rubber soul

What can I say? I'm not really a dark writer, but I'll try to get darker for my sequel, The Monster eats the little S*** up.

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Frownland

Be careful, blackface is generally frowned upon in modern times.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Oriphiel

That's only one of the reasons people boo your shows.

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Frownland

One little slip at a tar pit is all it takes to get your ass kicked.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Oriphiel

Got edit ninja'd.

Btw, just shut up and let him borrow your shoe polish already.

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Frownland

The sustained periods of silence are difficult to pull off when they do that. Sucks.

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Trollheart

Man, I hate to do this when you've been so effusive in your praise of my writing, but, um, that was ... pretty bad. It was kind of something that went nowhere. I mean, we all knew there was (probably) a monster under Timmy's bed, but was it like maybe an extension of him? Would it not have been better to send it to Billy's father's, kick the **** out of him, break his hold on the town, then remind the father who he was? The father, remembering blocked memories from his broken childhood, starts breaking down, Billy comes in, see his dad, is disgusted, but knows that with the breakdown of his father and the eventual news of this that will get around, his hold on the school is forever broken....

A little darker, a little less obvious? Maybe.
Sorry: wish I could be more supportive, but, well ... needs work. A lot of work.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

rubber soul

Well, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not a horror writer nor do I want to be. I do have a satire on a visit to Hell but that isn't especially dark either. I'm saving that one because I may try to get that published.

The short story is a rough draft so I wasn't expecting someone to scream classic. I did want the bully to be the antagonist. The father was added as more of a stream of consciousness thought really. I had to have a reason why Billy was getting away with his antics while no one did anything about it. Anyway, different styles for different folks, I guess.

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Trollheart

Sure, but the story was so safe and predictable it could have been a Pixar movie.
Some suggestions:
1) The monster attacks Billy, he kicks the **** out of it, sends it back whimpering under Timmy's bed
2) The monster attacks Billy, who sics his OWN under-the-bed monster on it, so that Timmy's monster is now being bullied
3) The monster attacks Timmy's parents, for not standing up for him or believing him. That could go really dark
4) The monster attacks Timmy, for being such a wuss

Just some ideas.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Oriphiel

5) There was no monster under the bed, it was just Frownland eating donuts in blackface.

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