The Bitch Box

~~Odyshape~~ · 01-30-2012, 11:35 PM

My teen brain developing sure has been making me feel as though I have a bipolar disorder. I will try to describe the cycle I frequently experience.

Over the course of the past 2 weeks (usual length of a cycle) I experience absolute mental freedom and experience such a great reprieve from anxiety that I have a genuine feeling that anxiety is something that will not even exist in my life. During this time I experience all of the rewards of having no anxiety like being heavily inspired, having a large capacity to help the people around me, being quite social and fun to be around.

Then seemingly out of no where (I can usually in retrospect see what went wrong given enough time) I wake up one day and all of that is just gone. I struggle to feel even comparably similar and my feeling of liberation and hopefulness take a complete 180 to the point where I feel as though anxiety and depression are taking over my life and I will never get over it. The entire process leaves me feeling horrible and right now I have been making many honest efforts to find the source of the problem. These efforts seem to become a part of the cycle.

One thing I have tried recently that worked to create an extreme high was to be 100% honest with everyone around me. I found I had a bit of a talent of getting people to open up to me and for a short while was able to work on a lot of family problems by doing this as well as building some security for myself. But I took it way to far. I felt as though I had nothing at all to be embarrassed about myself (which is a great lesson) and told the complete truth with EVERY single person, I even called up an ex girlfriend and told her EVERYTHING I ever thought, all the horrible secrets all of that (I don't regret it one bit). I was amazed to notice how when you make everything you say as human as you are how peoples capacity to accept your feelings grow massively. That wasn't a bad thing. It was an extremely important life lesson to me. The problem arises from the fact that I don't really know how to balance it.

I was getting close with every person around me and unloaded on people and they did back and they were really appreciative to have down to earth discussions that were totally meaningful. I thought it was cool that I could be "special" enough to be 100% honest with people and have those conversations with people that they very rarely have almost on command. I was straight up in everything I said and lived on a carefully constructive balance of my impulse and thoughtfulness. I was discussing my problems openly and freely with lots and lots of people and people where back to me. It was making me feel better but I just did it too much to the point where I was becoming emotionally drained and wasn't really truly following my impulse anymore. My impulse was likely telling me to find something else to do other than have intimate conversations but I am the kind of person who tends to latch on to things that work and over do it until they lose their value. This causes me to become quite confused and ultimately further depressed because I am not acknowledging the fact that something that will make me happy one day won't work the same the next day. I suck at adapting.

I talk about impulses a lot because I noticed my reprieve and freedom are a direct result of me taking advantage of my impulse. I am a naturally reflective person so when I am impulsive It balances out my character very nicely and become a person I am SO proud of. Like a self love that goes beyond ego and just becomes complete contentment. But my certain perceptions and expectations of how my impulses work often distort my ability to live up and listen to them. Which makes sense, since following your impulses isn't an intellectual process it is a process in which you do really the opposite : act on how you feel. I get too caught up on a static perception of how my impulse will benefit me and I don't have much of an ability to acknowledge that my impulses change on a day to day basis and it leads me to have self doubt and leaves me totally ashamed of myself. ESPECIALLY by contrast of how I may have felt the day before.

SO I guess this post itself actually makes me feel a little better. I never really took the time to understand my up and down process in something tangible like speaking to some one or writing it down but this is helping. Plus I am not in a super biased mood where I think I do not have a problem or all of my problems are too overwhelming, I am extremely neutral right now.

I guess I just need to understand my impulses better and the only way I can do that is through practice. It makes sense that I am struggling with balance since for a very large portion of my life I have never listened to my impulses very well. Anyway thanks to any person who reads this long ass post it has helped me kind of keep things in perspective some what maybe I am on the right track to figuring this **** out.

