What are you Writing now?

Trollheart · 05-04-2018, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Hey TH, how do you want me to send them? Is e-mail okay?

Yeah they're only docs aren't they? So they can't be that large. Or you can Google Drive if you want. I don't mind. Just don't PM them - my inbox would explode!

What sort of timescale do you want before response? Are you waiting to try to publish? Do you want like, notes or anything, changes, corrections, criticism (constructive of course) or just my impressions on what you wrote?

Oriphiel · 05-04-2018, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Yeah they're only docs aren't they? So they can't be that large. Or you can Google Drive if you want. I don't mind. Just don't PM them - my inbox would explode!

What sort of timescale do you want before response? Are you waiting to try to publish? Do you want like, notes or anything, changes, corrections, criticism (constructive of course) or just my impressions on what you wrote?

No timescale. Just whenever. At this point, I've caught most of the typos and grammatical errors, so I'm mostly looking for raw criticism. Be brutal. Tell me if you think a story of mine is shit. But yeah, if you spot an error, please beat me over the head with it.

Yeah, they're just MS Word docs. PM me your e-mail address and I'll send them. I've never used Google Drive before, so if I sent them that way, you'd have to walk me through it.

Trollheart · 05-08-2018, 10:54 AM

Hey Ors! Look what I found...

Lulu Corporate Profile

Trollheart · 05-08-2018, 02:13 PM

Stowaways

This was the first I read, simply because it was the first file in the list. Obviously I'll leave the novel till last.

First thoughts: you should give up writing and never pick up a pen or mouse again, otherwise I may never have a chance to become a writer myself.

Seriously: great stuff. I love that "everyman" sort of story, where events are set in the real world, the kind of thing that could happen to you. The pacing is really good on it, and the characters are well drawn. I like the kind of no-explanation ending, though to be perfectly honest I was a little let down with the final lines: just felt wrong to me, left me feeling a little cheated. But that's just me of course.

I was initially surprised to see that this short story read as 56 pages on Google Docs, but then I saw you use double-spacing, which I don't, and so in essence your story would be about the same length as my own (around the 70,000 character mark, right?) - short stories, huh?

I think the only even slightly negative things I have to say are as above about the ending and also the title. I mean, when you know what they are, sure, it works, but I can't see why they were called this by the staff when they thought they were just vagrants. Other than that, pretty much top marks. Well written, well paced, nice bit of acerbic humour and good exposition. I'd give it a 9/10 personally.

Trollheart · 05-08-2018, 03:12 PM

Some more points that have occurred to me:

1. The rat droppings (pellets) - what had they to do with it? You went quite a lot out of your way to draw attention to them, but why? I don't see how they fit in.

2. The dolls - what were they? The remains of the humans left after these guys had sucked their essence dry? And what did she mean that they weren't making one for Chuck or his wife? What did that signify? Maybe it was me, but the idea here didn't seem very clear.

Oriphiel · 05-08-2018, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Stowaways

This was the first I read, simply because it was the first file in the list. Obviously I'll leave the novel till last.

First thoughts: you should give up writing and never pick up a pen or mouse again, otherwise I may never have a chance to become a writer myself.

Seriously: great stuff. I love that "everyman" sort of story, where events are set in the real world, the kind of thing that could happen to you. The pacing is really good on it, and the characters are well drawn. I like the kind of no-explanation ending, though to be perfectly honest I was a little let down with the final lines: just felt wrong to me, left me feeling a little cheated. But that's just me of course.

I was initially surprised to see that this short story read as 56 pages on Google Docs, but then I saw you use double-spacing, which I don't, and so in essence your story would be about the same length as my own (around the 70,000 character mark, right?) - short stories, huh?

I think the only even slightly negative things I have to say are as above about the ending and also the title. I mean, when you know what they are, sure, it works, but I can't see why they were called this by the staff when they thought they were just vagrants. Other than that, pretty much top marks. Well written, well paced, nice bit of acerbic humour and good exposition. I'd give it a 9/10 personally.

