What are you Writing now?

Trollheart · 05-09-2018, 02:54 PM

The Travelling Horror Show

Ah. After the brilliance of the first story, this came as a serious disappointment. The descriptive stuff was very good, the idea of evoking memories that may or may not be implanted, but I'm sorry, I just didn't get it. I assume that was his dad coming up out of the lino, maybe to punish or abuse him (the belt?) but I'm really not sure. The whole idea for me, lost. The ending, very disappointing and I couldn't even call it ambiguous. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand anything of it. Maybe again it's me, but I like my stories (both the ones I read and the ones I write) to have a point, often a twist, a revelation at the end. Not all stories do, of course, but the ones that don't, to me, go anywhere at the end always leave me feeling cheated. I'm feeling cheated.

Sorry, this one only gets a 4/10, and that's only because I have to acknowledge your use of imagery and pacing, but for content there's nothing here for me.

Oriphiel · 05-09-2018, 04:05 PM

Aw, that's like my favorite one. Only story that ever got me a personalized rejection from a lit mag.

But hey, fair enough. I indeed knocked back a few glasses of ambiguity when I wrote it, and it's pretty scattered. Still, it's also pretty much the only story where I tried (and failed, I guess) to give the reader a strong personal message, namely about drawing inspiration from your fears and traumas and turning them into something creative. Usually, I just go hard for entertainment.

Btw, I've gotta warn you, you're gonna probably hate the non-linear nonsense of Sunset Eyes. I'm expecting you to give it a 1/10.

**Frownland** · 05-09-2018, 04:16 PM

Just close it with a nifty "and that's why you always leave a note."

Oriphiel · 05-09-2018, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frownland

Just close it with a nifty "and that's why you always leave a note."

And the note says "Buy war bonds."

Btw, I'm personally a big fan of "and that's how Christmas was saved."

Trollheart · 05-09-2018, 05:04 PM

The Doll/Their Little Guardian

OH **** ME YES! Now we are back on track! ****ing excellent in every way. Love the switching between the first-person narrative and the family/child's view, the story slowly building up within the main story, the big twists and surprises, the characters, the settings, and THE ****ING ENDING!

Absolutely ****ing top class man! 10/10. I'd give it higher if I could.
**** it! 20/10!!

Oriphiel · 05-09-2018, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

The Doll/Their Little Guardian

OH **** ME YES! Now we are back on track! ****ing excellent in every way. Love the switching between the first-person narrative and the family/child's view, the story slowly building up within the main story, the big twists and surprises, the characters, the settings, and THE ****ING ENDING!

Absolutely ****ing top class man! 10/10. I'd give it higher if I could.
**** it! 20/10!!

Oh shit, thanks! 20/10 is high praise.

Fun fact: I based it off of a real Japanese doll that my dad bought when I was a kid, complete with the head that would randomly fall off. Used to scare the shit out of me. I actually still have it. Took it with me when I moved out, and never had the heart to get rid of it.

Trollheart · 05-09-2018, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Oh shit, thanks! 20/10 is high praise.

Fun fact: I based it off of a real Japanese doll that my dad bought when I was a kid, complete with the head that would randomly fall off. Used to scare the shit out of me. I actually still have it. Took it with me when I moved out, and never had the heart to get rid of it.

Why the hell didn't you submit that one? Any editor would snap that up! Looking forward to reading the next one now.

Oriphiel · 05-09-2018, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Why the hell didn't you submit that one? Any editor would snap that up! Looking forward to reading the next one now.

Well, it used to be my least favorite story. I wrote both it and The Travelling Horror Story one morning at like 3:00 A.M. and it came out as a total mess filled with tired Ori typos. I shelved it, and it was only recently that I dove back in and edited the shit out of it, adding a bunch of details and giving it a new ending.

Trollheart · 05-10-2018, 10:06 AM

Yeah I know what you mean. I discovered one I wrote like maybe ten years ago or more now, about a kid dying in hospital. The original ending was not only **** but totally predictable. The new one may be too, but I've beefed it up a little so I think it makes the story a bit less obvious.

It's "Sunset Eyes" next. I'll be back with my thoughts after these messages...

Hey you! Ever wanted to play a guitar but found it too much work? Sign up for Frownland's Play Guitar in a Day course. Disclaimer: much of the music you will end up being able to play will not technically be recognisable as music at all. No jazz haters please.

I used to be fat until I tried The Batlord's Burger King diet. Now, well, I'm still fat but I don't give a ****! Try it for yourself, and remember our promise: if you don't lose twenty pounds in two weeks, go **** yourself!

