I walked ten thousand miles carrying you on my back,
My feet bare and bleeding as the glass cut them to shreds,
Knowing that if I put you down my pain would stop
And I could attend to my wounds.
But though you weighed heavily on my heart and my soul
It was a burden I welcomed; I even welcomed the pain --
Every sharp stab and sliver of glass reminding me
That I was saving you from enduring the same;
And happy to take your pain, to save your heart
Though my own cried out piteously for rest.

Love endures any hardship, faces any challenge
Even if there seems no reward at the end.
Love survives and persists like a spring shoot at dead of winter,
Doggedly holding up its head to the sun, waiting for summer,
Waiting for the first gentle kiss of a spring breeze,
Waiting for the ice and the snow to melt away,
For the harsh chill to recede and the sun to shine.
I waited through fifteen winters, I watched for the sunshine;
I waited for the warm breeze, prayed for the soft rains,
But spring never arrived.

So I lived in a permanent winter, my face turned towards the sun,
But the sun would not turn its radiant face towards me.
There were times when I foolishly t hought that winter was over,
But it always closed its dark cloak about me
Having teased me with a tantalising glimpse of what could have been
If only the clouds would roll away,
But they never did.
And my love, surviving in the harshest of climes, cried its snowflake tears
And asked why you treated me as you did.
And the wind, sighing in the trees of my loneliness, and the hard stars above me every night
Made no reply.

But love and hope together are a potent force;
And my heart went on, telling me that things would be better, that things would change.
I allowed you so many excuses that I forgot half of them
And ended up blaming myself.
And I thought of the men you had known, who had hurt you so much ---
Knowing that I would never do such a thing
I couldn’t understand why you cared so little for my feelings.
The phone became an enemy, and I dreaded its ringing in case it was you:
And yet I still hoped it would be.
If I rang you, I rehearsed what I had to say, and prayed you would welcome the call.
When you often didn’t, my heart broke in pieces
And once again
I picked up the shattered fragments,
Glued them together,
And added to the growing tally of the hurt I experienced just by loving you.

You were my first thought in the morning and my last at night,
And I always worried that you were okay.
But you never called to ask how I was, not once:
I used to wonder if you cared at all.
I think that perhaps, some years ago, you did,
But you don’t now.
My phone is silent now.

It was the little things that hurt, and that I always excused.
I told myself I was being silly, or had done the wrong thing.
But you changed like the wind --- one day happy to hear from me, the next annoyed:
How can anyone live with that?
I used to live for your phone calls --- a visit from you would be like a birthday present
(One year, it was).
I wanted to hold your hand, put my arm around you, but knew I couldn’t
So I didn’t.
But that wasn’t enough for you.

Some people need to hurt others, especially if they’ve been hurt themselves:
I’m always the one who ends up being hurt.
Yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Because if that’s what you’re like, then I wouldn’t want to be like you.
No blame can be attached to those who are hurt by others;
Only those who cause the hurt can be called responsible.
My heart was your home, if you wanted it, but you’d rather live in a box
That you’ve built and reinforced around yourself
Till at last no-one can get near.
My heart was your home, but I’m foreclosing, and I have no moustache to twirl.

You’ve been a part of my world most of my adult life:
You’ve been my world for that long, but now it’s all come crashing down in flames
And my heart is in Intensive Care, fighting for its life.
But I will survive.
It’ll take a very long time, but eventually I’ll get over you, and reclaim my soul:
It was yours for the taking, but that contract has been broken.
I’ll never see the world again through your eyes, you’ll never see it through mine.
The world I thought we’d share together is a cold and lonely place now
And I take no comfort from the fact that it’s cold and lonely for you too.
Two lonely people don’t necessarily make one content one:
We could have solved that equation, but now it’s too late.
I would have given you the world,
I would have given up the world for you,
But I no longer have the strength to carry your world on my shoulders,
Not when you keep spreading broken glass before me.
I can’t walk any further.
My soul is exhausted.
I need to rest.
My heart is broken.

Darkness has fallen, night has claimed my world,
And yet I can’t deny that I feel a sense of relief,
And I feel guilty about that:
Like waiting for a loved one to die;
It’s selfish
But it’s human nature.
Nobody wants to suffer, nobody wants to be hurt -- we all want those we love to live forever,
And we want our relationships to last through Eternity,
To The End Of Time.
But they very seldom do.
So we walk a tightrope, trying to keep balanced and not daring to look down
For we know that if we do
We will surely fall.

Rain falls often into our lives
But it should pass, not stay above us in our own personal cloud.
And I’ve watched too many times tears from Heaven mirrored in my own eyes;
Raindrops sliding down the window, teardrops sliding down my face
While thunder keeps a counterpoint, echoed in your harsh and uncaring words:
Is it important?
I can’t make it.
You shouldn’t have done that.
Don’t call me honey.
But the worst and most malignant and hurtful voice is that which is silent ---
The telephone that doesn’t ring.
The doorbell that doesn’t chime.
The card that never comes.
The presents gathering dust.
The bank account, greedily and thanklessly swallowing my money.
The promises ---
So many promises
Heartlessly
Thoughtlessly
Callously
Casually broken.

I lived for you ---
I’d have died for you.
But you live only for yourself.
I loved you,
I trusted you,
But you betrayed me.
I needed you.
I thought I needed you.
Now I must make my way without you.
And I will,
Though I fear the prospect, and loathe the idea, though my heart cries against it
And my soul breaks in two.
I’m not your puppet anymore --- you’ve cut the strings:
My heartstrings.
And for a while I’ll lie useless, unable to get up.
But after a time I’ll stand again, and I’ll open eyes long closed,
And I’ll open my heart, too.
Perhaps someone else will see the light in the porch
And come to stay.

