What are you Writing now?

VEGANGELICA · 10-24-2009, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeggieLover

K here's my personal essay... its very much personal so please criticize the writing itself and not so much the content...thx!
Anyone who says to you “I am complete,” is lying. On the private stage of my life, I like to consider myself a profound person, sometimes to the point of inflating my head so I can barely fit through the door. I am not a haughty person by any means, but I’m still learning that people have more to teach me than I could ever possibly share with them. I want to learn in the big wide world, somewhere beyond the small town environment I grew up in. I’m rearing to go, and it takes constant reminding that I’m only sixteen and have a ways to grow yet.
About a week past, my step-dad had a conversation with me. I listened, but it was hard to hear what he had to say. In all the years that I’ve been growing personally, making bounds forward and often falling back, I have neglected one of the biggest parts of self – nay! the root of self. I’ve spent so many hours and stained diary pages trying to figure out who I am independent of family that I’m beginning to get a bruised forehead from running into that very obvious, but very hard to acknowledge, brick wall. After all, who can fail to see how much I resemble my dad, in my habits, speech and appearance? When he died, I delved unto myself a bigger blow than my frame could handle. I lost not only a father, but a family as well.

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.”
-Jim Rohn

Dear VeggieLover,

I was so focused on the content of your essay (especially the lines in bold above), encased within the buried-alive metaphor, that I didn't focus very much on the method you used to express your realization that self-analysis has distracted you from seeing the loving family relationships and friendships that are all around you and part of you, waiting to help release you from self-captivity.

There were several moments, though, when word choices made me think about the words more than their meaning (and I would prefer to think just about the meaning rather than be distracted by noticing the words, if that makes sense):

Quote:

I’m rearing to go

I so strongly think of horses rearing that this image takes over in my mind, even though I know you are expressing, through use of "rearing," that you want to break free and take off with your life.

Quote:

the loins of my heart are gathering themselves for a long, and likely painful, journey

The mixed metaphor (a heart does not have loins, and do loins gather themselves?) made me pause and think about what you meant longer than I would like to. I would prefer the meaning to be stated more directly.

I know you like metaphors and poetry and so I see you using both in your writing. Sometimes I feel the essay would benefit by having fewer metaphors, especially when some of them are common, such as "on the stage of my private life" (life is a stage being the old Shakespeare metaphor) and, "I’ve scabbed my knees too many times to give up learning to ride the bike" (a scabbed knee being a common metaphor for the psychological wounds caused by trying to learn some important task in life).

Occasionally your sentences are worded to give a theatrical effect, yet this makes the feelings expressed seem more public rather than private...more showy than perhaps they are when they are felt? Examples:

Quote:

To you, oh fellow band members, I give my infinite thanks!

This could be simplified to: "Fellow band members, I give you my deepest thanks."

Quote:

In all the years that I’ve been growing personally, making bounds forward and often falling back, I have neglected one of the biggest parts of self – nay! the root of self.

I feel that using "in fact" rather than "nay!" would make this sentence, and the realization that the root of your self *is* your family (for you are the flesh of your father and your mother), less theatrical...although perhaps that is the effect you wish the essay to have.

I enjoyed reading your essay very much. The buried alive metaphor was a successful attention-grabber, I feel. It did make me expect the essay to be about a fictional horror film, so I was surprised that the opening fictional sentences led to a personal non-fiction account of your experiences. I felt your use of fiction to help explain reality was interesting.

--Veg

VeggieLover · 10-29-2009, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Dear VeggieLover,

I was so focused on the content of your essay (especially the lines in bold above), encased within the buried-alive metaphor, that I didn't focus very much on the method you used to express your realization that self-analysis has distracted you from seeing the loving family relationships and friendships that are all around you and part of you, waiting to help release you from self-captivity.

There were several moments, though, when word choices made me think about the words more than their meaning (and I would prefer to think just about the meaning rather than be distracted by noticing the words, if that makes sense):

I so strongly think of horses rearing that this image takes over in my mind, even though I know you are expressing, through use of "rearing," that you want to break free and take off with your life.