Wow, thanks! Wasn't expecting you to like it so much. Yeah, sorry about the double spacing. Final draft is still in the fancy manuscript format from when I sent it to a lit mag.

Honestly, I pretty much wrote it in one hazy sitting, and by the time I got to the end, I was so fucking tired that I just kinda fell asleep even though I wasn't so sure about the ending. When I woke up and edited the story, I actually sort of liked it, so I kept it pretty much how it was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

Some more points that have occurred to me:

1. The rat droppings (pellets) - what had they to do with it? You went quite a lot out of your way to draw attention to them, but why? I don't see how they fit in.

2. The dolls - what were they? The remains of the humans left after these guys had sucked their essence dry? And what did she mean that they weren't making one for Chuck or his wife? What did that signify? Maybe it was me, but the idea here didn't seem very clear.

Rat droppings were sort of a lead in to the possibility of stowaways hiding out after dark and chucking wrappers around. Which, in a way, was what actually happened. Only, the antagonists in the sealed off section were the ones leaving food out.

As for the dolls, what they are and what they're used for, it wouldn't be as much fun if I just told you.

Trollheart · 05-08-2018, 05:55 PM

OK but if the story is ended (is it? Or is there a sequel? That is the end, isn't it?) how will I ever find out?

One more thing (sorry but you said to be brutal): when Chuck uses the phrase (and it's a great one, don't get me wrong) "a reflection of a smile", isn't this something very, well, flowery and literate for him to say, especially as a) he's scared b) he's wounded and most importantly c) he already admits he "ain't no Shakespeare"? Just felt, really forced and out of place. Personally, I would have taken that for the title but that's of course your call.

I'll read the next one tomorrow and hopefully have my thoughts for you on it then. Good stuff. Did you check that link? Look any use?

Oriphiel · 05-08-2018, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

OK but if the story is ended (is it? Or is there a sequel? That is the end, isn't it?) how will I ever find out?

One more thing (sorry but you said to be brutal): when Chuck uses the phrase (and it's a great one, don't get me wrong) "a reflection of a smile", isn't this something very, well, flowery and literate for him to say, especially as a) he's scared b) he's wounded and most importantly c) he already admits he "ain't no Shakespeare"? Just felt, really forced and out of place. Personally, I would have taken that for the title but that's of course your call.

I'll read the next one tomorrow and hopefully have my thoughts for you on it then. Good stuff. Did you check that link? Look any use?

Give me more brutality. I LOVE IT.

He thought he was about to die, and wanted to piss them off before he went. So he hit them where he thought it would hurt. Even an old rent-a-cop can get a good word in every now and then. But yeah, maybe it was a bit much. I actually remember deleting and starting over that whole scene a few times as I was writing it 'cause it just didn't feel right. What I ended up with was what finally felt right to me, even if it was strange for him to be so well spoken in that moment.

Nah, there's no sequel. Truth is, I left the dolls open ended on purpose. Thought it would be more fun if I let the audience decide what they were. Although, there is a story later on that features a doll... *evil laughter*

Yeah, I just checked the link. Seems cool. Amazon also has a self-publishing system like that. I haven't ever actually tried to publish a book before, so I can't really say much on the subject.

Trollheart · 05-08-2018, 06:49 PM

Yeah I get you. I guess it's like in my story you're left asking "but who is actually coming?" But you had gone to so much trouble to describe the dolls, I have to say I felt a little cheated when they weren't, if not explained, at least hinted at. Had it been real sci-fi/horror (not sure which genre you intended it to be) I would have said those WERE the victims, all shrunk down (they didn't make a little red jacket for Mick; that WAS him) and then ok. But I really can't think of anything other than that it was their essence distilled down into the dolls, all the "stowaways" didn't need, all that was left behind.

Also, and again this is just a suggestion, well kind of a question too: would it be true to say that the creatures were stowing away in the bodies of the people, or had they just duplicated the - oh wait. You already said they were doubles. Hmm.

Yeah I might try that site. Doesn't say anything about price though. I'd love to get something published.

Had this idea: a YouTube video with just words, the first few lines/paragraphs from a story and then a link to show you where you can download/buy the whole thing. Wonder if that would work for us unknown would-be writers?