Hate sports? Send a cheque for all you can now to the Committee for the Advancement of Sports Haters. You might have some trouble writing all that on your cheque so perhaps use the abbreviation: CASH. Send to Janzoon care of....

Trollheart · 05-11-2018, 02:52 PM

Sunset Eyes

All right, this was a cyberpunk thing, wasn't it? I'm not great with them. I couldn't follow this. Some enhanced rogue cyborg or something, but I really don't know what the story was supposed to be. It was extremely well written, in I'd say a kind of Philip K Dick way, but the idea that you were kind of supposed to know everything that was being spoken about, and that nothing was adequately explained, left me a little lost. The ending was odd, too, though I had sort of gathered by the last few pages that it was not going to end with any sort of real resolution.

Well written, great imagery but the story plotline is something I found next to impossible to follow. Still, I'll give it a decent 6/10

Edit: All right, the next one has SIXTY-SEVEN pages. Don't expect a report for a few days.

05-09-2018, 02:54 PM	#661 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	*The Travelling Horror Show* Ah. After the brilliance of the first story, this came as a serious disappointment. The descriptive stuff was very good, the idea of evoking memories that may or may not be implanted, but I'm sorry, I just didn't get it. I assume that was his dad coming up out of the lino, maybe to punish or abuse him (the belt?) but I'm really not sure. The whole idea for me, lost. The ending, very disappointing and I couldn't even call it ambiguous. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't understand anything of it. Maybe again it's me, but I like my stories (both the ones I read and the ones I write) to have a point, often a twist, a revelation at the end. Not all stories do, of course, but the ones that don't, to me, go anywhere at the end always leave me feeling cheated. I'm feeling cheated. Sorry, this one only gets a 4/10, and that's only because I have to acknowledge your use of imagery and pacing, but for content there's nothing here for me. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-09-2018, 04:05 PM	#662 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,354	Aw, that's like my favorite one. Only story that ever got me a personalized rejection from a lit mag. But hey, fair enough. I indeed knocked back a few glasses of ambiguity when I wrote it, and it's pretty scattered. Still, it's also pretty much the only story where I tried (and failed, I guess) to give the reader a strong personal message, namely about drawing inspiration from your fears and traumas and turning them into something creative. Usually, I just go hard for entertainment. Btw, I've gotta warn you, you're gonna probably hate the non-linear nonsense of Sunset Eyes. I'm expecting you to give it a 1/10. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------

05-09-2018, 04:16 PM	#663 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,541	Just close it with a nifty "and that's why you always leave a note." __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

05-09-2018, 05:04 PM	#665 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	*The Doll/Their Little Guardian* OH ** ME YES! Now we are back on track! ing excellent in every way. Love the switching between the first-person narrative and the family/child's view, the story slowly building up within the main story, the big twists and surprises, the characters, the settings, and THE ING ENDING! Absolutely ing top class man! 10/10. I'd give it higher if I could. ** it! 20/10!! __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-10-2018, 10:06 AM	#669 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	Yeah I know what you mean. I discovered one I wrote like maybe ten years ago or more now, about a kid dying in hospital. The original ending was not only ** but totally predictable. The new one may be too, but I've beefed it up a little so I think it makes the story a bit less obvious. It's "Sunset Eyes" next. I'll be back with my thoughts after these messages... Hey you! Ever wanted to play a guitar but found it too much work? Sign up for Frownland's Play Guitar in a Day course. Disclaimer: much of the music you will end up being able to play will not technically be recognisable as music at all. No jazz haters please. I used to be fat until I tried The Batlord's Burger King diet. Now, well, I'm still fat but I don't give a ! Try it for yourself, and remember our promise: if you don't lose twenty pounds in two weeks, go ** yourself! Hate sports? Send a cheque for all you can now to the Committee for the Advancement of Sports Haters. You might have some trouble writing all that on your cheque so perhaps use the abbreviation: CASH. Send to Janzoon care of.... __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-11-2018, 02:52 PM	#670 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,996	*Sunset Eyes* All right, this was a cyberpunk thing, wasn't it? I'm not great with them. I couldn't follow this. Some enhanced rogue cyborg or something, but I really don't know what the story was supposed to be. It was extremely well written, in I'd say a kind of Philip K Dick way, but the idea that you were kind of supposed to know everything that was being spoken about, and that nothing was adequately explained, left me a little lost. The ending was odd, too, though I had sort of gathered by the last few pages that it was not going to end with any sort of real resolution. Well written, great imagery but the story plotline is something I found next to impossible to follow. Still, I'll give it a decent 6/10 Edit: All right, the next one has SIXTY-SEVEN pages. Don't expect a report for a few days. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018