The mixed metaphor (a heart does not have loins, and do loins gather themselves?) made me pause and think about what you meant longer than I would like to. I would prefer the meaning to be stated more directly.

I know you like metaphors and poetry and so I see you using both in your writing. Sometimes I feel the essay would benefit by having fewer metaphors, especially when some of them are common, such as "on the stage of my private life" (life is a stage being the old Shakespeare metaphor) and, "I’ve scabbed my knees too many times to give up learning to ride the bike" (a scabbed knee being a common metaphor for the psychological wounds caused by trying to learn some important task in life).

Occasionally your sentences are worded to give a theatrical effect, yet this makes the feelings expressed seem more public rather than private...more showy than perhaps they are when they are felt? Examples:

This could be simplified to: "Fellow band members, I give you my deepest thanks."

I feel that using "in fact" rather than "nay!" would make this sentence, and the realization that the root of your self *is* your family (for you are the flesh of your father and your mother), less theatrical...although perhaps that is the effect you wish the essay to have.

I enjoyed reading your essay very much. The buried alive metaphor was a successful attention-grabber, I feel. It did make me expect the essay to be about a fictional horror film, so I was surprised that the opening fictional sentences led to a personal non-fiction account of your experiences. I felt your use of fiction to help explain reality was interesting.

--Veg

When i logged in and saw that you had commented on my writing I was very glad... you always give the best critiques and i really feel that you help me to improve my writing. Let me start off by saying, yes, I do really enjoy the nuances of the written language and as such tend to be a little wordy and use older type phrases and sentence structures. When it becomes distracting, it is my style not being finished.

However, I did intend a theatrical effect, especially in my expostulation to my fellow band members. We were, after all, performers. Same with "nay," i feel it not only adds my personal voice (which tends to get a bit dramatic at times) but also emphasizes the point of my epiphany, if thats what you wish to call it. However, the essay is serious and personal, does this kind of voice create and unpleasant contradiction of tone?

The metaphors, and my over-use of them, is much needed advice. The skinned knee metaphor was actually an allusion to one of my memories of me and my dad, he taught me to ride a bike. But there is no way for a reader to know that.... i think maybe I could find another way to say what i mean while still avoiding the obvious way of saying it.
The stage of my heart was meant to add to the dramatic aspect of my voice, and the fact that i've always kind of felt like I was wearing a mask and putting on an act for my family, in some sense in order to protect them. Now, im starting to take off that mask. Is the cliche quality of this section overpowering to the meaning behind it?

Now for the problematic "gathering the loins of my heart" sentence :O
What I meant was more "girding my loins" as in preparing for a journey. by setting this language (which i first read in A Pilgrims Progress btw) in my heart, i am preparing not for a physical journey but an emotional one. By changing that one word ( gathering to girding) do I fix the problems of the sentence?

Thank you so much for your help. I am going to edit my original post of the essay, so please feel free to re-read it and let me know if i improved it.

VeggieLover · 10-29-2009, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malicious Wakizashi

Let me know what you think of this

Fichte's presupposition that “if the I itself is to be, in turn, an object of our consciousness, then a Not-I must be posited,” is religious because he affirms a transcendent reality.

Transcendental idealism supposes a 'first action' of positing a state of repose, which is presented as a series of actions; none other than power. Subjective intentionality and the law of reflection underlie the personal aspects of an experience of inactivity leading to experience of the I. Fichte's transition of activity to determinable activity moves concept to intuition. Fichte strides with faith supposing absolute freedom for the grounds of the transition. Fichte's ideal activity is false in that nothing exists for the I thanks to ideal activity; ideal activity and I are subjectively cultivated from nothing, neither can exist as a determined concept.

