Get your Xmas jokes in. If anyone is offended..tough shit.

Just been out and bought the wife's Christmas present: a bottle of perfume which is called 'ample', and it is a very small bottle indeed.
I just hope she doesn't notice where the 'S' has been scratched off the bottle.

When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager and say, "it's a pity no fucker can play it."

I look forward to Christmas every year, it's the only time I get a real treat. This year I have got hold of some Rohypnol.

The Turkey won't be the only bird getting a good stuffing.

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

These ones were awesome :D

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?
A. Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

I've heard they've made a special tampon which has tinsel instead of a string.

It's only for the christmas period.

I bought an advent calendar from Woolworth's...the windows were all boarded up and there was nothing inside though.

Another institution down the swanny :(

I do fondly remember our lunch-time trips to Woolies to get pick n' mix at school.

R.I.P :(

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
Thats good shit hah

Hah. Thats my favourite one.