Does Santa Have A Big Sack? (bling, member, quote, Piano)

jackhammer · 12-23-2008, 04:03 PM

Get your Xmas jokes in. If anyone is offended..tough shit.

Just been out and bought the wife's Christmas present: a bottle of perfume which is called 'ample', and it is a very small bottle indeed.
I just hope she doesn't notice where the 'S' has been scratched off the bottle.

When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager and say, "it's a pity no fucker can play it."

I look forward to Christmas every year, it's the only time I get a real treat. This year I have got hold of some Rohypnol.

The Turkey won't be the only bird getting a good stuffing.

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Bulldog · 12-23-2008, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jackhammer

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

These ones were awesome

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A. Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Piss Me Off · 12-23-2008, 04:20 PM

I've heard they've made a special tampon which has tinsel instead of a string.

It's only for the christmas period.

Akira · 12-23-2008, 04:22 PM

I bought an advent calendar from Woolworth's...the windows were all boarded up and there was nothing inside though.

jackhammer · 12-23-2008, 04:26 PM

Another institution down the swanny

Piss Me Off · 12-23-2008, 04:31 PM

I do fondly remember our lunch-time trips to Woolies to get pick n' mix at school.

R.I.P

Laces Out Dan! · 12-23-2008, 06:08 PM

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
Thats good shit hah

Mojo · 12-23-2008, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bulldog

These ones were awesome

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A. Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Hah. Thats my favourite one.

12-23-2008, 04:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	Get your Xmas jokes in. If anyone is offended..tough shit. Just been out and bought the wife's Christmas present: a bottle of perfume which is called 'ample', and it is a very small bottle indeed. I just hope she doesn't notice where the 'S' has been scratched off the bottle. When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager and say, "it's a pity no fucker can play it." I look forward to Christmas every year, it's the only time I get a real treat. This year I have got hold of some Rohypnol. The Turkey won't be the only bird getting a good stuffing. Things you can only say at Christmas 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in. 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more. __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

12-23-2008, 04:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
Piss Me Off Moodswings n' Roundabouts Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: At the corner of Dude and Catastrophe Posts: 4,512	I've heard they've made a special tampon which has tinsel instead of a string. It's only for the christmas period. __________________ Last FM Rate Yr Music Muxtape

12-23-2008, 04:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	Another institution down the swanny __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

12-23-2008, 04:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
Piss Me Off Moodswings n' Roundabouts Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: At the corner of Dude and Catastrophe Posts: 4,512	I do fondly remember our lunch-time trips to Woolies to get pick n' mix at school. R.I.P __________________ Last FM Rate Yr Music Muxtape

12-23-2008, 06:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." Thats good shit hah __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.