Strange Lectures you were Given as a Child
 

My mom explaining to me that sex was not just "naked kissing"

Kindergarted teacher explaining to me the properties of matter ("Can a lot of big things fit into one little thing?"-young me referring to my backpack)

Me asking my mom what a lesbian was....She told me it was someone who loved the theatre.


I bet you guys have better ones.

When I was around 10, my stepdad encouraged me to be cautious when masturbaiting because you never know if there are any psychic voyeurs nearby.

Well that explains a lot.......LOL.

What do you mean?

lol, I'm only here to harass the shit out of you.

when i was 8 my mom gave me her version of the "sex talk"


all she told me was "Don't get AIDS"

Well, pick a number and wait your turn.

I have to admit that at one point I thought AIDS was a type of candy....

thats exactly what I thought.

I loved it when my dad gave me the sex talk.

"Now you know about the birds and the bees, right?"
"What about them?"
"Well.. you know about... sex.. right?"
"Birds and Bees DO THAT together!?!?"
"....Just use condoms, yes?"

My grandmother on my stepmothers side once told me that if I didn't brush my teeth before I went to bed ghosts would poke my feet with pins. I just kind of laughed and told her that if she wanted me to brush my teeth you just had to ask. My mum and Dad were always straight up with me growing up, no need to lie about something like that, but my stepmom and her family... man some of the **** that came out their mouths...

My dad told me that the world would end soon and God would rescue all the Christians of the earth. He still says stuff like that. After he is done watching some Bill Maher, I am in for a lecture.

Your dad is a religious nut yet he watches Bill Maher?

My dad is a Calvinist yet he watches it. My family is a bit weird in that way. My dad's side loves to debate and they generally love politics even if it disagrees with their side. I am sort of the same way. I hate CNN a lot yet that is the one news station I like to watch. It gets boring just hearing something from your own view.

My dad also thinks some of his stuff is pretty funny, which Bill Maher is funny.

Also while my dad is religious, he doesn't believe in all the speaking in tongues stuff. He is just a Baptist and sort of self-righteous in that way. He doesn't believe in all the spiritual healings and he hates Christian music. I mean, my dad lets me read Nietzsche, Sartre, and all that stuff despite its atheist roots so he isn't a total cook. Of course, I don't tell him I am an atheist because I expect he will either have a heart attack or keep me from going to a non-religious college. I sort of have to make up religious stances I don't believe in and defend them. According to him, I would be much more of a "liberal" Christian in that I am not against *** marriage or abortion. His whole side of the family pretty much is trying to sway me at every family gathering. My uncle even gave me a book that attacks the Emerging Church, something I don't even claim to follow. My outlook is that helping people is much more important than telling people about Jesus, so to him that is very similar. They were also very offended when my cousin danced at her wedding to "Imagine" by John Lennon. This was her rebellion according to them.

It is really sad, but at the same time my family is really funny like that. It is so weird I just have to laugh.

Living in the south I face similar problems. My family is religious though not to a fanatical level, save a few members. I live with my grandmother, she doesn't go to church but she talks religion a lot, however she knows I'm an agnostic and aside from the occasional end of days scaremongering she doesn't try to convert me to her beliefs.

Just about everyone in my family is however, spectacularly far to the right. One of my aunts is super far right and I've gotten into some bad arguments with her over everything from gay marriage to Iraq to Obama. One time she was drunk and she just flipped the f*ck out and started screaming at me. I now try to avoid any social gatherings where she is involved.

I also used to go to a baptist church, and the people there were real pricks.

Luckily, I don't have to go to a Baptist church too much. I have had to go to a nondenominational church, an Assemblies of God church (the worst), and I am trying to go to a Mennonite church because they are by far the best. They are much more open about everything. They aren't like the Amish looking Mennonites either.

I've been to Baptist, Penticostals, Mormon and Methodist churchs.

The Baptists were by far the worst, almost everyone was pretty much a self righteous, condescending, dismissive douchef*ck. Methodists were nicer but still not my cup of tea.

I used to go to a Penticostal youth church, the people there surprised me, the only thing about them that put me off was the speaking in tongues and gyrations, but other than that I really liked it, they were pretty openminded and liberal, they listened to rock music, talked about girls and didn't dress like the 1950s.