I’ve waited for you for hours in the rain, in sick anticipation by the phone,
But you’ve never really been there.
I was always just a convenience, someone or something to use
And abuse.
Since you knew I would only ever treat you with respect and love
It gave you licence to do what you liked with my feelings.
I thought the sun and the moon rose in your eyes,
Believed every word you said,
Lived for every smile, valued every touch (few though they were),
And was always ready to defend you.
A knight in borrowed, ill-fitting armour:
A relic from a byegone age
Which suited perfectly your purpose.

You weren’t there for me in my hour of greatest need, but I was there for you.
I held you in the chapel as you cried ---
I cried alone as I sat in the church with my family.
And even the man I later came to despise on your behalf was there.
But not you.
I didn’t use that excuse --- when you needed me I was there,
Though it broke my heart to see you crying.
You couldn’t do even that for me.
It’s always different when it’s your needs that need to be attended to.

Yes, I would gladly have married you had you asked, just to give you security,
Fully aware that you weren’t in love with me --- I loved you that much.
I thought we’d grow old together, and watch Max grow up.
Now he won’t even know who I am,
The part I played in your life, and his,
Once upon a time.
Cut all the ties, sever all the links, you’re finally on your own
With the one and only man you want in your life
(I knew this to be the case: it was cruel to tell me, but then, your whole letter was cruel,
And anyway, I expressed the sentiment before ever you did).
But how will the world treat you? How will you survive?
I’m sorry:
It’s not my problem or concern anymore.

I dreamed of a life with you, or at least with you at its centre.
I dreamed we would always be friends,
Always there for one another,
(Or, as I now see, I always there for you).
But the dream has turned to nightmare:
No Happily Ever After.
Sleeping Beauty sleeps on, and the prince is still a frog.
The dream
Is broken.

Of course I’ll be blamed for it all, and some blame I do accept,
But not all.
But you will see yourself the innocent party, and I the villain ---
Again, I have no moustache to twirl:
Make of that what you will.
I’ll cry over you, perhaps for a long time --- your photo no longer greets me in the morning
Nor smiles at me at night.
And you’ve been replaced on my computer by a vast, empty, uncaring universe:
I’ve changed all my passwords,
And I’ve padlocked my heart to keep you out,
Though I know you’ve no intention of entering.

Yes, I’ll cry, and I’ll tell myself it’s not true, then realise it is ---
But I won’t allow my world to end,
‘Cos you’re not worth it.
I’ll try to be strong, though I know I’ll falter, but that’s all right ---
You have to hurt to heal.
And if you think you’ve destroyed me, you’re wrong ---
Though I know you don’t even care enough to wish that.
Would I hurt you back, if I could?
No.
Never.
I don’t work that way.
Revenge isn’t my thing, even if it is yours.
Even if I’m being blamed for things I never did.
Even if you’re taking out your frustrations on me.
Even if you don’t realise what you’ve done.

And if you called me to apologise, to explain, would I listen?
Yes.
But could we go back?
No.
You’ve hurt me too badly, too deliberately, too harshly.
Perhaps I’ve hurt you too.
Difference is, in my case it’s not intentional.
In yours, it is.
Too much water under the bridge.
Too much blood in the streets.
Too many tears on my pillow.
Words that can’t be taken back, even if you wanted to.
Words can be weapons, and you’ve used yours to deadly and chilling effect ---
My heart is mortally wounded,
But it won’t die:
I won’t let it,
‘Cos you’re not worth it.

I used to think I was one of the luckiest people on Earth ---
I had a friendship completely unique, that no-one else had.
I suppose I was right, in the end:
For to be able to savage your longtime friend, someone who cared deeply for you,
Someone who loved you,
To bite the hand that fed you
Is truly unique.
But that’s not a relationship I want or need:
I need stability, I need equality and mutual respect in my friends.
Most of all, I need trust:
I’ll never get any of that from you.

So here it ends: after a decade and a half of standing by your side,
Helping you through and taking your part,
Walking that lonely road with you when no-one else would.
You’ve gunned me down: a hit and run as you come screaming out of the night ---
No warning, no reason, no chance, no mercy.
Running from the reasons, running from the things you don’t want to face:
You don’t stop, you don’t even look back as I lie bleeding on the ground,
My world in pieces around me, my eyes filming over as you disappear in the distance:
Who knows how many other innocents you’ll run down as you drive in fear through the night?
With only your memories for company
With only your guilt for company
With only your regrets for company

And I?
I lie here, my back broken, tears in my eyes as I stare up at the stars.
Tears of sorrow, tears of regret, tears of pain and tears of loss.
But tears also of relief
Tears of understanding
Tears of acceptance
Because, after all this time, after all the hurt and all the fear, all the sorrow and all the grief
After all the loneliness and all the pain, after all the cold nights alone
After all the excuses, all the lies, all the cheating, all the angry silences
After all the broken promises, all the the broken hearts, all the broken dreams
All the broken lives
After all the struggle to understand, after taking the blame for so many years
After the moon has slipped behind the hills and dawn brushes the sky
As the roar of the careening engine of your blind rage fades into the distance
And out of my life
I can finally see the sun, rising on a new day.
The long dark night is over
The cold, unforgiving winter of fifteen years is passing
Warmth is returning to my frozen body
And your tyrannical hold over me is finally
Completely
Forever
Broken.