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Killed Laura Palmer
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 1,679
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Wrote up a trip report from my most recent experience. It wasn't a good one. I posted here about it, I think, when I was still morning-after spun. The details are a little fuzzy.
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This particular experience was expected to be a more casual dosage, something that would have prompted mild hallucinations and ultimately just led to expansion of thought patterns. I'd previously taken a great deal more than this (as far as I knew) and wasn't quite as prepared for what happened as I would have liked.
The friends I was tripping with were all at least somewhat LSD veterans, some to a greater extent than others. I was the most experienced, having tripped well over two dozen times. My friend, N, had tripped around a dozen times; my friend Z had tripped a handful of times; his girlfriend, L, had tripped a dozen times; my friend, A, had tripped only once before, although he claimed to have done so several times.
The five of us were at my friend Z's house, along with another friend, M, who was not partaking. She had to work in the morning. All of us, including M, smoked a bowl at around 10PM. At 10:30PM, all of us excluding M drank a glass of orange juice and took two hits of blotter - except L who took only one hit.
I was already feeling a little stoned at this point, and hadn't eaten anything earlier in the day. About ten minutes after dropping, we put the movie "Heavy Metal," which none of us had seen, on Netflix.
I don't really remember the plot of the movie much at all. The most vivid memory I have of the movie is lights coming from the screen, and seeing them reflected on the ceiling about an hour in. It was a strange sensation, and I was kind of taken aback by getting visual stimulation so strongly so shortly after dosing. I knew that I was in for a ride at that point.
By the end of the movie, I was just watching the colors from the screen on the ceiling of Z's room. Everyone else was conversing, but I was starting to get in my own headspace. I picked a nickel up off of the floor, and told myself firmly that it was my anchor, and if things got to be overwhelming, all I had to remember was that I had a nickel, and everything was okay. I was just tripping.
The conversation was becoming hard for me to follow, so I mainly stayed quiet. By the end of the movie, I was definitely feeling it, and poured myself another glass of orange juice.
We smoked another bowl right after the movie, and my friend, A, began playing Sonic on Z's Playstation. We were all watching the game, completely transfixed by the colors aside from M, who was just stoned.
At this point, everything had a funny, shimmery quality to it, and I hadn't experienced this too much aside from peaking - especially on doses lower than five hits.
My friend stopped playing Sonic in favor of playing another video game, Braid, which puts the player in control of time: Essentially, it's a beautiful game, a puzzle game, and if you mess up the puzzle and your character is about to die, you can reverse time and try again at the push of a button. With time already becoming strange, this game may not have been the best idea.
My friend began playing it erratically, as he was definitely beginning to trip fairly hard, and kept reversing time over and over again, whilst laughing. My friend N said it was freaking him out (it was freaking me out, too) so Z decided to put on some Mozart to ensure that good vibes remained in the room.
I think I began to have a panic attack. My heart began racing, and I was way more tingly and warm than I should have been, considering the LSD. My mouth was dry, I couldn't swallow, and felt on the verge of passing out. I carefully drank some orange juice, holding my nickel tightly, but the feeling didn't go away.
I felt my own pulse, and it felt more like a hum than an actual beat. I asked if anyone else would feel my pulse to make sure it was normal. My friend Z came over to me, felt my pulse, and reassured me it was normal. I felt a little better, but still felt on the verge of passing out. I got to my feet to walk it off and distract myself, nickel still in hand.
A was still playing Braid, laughing to himself, and my friend N said, "Seriously dude, this is freaking me out. I need to look away."
On the record player, Mozart was building in intensity.
I paced, rubbing the nickel in my hands, reminding myself that everything was fine. I looked to the TV and stopped walking, watching as time on Braid reversed then went forward over and over again. I couldn't move. I was transfixed.
It felt like I'd watched it for hours, but it may only have been minutes or seconds. The next thing I was aware of was being on the ground, curled up in the fetal position assuring everyone that I was okay. My mind was looping around vague concepts I couldn't put a name to, everything had begun to look kaleidoscopic, but I still felt more or less okay.
In a matter of minutes, seconds or something, I retreated into my own mind. I kept trying to pull myself out, but as soon as I would register what was around me, I'd be sucked back in.
L suggested to me that I get up and walk again, but I couldn't remember how to walk. Somehow, in a moment of strength, I got myself into a sitting position. Braid was still on the television, Mozart was going into a maddening furor, and I was gone again.
I became aware of people saying my name, and tried to answer them, but no words came to my lips. I tried to give a thumbs up, then felt the nickel in my hand. My nickel. Suddenly I was back, gave the thumbs up, and assured everyone that I was good.