Mormons are swell guys and easy to get along with, but going to a Mormon church was one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life. First off there was the strict dress code, my uncle bought me clothes specifically for the occasion, and I didn't like that bit at all.

There was no preaching at all, just singing a lot of hymms and people taking turns talking about how their week was. It made other churches seem less boring in comparison. :laughing:

Everyone there was friendly though and while conservative they also kept an open mind. I can't say that about the Baptist and Methodist churches I've been to.

Around the age of 8, after being told it was time to go to bed, I decided to fight the power, and refused. After a little debating, I presented the idea that I shouldn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. My father then explained the only thing I have to do is die, and that if I didn't get my ass in bed ASAP, it would be sooner rather than later.

I had been more or less aware of my own mortality at that point, but I hadn't ever really contemplated it. I quickly came to the conclusion that since I didn't recall having cognitive thought or a sense of awareness before birth, I would no longer have them after dying. This upset me greatly for several days.

I went to bed, but I didn't sleep particularly well....

After I declined a girl who wanted sex with me despite her being 'on', I told my dad about it I was 17 and he said 'oh you can't get a girl pregnant when she's on anyhow' :banghead:

Ew, bloody****.....

i always wondered if my mom saw the irony when she would get angry and call me a sonofabitch.

mostly there weren't alot of lectures for me growing up. just plenty of beatings.

My sex talk was about as brief, went something like

old man: you goin' on?

me: yeah, theres a party at joe's.

om: there gunna be girls there?

me: yes...

om: alright well...don't get anyone pregnant, you know?

They never really had to speak to me much because I didn't drink back then and thats apparently the highest of moral virtues. Either way, akward.

You're totally in the minority if you didn't get useful tidbits on the meaning of life while being beaten with your own Converse Allstar.

My sex lecture went as follows:

Dad: "You know what an erection is?"
Me: "yeah..."
Dad: "You're good to go."

/discussion.

I now have strawberry shortcake all over my computer thanks to you.



oh, tumour. Your mom probably told you the theatre thing in response to you asking what a lesbian is because thesbians love the theatre. When I was like 7 my aunt called me a thesbian and I thought she was calling me a lesbian and I cried for like 3 hours.

*thespians

My sex talk from my dad went a little like this:

"I know you like to read so I got you this book. It's about sex, drugs and rock n roll," my dad said as he handed me the What's Happening To My Body Book For Boys, which incidentally was not about drugs or rock n roll sadly.

Holy crap I got that same book, I think I was 12 at the time which I thought was weird cause I had already learned about sex and was regularly looking up porn by the time I was 8.

I remember the first time my dad actually talked to me about pregnancy though, well at least about me being sexually active. He knew I was going to a party and asked me if I brought protection and I said "yes I've got a condom" and I swear to God this is what he said, "No that kind, I mean do you have a coat hanger". He is a very demented man with an incredibly dark sense of humor, something I've inherited.

:rofl:

Yeah I was pretty floored, I mean god damn it's hilarious in a disgustingly dark way, but still.. i was like 16 at the time.

That just made my day.

I know........
Is that the European way to spell Tumor? Cool.

that's the one and only thing i wasn't beaten with. maybe if i had some chucky t's instead of some keds bo-bos i might not be this screwed up right now. :rofl:

my dad had a neat routine. he would make you bend over and grab your ankles. he would crack you behind with a hot wheel track, or a switch, yardstick, belt, whatever. if your knees buckled, or if you cried out, you got 2 more untill you could take one without buckling your knees or crying out.

am i the only one who didn't get mercilessly beaten by their parents?

No you're not alone I suffered the trauma of my parents never beating the **** out of me too. How are we meant to know they care?

Hey me too! What a tragedy.

so traumatic.......

maybe? I just spell things as how I read them in books. I realize now I must have spelled it wrong, sorry.

S'okay. I'm not offended. I'm a cancerous cyst. I have no feelings.

This is a f*cked up conversation, but if you must know, I got it mostly with his hands, hitting, choking, pushing my face into the carpet, and one time he hit me in the head with my english textbook.

That was the time that made me finally tell my teachers......

................................................

Is this turning into a big group of people begging for pity? I want no part of that.......