(Copyright Trollheart MMXVIII)

Oriphiel · 05-08-2018, 07:07 PM

Or you could do video reviews of books you've read, movies you've watched, etc., and leave links for your own work in the description. Might do well, might not. With Youtube, you never know.

05-08-2018, 10:54 AM	#653 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,994	Hey Ors! Look what I found... Lulu Corporate Profile __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-08-2018, 02:13 PM	#654 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,994	*Stowaways* This was the first I read, simply because it was the first file in the list. Obviously I'll leave the novel till last. First thoughts: you should give up writing and never pick up a pen or mouse again, otherwise I may never have a chance to become a writer myself. Seriously: great stuff. I love that "everyman" sort of story, where events are set in the real world, the kind of thing that could happen to you. The pacing is really good on it, and the characters are well drawn. I like the kind of no-explanation ending, though to be perfectly honest I was a little let down with the final lines: just felt wrong to me, left me feeling a little cheated. But that's just me of course. I was initially surprised to see that this short story read as 56 pages on Google Docs, but then I saw you use double-spacing, which I don't, and so in essence your story would be about the same length as my own (around the 70,000 character mark, right?) - short stories, huh? I think the only even slightly negative things I have to say are as above about the ending and also the title. I mean, when you know what they are, sure, it works, but I can't see why they were called this by the staff when they thought they were just vagrants. Other than that, pretty much top marks. Well written, well paced, nice bit of acerbic humour and good exposition. I'd give it a 9/10 personally. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-08-2018, 03:12 PM	#655 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,994	Some more points that have occurred to me: 1. The rat droppings (pellets) - what had they to do with it? You went quite a lot out of your way to draw attention to them, but why? I don't see how they fit in. 2. The dolls - what were they? The remains of the humans left after these guys had sucked their essence dry? And what did she mean that they weren't making one for Chuck or his wife? What did that signify? Maybe it was me, but the idea here didn't seem very clear. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-08-2018, 05:55 PM	#657 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,994	OK but if the story is ended (is it? Or is there a sequel? That is the end, isn't it?) how will I ever find out? One more thing (sorry but you said to be brutal): when Chuck uses the phrase (and it's a great one, don't get me wrong) "a reflection of a smile", isn't this something very, well, flowery and literate for him to say, especially as a) he's scared b) he's wounded and most importantly c) he already admits he "ain't no Shakespeare"? Just felt, really forced and out of place. Personally, I would have taken that for the title but that's of course your call. I'll read the next one tomorrow and hopefully have my thoughts for you on it then. Good stuff. Did you check that link? Look any use? __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-08-2018, 06:49 PM	#659 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,994	Yeah I get you. I guess it's like in my story you're left asking "but who is actually coming?" But you had gone to so much trouble to describe the dolls, I have to say I felt a little cheated when they weren't, if not explained, at least hinted at. Had it been real sci-fi/horror (not sure which genre you intended it to be) I would have said those WERE the victims, all shrunk down (they didn't make a little red jacket for Mick; that WAS him) and then ok. But I really can't think of anything other than that it was their essence distilled down into the dolls, all the "stowaways" didn't need, all that was left behind. Also, and again this is just a suggestion, well kind of a question too: would it be true to say that the creatures were stowing away in the bodies of the people, or had they just duplicated the - oh wait. You already said they were doubles. Hmm. Yeah I might try that site. Doesn't say anything about price though. I'd love to get something published. Had this idea: a YouTube video with just words, the first few lines/paragraphs from a story and then a link to show you where you can download/buy the whole thing. Wonder if that would work for us unknown would-be writers? (Copyright Trollheart MMXVIII) __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

05-08-2018, 07:07 PM	#660 (permalink)
Oriphiel Ask me how! Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The States Posts: 5,354	Or you could do video reviews of books you've read, movies you've watched, etc., and leave links for your own work in the description. Might do well, might not. With Youtube, you never know. __________________ ---------------------- \|---Mic's Albums---\| ---------------------- ----------------------------- \|---Deafbox Industries---\| -----------------------------