn't locked it up tightly enough, and if you click on the blank profile picture it still had 4 old photos up. The last two days I've gone there and just looked at them. Its creepy as hell but I feel like its something I should do. As if I'm silently paying homage to someone I've thought about for ten long years and who I'll never see again. I don't know how I miss a person I probably knew the least amount required to "know" them. Anyhow, is this wildly bizarre or am I normal as far as this sort of thing goes? Thanks for the time. __________________ I've moved to a new address

12-26-2009, 10:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
savannah afrocentric Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: texas Posts: 753	hey b,...this isnt marie is it? as for how youre feeling,....i think its perfectly normal you say you dont feel as though you knew her well enough to miss her, or atleast thats the vibe i get,....but you did know her, you knew her when you were kids,....and you loved her when you were a kid,....for whatever reason but there was a reason, and thats been connected to an emotion, and its that emotion that is willing you to look at her picture, read her memorials, and kinda pay homage to the girl you once knew i believe its things like that that make us human __________________ i changed my mind; i changed my mind;now i'm feeling different all that time, wasted i wish i was a little more delicate i wish my i wish my i wish my i wish my i wish my name was clementine - sarah jaffe

12-26-2009, 10:07 PM	#3 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	No this isn't Marie. Marie was from Texas outright. I don't think I told you about this one. __________________ I've moved to a new address

12-27-2009, 12:54 PM	#9 (permalink)
BTown super cool Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 806	Like right-track said it's not weird that you're doing it over the internet because it's really the only and most convent to do. I'm curious, though. If you don't mind me asking do you still have feelings for her? __________________

12-26-2009, 10:15 PM	#4 (permalink)
333 Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 965	I don't think what you're doing is creepy. It's good that you've expressed it, even if it's to strangers. Savannah is right - Homage through the means of looking at e-memorials and looking at pictures. Regardless of how long you knew her or how much you knew about her, there was a connection for you. It seems as though it was quite deep, and how you are reacting to her death seems natural enough. I'm weird about death, too. I don't ever cry about it - not even if it's someone close. Sometimes, years later, it finally hits me and I cry hard for a few hours, but for the most part, it's pushed to the back of my head. I often wonder if it's my perception of death that initiates such a reaction, but always conclude that I'm a heartless one. So, I guess in place of crying/feeling sad for a period of time or pushing it to the back of your head, you subconsciously or consciously revisit memories.

12-26-2009, 11:10 PM	#6 (permalink)
~~Farfisa~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2,773	I've had a few friends die on me, it's pretty strange thinking about it. It's frightening for me, knowing that this person I once knew is no longer here and I'll never see them again but, like you I've never cried for any friend of mine that has passed on. One of my friends still has their myspace profile still up and we drop by and say a few things for him but, I'd feel better if it was taken down.I'm a cynical person, but I hate talking about death.

12-27-2009, 04:42 AM	#8 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	When we lose someone it's only natural to try and make some form of contact with that person. It seems you're doing it with the only thing available. Thinking about someone over a long period of time as you've done over the years isn't really any different from seeing that person on a regular basis in the flesh. Both remain in your consciousness just the same. The knowledge of her death has saddened your memories, but you shouldn't allow this to tar them. Remembering a person as you remembered them is the only way to pay any justice to anothers memory. In the long term, the inclusion of sadness is nothing less than unfair to that individual. You ask for advice. Next time you look up her pics on Facebook...smile.