im new, just wanted to post a song that i wrote and hope to get an oppinion back,1-10 (lyrics, pink floyd)

nextcharmichle · 11-11-2004, 09:50 PM

(steel string acoust tuned in drop d) { "i exist to!!!" }
INTRO: -------------
hello hello?? is anyone there,,to see me,, fined me, i see you.
yes, you there! so long so long, ive looked around you, to see you sittin there, in my world of wonder, the lady in the room, she seems really nice, why do you treat her like you do, like you do.
CHORUS: (main)
you see my wondering?? no,no you dont. i have been here a long long time, with everyone here, but to fined mysef totaly alone. the people they come and go, but only to fined myself, totaly alone.
CHORUS: (secondary)
here we are, again, in the same old path, on the same old trail, hello hello?is anyone out there, to see me, to fined me, sittin all alone, now somthing catches my eye as im growing up, my mom hits the floor, that nice nice lady, down she goes, you! you there! standing above her, seeming to hate. dad, why to you treat the nice lady i call mom so? (repet main chorus)
OUTTRO: now im being seen, in the world we call home, i understand now why you treat me so, for we dont have much money in the pocket, nor to much food on the table, but there is always someone to blame, isnt there, no, i fined that wrong, all she did was help, while you,,you!! sat there to discriminate, well, thanks alot. i under stand now, can you see me?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
so, what do you guys think,,1-10?? you guys probably think im some abused kid in a world of hate, im not, sure my perants argue every once in a wile, but who doesnt?? i just wrote that because of when they got in a bad fight one day, i got mad. its all good now. so, post your oppinion

David Frost · 11-11-2004, 10:35 PM

why dont you post an actual song. these are only lyrics.

Thrice · 11-12-2004, 01:23 AM

yeah...post some tabs or chords or something...

jibber · 11-12-2004, 01:27 AM

it's not too bad, just might be too literal. maybe try and think of ways to express the same message in a more subtle way, or create the scene without saying word for word exactly what happened.

blackTshirt · 11-13-2004, 10:20 AM

you know what? i think it's pretty good. i write too, but i don't call my works songs, i call them poems

Zealious · 11-13-2004, 07:43 PM

In your poem try not to tell, try to show

nextcharmichle · 11-14-2004, 07:41 PM

i have the cords and stuff, just didnt know if anybody could read them, plus, tabs mean nothing for this song, theres to many cary ones and hard beats. but thanks for the ideas, although, nobody rated!

spearmint · 11-15-2004, 03:50 PM

I will do as you ask and post a number between 1 and 10...although to me it's just a bit mass of lyrics and pretty hard to understand without the beat etc etc etc so it'd have to be pretty low like a 3, 4 or something....

nextcharmichle · 11-16-2004, 11:45 PM

well, if anyone is into pink floyd, it kinda has the same beat and tone as comfertably numb. but the main chorus like the song by the eagles, hotel california, just sped up.

TheBig3 · 11-18-2004, 11:31 PM

Um hey captain, if its going to have the same beat and tone of comfortablly numb you might not want to hijack their lyrics. That song caem to mind after the first two stanzas. Just screw around on your instrument before you decide to write a song. Cause right now, with what I read and am told, you're plagerising left and right.

11-11-2004, 09:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
nextcharmichle Groupie Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 4	im new, just wanted to post a song that i wrote and hope to get an oppinion back,1-10 (steel string acoust tuned in drop d) { "i exist to!!!" } INTRO: ------------- hello hello?? is anyone there,,to see me,, fined me, i see you. yes, you there! so long so long, ive looked around you, to see you sittin there, in my world of wonder, the lady in the room, she seems really nice, why do you treat her like you do, like you do. CHORUS: (main) you see my wondering?? no,no you dont. i have been here a long long time, with everyone here, but to fined mysef totaly alone. the people they come and go, but only to fined myself, totaly alone. CHORUS: (secondary) here we are, again, in the same old path, on the same old trail, hello hello?is anyone out there, to see me, to fined me, sittin all alone, now somthing catches my eye as im growing up, my mom hits the floor, that nice nice lady, down she goes, you! you there! standing above her, seeming to hate. dad, why to you treat the nice lady i call mom so? (repet main chorus) OUTTRO: now im being seen, in the world we call home, i understand now why you treat me so, for we dont have much money in the pocket, nor to much food on the table, but there is always someone to blame, isnt there, no, i fined that wrong, all she did was help, while you,,you!! sat there to discriminate, well, thanks alot. i under stand now, can you see me? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - so, what do you guys think,,1-10?? you guys probably think im some abused kid in a world of hate, im not, sure my perants argue every once in a wile, but who doesnt?? i just wrote that because of when they got in a bad fight one day, i got mad. its all good now. so, post your oppinion

11-12-2004, 01:23 AM	#3 (permalink)
Thrice أمهاتك[وهور]Aura Euphoria Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Florida/Buffalo/CT Posts: 2,077	yeah...post some tabs or chords or something... __________________ Lew Harrison, who looked like an anarchist with his red eyes and fierce black beard, had been writing furiously in one corner of the room. "That's good—happiness by the kilowatt," he said. "Buy your happiness the way you buy light."

11-12-2004, 01:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
jibber Freeskier Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul not Constantinople... Posts: 1,536	it's not too bad, just might be too literal. maybe try and think of ways to express the same message in a more subtle way, or create the scene without saying word for word exactly what happened. __________________ What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road. William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass. HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

11-13-2004, 10:20 AM	#5 (permalink)
blackTshirt The Randomness Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: romania.. shut up Posts: 854	you know what? i think it's pretty good. i write too, but i don't call my works songs, i call them poems __________________ My rims never spin, to the contrary You'll find that they're quite stationary.

11-13-2004, 07:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
Zealious Skeptic Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 375	In your poem try not to tell, try to show

11-14-2004, 07:41 PM	#7 (permalink)
nextcharmichle Groupie Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 4	i have the cords and stuff, just didnt know if anybody could read them, plus, tabs mean nothing for this song, theres to many cary ones and hard beats. but thanks for the ideas, although, nobody rated!

11-15-2004, 03:50 PM	#8 (permalink)
spearmint Everything's eventual Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Norwich, england Posts: 173	I will do as you ask and post a number between 1 and 10...although to me it's just a bit mass of lyrics and pretty hard to understand without the beat etc etc etc so it'd have to be pretty low like a 3, 4 or something....

11-16-2004, 11:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
nextcharmichle Groupie Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 4	well, if anyone is into pink floyd, it kinda has the same beat and tone as comfertably numb. but the main chorus like the song by the eagles, hotel california, just sped up.

11-18-2004, 11:31 PM	#10 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Um hey captain, if its going to have the same beat and tone of comfortablly numb you might not want to hijack their lyrics. That song caem to mind after the first two stanzas. Just screw around on your instrument before you decide to write a song. Cause right now, with what I read and am told, you're plagerising left and right.