Atrocious · 01-31-2012, 06:53 AM

Got a letter in the mail saying I owe the county $760 for past due court costs. It appears they slapped me with a $460 fine after an arrest in '07 and neglected to mention it after I paid up everything else. After five years of fees tagged on they want MOST of my tax return or they're gonna start garnishing my wages. I hate the government. I passionately hate the police and the injustice system. Most of all. I hate money.

**Janszoon** · 01-31-2012, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atrocious

Got a letter in the mail saying I owe the county $760 for past due court costs. It appears they slapped me with a $460 fine after an arrest in '07 and neglected to mention it after I paid up everything else. After five years of fees tagged on they want MOST of my tax return or they're gonna start garnishing my wages. I hate the government. I passionately hate the police and the injustice system. Most of all. I hate money.

What were you arrested for?

~~Rubato~~ · 01-31-2012, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Odyshape

<snip>

You can only wash a car for so long before the water gets dirty, or something to that effect, there's an analogy there somewhere.

Rather than forcing yourself to figure something out, learn to shut off and come back to it with a fresh mind. Just lie on your bed put some music on and forget the world for an hour or two, 9 times out of 10 you'll find you were fretting over nothing, at least that's what I've found.

~~Odyshape~~ · 01-31-2012, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rubato

You can only wash a car for so long before the water gets dirty, or something to that effect, there's an analogy there somewhere.

Rather than forcing yourself to figure something out, learn to shut off and come back to it with a fresh mind. Just lie on your bed put some music on and forget the world for an hour or two, 9 times out of 10 you'll find you were fretting over nothing, at least that's what I've found.

I did in my post. When I wrote that my mind was completely fresh and in a neutral state with a lot of clarity. My problem is deeply seeded in my lack of experience so essentially all I can do is prod myself to try new things. I think speaking openly about my problems is one thing though that is going to benefit me in the long run once I learn to not over do it. It lets you keep things in perspective. It will also definitely help my willingness to try new things which is what will save me I think.

LuckyLovexoxoxxx · 01-31-2012, 10:50 AM

Once again im stuck with everything fml

Atrocious · 01-31-2012, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janszoon

What were you arrested for?

1CT Possession of Marijuana and 1CT Possession of Drug Paraphernalia both misdemeanor offenses.

**Janszoon** · 01-31-2012, 12:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atrocious

1CT Possession of Marijuana and 1CT Possession of Drug Paraphernalia both misdemeanor offenses.

Ah. That sucks man. Shouldn't even be illegal in the first place and you sure as hell shouldn't have to deal with so much crap because of it.

Salami · 01-31-2012, 06:05 PM

Alright, I'm guessing Urban's behind this:
shut the f*ck up salami

Hilarious.

Atrocious · 01-31-2012, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janszoon

Ah. That sucks man. Shouldn't even be illegal in the first place and you sure as hell shouldn't have to deal with so much crap because of it.

Truth.

Now as a part result I'm labeled "Habitual Offender: Contempt of Court"

Yay....

