Women. (country, effect, member, cover, classic)

jackhammer · 11-08-2008, 10:39 AM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course ..... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Why did the woman cross the road ?
The answer isn't important here.
What is important is why wasn't she at home in the kitchen ?

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 99%. Wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said
"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at Him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

RoemerMW · 11-08-2008, 11:00 AM

Damn straight. Jk lol this is funny

anticipation · 11-08-2008, 01:27 PM

"i said to my wife, "what do you wanna do for our anniversary?"

she said "i wanna go somewhere i've never been before,

i said "try the kitchen"."

har har har.

jackhammer · 11-08-2008, 01:35 PM

That's why women marry in white-it matches the kitchen appliances.

DearJenny · 11-08-2008, 01:53 PM

I am offended, sir!

Haha, no, really, those put a smile on even my face.

Astronomer · 11-09-2008, 05:30 PM

I am the craziest feminista you will EVER encounter, and this kind of stuff makes me fume, but I will refrain from commenting only because 1) I like jackhammer, 2) There is a counter-post on men (although not as degrading) and 3) you will all flame me for taking a joke to seriously.

jackhammer · 11-09-2008, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lateralus

I am the craziest feminista you will EVER encounter, and this kind of stuff makes me fume, but I will refrain from commenting only because 1) I like jackhammer, 2) There is a counter-post on men (although not as degrading) and 3) you will all flame me for taking a joke to seriously.

My counter post was not as good but please feel free to PM some jokes etc and I will redress the balance. I have been a male for 36 years-I know how useless we can be

Double X · 11-09-2008, 06:17 PM

^ haha wow

3rd one is a classic!

Kevorkian Logic · 11-09-2008, 06:43 PM

this made me smile.

Thank you, I needed this.

~~The Unfan~~ · 11-09-2008, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jackhammer

My counter post was not as good but please feel free to PM some jokes etc and I will redress the balance. I have been a male for 36 years-I know how useless we can be

So what about the other 15?

11-08-2008, 10:39 AM	#1 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	Women. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course ..... at least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Why did the woman cross the road ? The answer isn't important here. What is important is why wasn't she at home in the kitchen ? I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 99%. Wedding cake. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at Him and said, "I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

11-08-2008, 11:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
RoemerMW Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Klamath Falls, OR Posts: 452	Damn straight. Jk lol this is funny __________________ My Music Collection

11-08-2008, 01:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	That's why women marry in white-it matches the kitchen appliances. __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

11-08-2008, 01:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	I am offended, sir! Haha, no, really, those put a smile on even my face. __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

11-09-2008, 05:30 PM	#6 (permalink)
Astronomer we are stardust Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 2,894	I am the craziest feminista you will EVER encounter, and this kind of stuff makes me fume, but I will refrain from commenting only because 1) I like jackhammer, 2) There is a counter-post on men (although not as degrading) and 3) you will all flame me for taking a joke to seriously. __________________

11-08-2008, 01:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
anticipation Music Addict Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3,565	"i said to my wife, "what do you wanna do for our anniversary?" she said "i wanna go somewhere i've never been before, i said "try the kitchen"." har har har.

11-09-2008, 06:17 PM	#8 (permalink)
Double X sleepe Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: boston Posts: 1,140	^ haha wow 3rd one is a classic!

11-09-2008, 06:43 PM	#9 (permalink)
Kevorkian Logic Imperfectly Perfect Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,290	this made me smile. Thank you, I needed this. __________________ "it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"