N was sitting indian style in his chair, head in hands, rocking back and forth. Z was sitting with L, twitching noticeably. M looked concerned. A was still playing Braid, still laughing to himself, eyes maddeningly wide.
My throat was dry and it felt difficult to swallow. I took another drink of orange juice, and suggested we smoke another bowl. At least that would be something to focus on.
I remembered that I had cigarettes, and pulled one from my pack, placing it between my lips. My purse was on the other side of the room, my lighter inside, and I didn't feel like moving. Eventually, I guess I put the cigarette down on the table, giving up for the time being.
The bowl came to me, and I waved it away. It was all I could do suddenly to stay in the moment and not retreat into my fractured mind: That was a place full of dead ends, open space, run-on sentences, and words that had never existed. I needed to stay out of there.
L suggested that we paint, producing paper, brushes, and various colors of paint. I reached for a brush, completely overshooting it, and realized that my motor skills weren't currently up to snuff. I opted instead to take what I thought was a breather, laying on my side.
The next thing I knew, Z, N, and L were asking me if I was okay. I assured them that I was. I pointed to a table, said, "That's a table. I'm S. You're Z. You're N. You're L. He's A. She's M. I'm okay," then I began to slide out of coherency again.
I remember being so lost in my head, the moments of lucidity being so brief and infrequent that I thought I was never coming out of it. Every time I felt that way, however, I remembered that I had my nickel and everything was going to be okay.
I thought back to another trip, with Z and N at the park. That time, I remember that I was tripping too hard to converse properly, but Z and N seemed more or less okay. I felt out of place, suddenly, like I was the only person who tripped too hard, and thought with sudden certainty that this time, it was going to be forever.
I thought about my mom, in moments of nearly being lucid, about how she'd feel when her ruined daughter came to visit. About my 13-year-old sister who looked up to me. What it would be like for her to have a sister who was locked inside her own head, unable to escape.
I thought of the Youtube video, "David After Dentist," in which a little boy, still under the influence of his dental drugs, asked heart-breakingly of his father, "Is this going to be forever?"
In the video his father laughed, and I laughed as well when I saw it. At this point, however, it wasn't in the least bit funny.
I couldn't comprehend anything I was seeing. I closed my eyes, then opened them, which proved to be a huge mistake: I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed pretty much from that point on.
"Is this going to be forever?" I nearly wailed, as the youtube phenomenon played in my head.
"No," Z told me, "You're okay. This is normal. It's always been like this."
My friend N suggested I put the nickel down, because it was freaking me out. Apparently I'd been mumbling about the nickel and asking if Thomas Jefferson was a Native American. I put it down. Huge mistake.
I decided I needed to sleep. I still couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed, I couldn't tell which parts of my body were feeling which sensations, but I somehow managed to ask if I could try to sleep, and Z said yes...so I crawled and stumbled until I found something that felt like a bed and laid down.
At this point, I lost it completely.
I lost any concept of what I was, or what existence was. I'd almost have an idea of what being alive and normal entailed, then it would go and I'd be everything all at once. I lost the idea of being self-aware, and lapsed into some strange place where there were only atoms, but that wasn't exactly it - it was just the energy between the atoms. There was no thought. There was no concept of "I" or even people. It was some long-lost place in between everything, and there was no such thing as thinking.
When I'd get close to human, I'd immediately be pulled away again. I'd think I was God, then think there was no God, almost understand that I was a person, then just be energy with no thoughts or sensations at all.
I was told later that I was mumbling the whole time this happened. I would say things about being God, then I'd mumble about organized religion, then I'd just start humming in monotone. This repeated for a long time.
I started to come back to Earth, and realized I was in Z's bed and N had just sat down to check on me. A was still lost in a mind loop of his own, playing Braid, and Z was pacing furiously around the room muttering to himself while L painted. M was just smoking a bowl.
N asked me if I was okay, and I leapt to my feet, startling everyone, and kept saying over and over that I needed "context."
When I was asked to elaborate, I said, "I need context for existence," then started spouting nonsense words. One of these was, "Spegwiddy spideways," which I was able to say without moving my lips and jaws hardly at all. It was apparently my favorite, and I kept muttering it furiously to myself before informing everyone that I needed context.
Finally, I was temporarily back to some semblance of sanity and asked what time it was. A check of my phone assured me that it had only been four and a half hours since dropping: It was 3AM. It felt like it had been millennia, literally.
I made my way back to where I had been sitting, assured everyone that I was okay, that I knew where I was and what was going on.
L asked me to name everyone in the room, which I did, again saying I was okay. Then, I felt another wave starting to hit me. I staggered to my feet, simply said, "Nope," and stumbled over to Z's bed, where I fell down.