Time to smoke a blunt

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01-30-2012, 11:35 PM	#9421 (permalink)
~~Odyshape~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 526	My teen brain developing sure has been making me feel as though I have a bipolar disorder. I will try to describe the cycle I frequently experience. Over the course of the past 2 weeks (usual length of a cycle) I experience absolute mental freedom and experience such a great reprieve from anxiety that I have a genuine feeling that anxiety is something that will not even exist in my life. During this time I experience all of the rewards of having no anxiety like being heavily inspired, having a large capacity to help the people around me, being quite social and fun to be around. Then seemingly out of no where (I can usually in retrospect see what went wrong given enough time) I wake up one day and all of that is just gone. I struggle to feel even comparably similar and my feeling of liberation and hopefulness take a complete 180 to the point where I feel as though anxiety and depression are taking over my life and I will never get over it. The entire process leaves me feeling horrible and right now I have been making many honest efforts to find the source of the problem. These efforts seem to become a part of the cycle. One thing I have tried recently that worked to create an extreme high was to be 100% honest with everyone around me. I found I had a bit of a talent of getting people to open up to me and for a short while was able to work on a lot of family problems by doing this as well as building some security for myself. But I took it way to far. I felt as though I had nothing at all to be embarrassed about myself (which is a great lesson) and told the complete truth with EVERY single person, I even called up an ex girlfriend and told her EVERYTHING I ever thought, all the horrible secrets all of that (I don't regret it one bit). I was amazed to notice how when you make everything you say as human as you are how peoples capacity to accept your feelings grow massively. That wasn't a bad thing. It was an extremely important life lesson to me. The problem arises from the fact that I don't really know how to balance it. I was getting close with every person around me and unloaded on people and they did back and they were really appreciative to have down to earth discussions that were totally meaningful. I thought it was cool that I could be "special" enough to be 100% honest with people and have those conversations with people that they very rarely have almost on command. I was straight up in everything I said and lived on a carefully constructive balance of my impulse and thoughtfulness. I was discussing my problems openly and freely with lots and lots of people and people where back to me. It was making me feel better but I just did it too much to the point where I was becoming emotionally drained and wasn't really truly following my impulse anymore. My impulse was likely telling me to find something else to do other than have intimate conversations but I am the kind of person who tends to latch on to things that work and over do it until they lose their value. This causes me to become quite confused and ultimately further depressed because I am not acknowledging the fact that something that will make me happy one day won't work the same the next day. I suck at adapting. I talk about impulses a lot because I noticed my reprieve and freedom are a direct result of me taking advantage of my impulse. I am a naturally reflective person so when I am impulsive It balances out my character very nicely and become a person I am SO proud of. Like a self love that goes beyond ego and just becomes complete contentment. But my certain perceptions and expectations of how my impulses work often distort my ability to live up and listen to them. Which makes sense, since following your impulses isn't an intellectual process it is a process in which you do really the opposite : act on how you feel. I get too caught up on a static perception of how my impulse will benefit me and I don't have much of an ability to acknowledge that my impulses change on a day to day basis and it leads me to have self doubt and leaves me totally ashamed of myself. ESPECIALLY by contrast of how I may have felt the day before. SO I guess this post itself actually makes me feel a little better. I never really took the time to understand my up and down process in something tangible like speaking to some one or writing it down but this is helping. Plus I am not in a super biased mood where I think I do not have a problem or all of my problems are too overwhelming, I am extremely neutral right now. I guess I just need to understand my impulses better and the only way I can do that is through practice. It makes sense that I am struggling with balance since for a very large portion of my life I have never listened to my impulses very well. Anyway thanks to any person who reads this long ass post it has helped me kind of keep things in perspective some what maybe I am on the right track to figuring this **** out. Last edited by Odyshape; 01-31-2012 at 03:03 AM.

01-31-2012, 06:53 AM	#9422 (permalink)
Atrocious Blastphemist the Xist Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Pine Island, FL Posts: 100	Got a letter in the mail saying I owe the county $760 for past due court costs. It appears they slapped me with a $460 fine after an arrest in '07 and neglected to mention it after I paid up everything else. After five years of fees tagged on they want MOST of my tax return or they're gonna start garnishing my wages. I hate the government. I passionately hate the police and the injustice system. Most of all. I hate money. __________________ Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.-Confucius Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.-Friedrich Nietzsche Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but they detest at leisure.-Lord Byron Popularity's bad for you. I avoid it like the plague.-Brian Mulrooney

01-31-2012, 10:50 AM	#9426 (permalink)
LuckyLovexoxoxxx shake it for me:) Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Nor Cal bxtch,California (: Posts: 85	Once again im stuck with everything fml __________________ I can be your best friend and make everything wonderful or I can be your worst enemy and make your life a living hell.

01-31-2012, 06:05 PM	#9429 (permalink)
Salami Get in ma belly Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 1,385	Alright, I'm guessing Urban's behind this: shut the f*ck up salami Hilarious.