Hmmm... partly it was just really hard for me to read just because of the subject matter...but mostly the sentence structure just didn't do it for me. I mean that it seems like a rather typical "this is this because" type paragraph, the kind you might be forced to write for a class and which it is blatently obvious that you struggled to write. For this reason, despite the advanced vocabulary, it seemed rather low level writing to me. especially that first sentence: "is religious because" just kind of made me shudder. It definitely has potential, but maybe practice writing with passion things that you aren't quite so passionate about. It will probably improve your writing tenfold.

Malicious Wakizashi · 10-29-2009, 06:20 PM

MuaHaHaHaHaaa

VeggieLover · 10-29-2009, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malicious Wakizashi

MuaHaHaHaHaaa

you're quite welcome

Malicious Wakizashi · 10-29-2009, 07:48 PM

I edited it. What sayest thou, lover of legumes?

VeggieLover · 10-30-2009, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malicious Wakizashi

How does the law of reflection relate to Sartre's concept of Anguish?
Is Fichte's freedom an objective freedom or does he suppose it so?
Are truth and freedom interchangeable?
Is transcendental idealism certain?
Does transcendental idealism suppose that we retain impressions of representations of things-in-themselves? In other words does it suppose their existence?
What exactly does Fichte mean by intuition?
Does Fichte suppose that I am somehow different than my object?
Does the ability to lobotomize or place another in a coma refute Fichte's principals of absolute freedom, of I as consciousness, acting freely.
Consciousness is a function of consciousness. Absurd proposal?
Can we know that of which consciousness is a function? Though we cannot know to what we are connected, can we feel connected?
I is not I; it means nothing, it is Tathata, da-da, or Dadaism. Conversely, "I am I." And I and I think thats just right, Jah.
The grounds zijn er niet; they are not there, one must have faith in a Self beyond the ego and give in to it or have one's tongue tied extrapolating the grounds.

Much better :P and im not being fececious either. Of course if you turned that in you would fail...why? because you haven't actually answered or attempted to answer anything. Whether or not it actually makes sense...well i wouldn't know considering i know nothing of Fichte or anything you are really talking about in there. HOWEVER, despite your attempt at lovely sarcasm by editing your work into such a ridiculous hippy-fied overly voiced piece of musing, you have actually succeeded in something more closely resembeling higher level thinking, which is good. Obviously your passion, at least for the present, is seated at a cynicality towards....well im not exactly sure, but the point is, when you write with a purpose and with a passion (even if that passion is to make a fool of me, which is fine) your writing WILL improve. Brava.

Malicious Wakizashi · 10-30-2009, 05:08 AM

if i'm cynical it's because i'm ethically narrow

VeggieLover · 10-30-2009, 07:47 AM

Then write about it, if its decent we'll talk.

NumberNineDream · 10-30-2009, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeggieLover

Then write about it, if its decent we'll talk.

He's just provoking you so you would say he's the best writer that ever lived. I don't think "decent" is possible with this guy.

10-29-2009, 06:20 PM	#64 (permalink)
Malicious Wakizashi Music Addict Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 203	MuaHaHaHaHaaa __________________ . ..a love sour ... ..a diesel supreme http://soundcloud.com/stoondtje-jupiter http://soundcloud.com/couldnthaveaparadesoimad

10-29-2009, 07:48 PM	#66 (permalink)
Malicious Wakizashi Music Addict Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 203	I edited it. What sayest thou, lover of legumes? __________________ . ..a love sour ... ..a diesel supreme http://soundcloud.com/stoondtje-jupiter http://soundcloud.com/couldnthaveaparadesoimad

10-30-2009, 05:08 AM	#68 (permalink)
Malicious Wakizashi Music Addict Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 203	if i'm cynical it's because i'm ethically narrow __________________ . ..a love sour ... ..a diesel supreme http://soundcloud.com/stoondtje-jupiter http://soundcloud.com/couldnthaveaparadesoimad Last edited by Malicious Wakizashi; 11-04-2009 at 01:18 AM.

10-30-2009, 07:47 AM	#69 (permalink)
VeggieLover Music?! Lets boogie! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: CO Posts: 215	Then write about it, if its decent we'll talk. __________________ "Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."