At this point, I at least knew I existed, which was okay. I still, however, could not tell if my eyes were open or closed. I started blinking furiously, giving myself a headache, then that wave subsided and I got back to my feet, suggesting we smoke another bowl.
We did, but my hands felt completely foreign, and I was still spouting nonsense words more than real words. My throat felt dry again, so I drank another glass of orange juice. My heart started beating heavily again, so I got up and tried to pace.
"Are you okay?" someone asked, and I turned to reassure them that I was, but what I saw in front of me was just blobs of color. I managed to lower myself to the ground without falling or hurting myself, then allegedly babbled some more.
I started singing a song I made up on the spot that had only one word in the lyrics: Purgatory.
I couldn't stop singing it, because I was afraid that if I stopped, I'd go off again to somewhere strange and inhuman.
Around this time, M wanted to go home. N said he was good to drive, although I highly doubt it. He and A left to drive her home, though, leaving me, Z, and L in the room.
I made my way to a rocking chair, while Z and L talked about something I couldn't understand. I watched whatever was on the TV without really seeing it or understanding what it was. My mouth was dry again, and I couldn't swallow at all, so I had another glass of orange juice and packed a bowl.
I made my way to Z and L, and we smoked the bowl as they tried to talk to me. I don't think that any of my responses were at all relevant to what they were saying, but we continued talking until N and A got back.
I was feeling way less insane at this point, although still very much tripping. Everything had tracers and most things were glowing. People were glowing especially brilliantly, auras surrounding them. Z had a bright purple aura, N a gold one, A a pinkish one, and L a dark black one ringed with gold.
Z and L went over to the other side of the room, and L kept saying that we didn't want them there, which wasn't true. She tried to turn Z against us, and wouldn't let him leave that side of the room, and wouldn't let us cross over to that side. It was very tense, and bad vibes were all around.
N, A, and I decided to watch another movie. N put on Clerks, because it was pretty light, really, and we started watching. A said something about how L was holding Z hostage, and then L stormed over to our side of the room and started yelling about how this was normal, apparently, and that A was a manufacturer of bad vibes.
We all ignored her until she went back to the other side, and we watched the movie.
I laid down in the floor and stared at the ceiling midway through the movie. The ceiling was white and spackled, but I had the distinct sensation that all of us were under a microscope slide, and just couldn't see through the imperfections in the glass. This didn't scare me at all, rather, it made me feel tranquil in an odd way.
Eventually the movie ended, Z still being held hostage at the other side of the room. None of us wanted to cause any confrontation, so we opted instead to leave - but not before smoking another bowl.
It was close to 6AM at this point, roughly 7 and a half hours after dropping, but we all made our way home. N was driving, I rode shotgun, and A was in the backseat. He was dropped off first, then N took a back road to get to my place.
A car pulled up behind us, and it appeared to be a cop car. I felt like I was having another panic attack, and couldn't swallow at all. I was convinced I was going to faint.
Finally, the car turned off, but my racing heart and inability to swallow remained. I told N that I might need a hospital, and he was freaked out, but said okay.
About a mile down the road, I felt instantly better and told him I was probably just having a mini-panic attack. We turned on some music, and I got home.
The second I got out of the car at my house, I felt a million times better. The sun was just beginning to rise, and it was a crisp but comfortable morning. There was a light layer of frost on the trees, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I was grinning from ear to ear as I made my way into the house.
Once inside, I immediately went to my laptop and put on some music. I began dancing around my kitchen to the music, my body feeling more like an amorphous thing than a body, and it was the best feeling in the world.
I was far from peaking at this point, so I just laid down, listening to music.
The sunlight shown in from a window, and I raised my hand into the beam. Staring at my hand, I saw that under the surface of my skin, I could see bright blue. When I clinched my hand into a fist, it turned red. I began doing this to the beat of the music.
My mouth became dry a few more times, but I had a glass of water next to the couch. The adverse effects I'd experienced were definitely weakening, and finally, at around noon, I managed to fall asleep.
It should be noted regarding this trip that even on fairly high doses, the negative effects I'd mentioned were not present with the drug. I'd felt muscle stiffness before, slightly dry mouth, and of course a slightly elevated heart rate, but nothing like this. While the visual and mental effects were much enhanced, the physical effects were very upsetting.
At one point, although I couldn't remember when and didn't list it in the trip report, my heart rate elevated to the point where I really thought I was dying. My mind told me, "This is what it's like to die," and I believed it wholeheartedly.
It should also be noted that this was not during the period of time where I think the trip was "bad."
Also, when I was a "god," half of the time I was a bear spirit.
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It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
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