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12-08-2004, 08:12 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: DC
Posts: 3,320
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Review
I guess this is the best place to put this.
My new band, My False Heart, is in the process of writing new material for our debut show on January 23rd. Here are some of our lastest lyrics. I would like feedback please and be as critical as you want. Spitting Back Words With Just A Bit More Venom We’ve reached the end my dear And I’ve got the rope right here Enough to hang you right where I want you I’ll sing back your words Now tell me how it hurts To not have any recourse or grace You’re so wonderful in all your beauty Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly You’re so fragile in all your beauty Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful How could you think I’d help you? You killed me so many times, once will be enough I’ll say it was the only way And I won’t feel guilty or ashamed I planned this every night I died I hope you can see The scars you’ve given me And so ends all your voiceless whispers You’re so wonderful in all your beauty Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly You’re so fragile in all your beauty Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful Taking Time To Realize I’m Finished To be comforted is to forget To be loved is to remember A life once lost, is never found A heart once given is lost to sound I can’t hear your stringent words Not that I want to anyway We’ll never have to say hello again, at least where we’re headed We’ll never say goodbye, tomorrow, you see, has died We’ll never have to dance again; on ground no one has tread We’ll always have these memories, of you and me, to regret Don’t forget what you can’t save Don’t sell what you can’t take Don’t tear what you can’t mend Don’t give in…don’t give in We’ll hold them off as long as necessary We’ll fight forever and staring Down the barrel of a gun isn’t as scary as I woulda thought 23 Hours Left In The Worst Day Of My Life Sleep is so persuasive when you’re desperate I’ll turn off the alarm, try to turn off the world Leave me to myself; I’m so gone now You and me, could be, another fatal memory Better instinct says no but I’ll over analyze Funny how the lines on your arms run parallel I noticed that the first night Notice how it was already the last? And we dance in this endless waltz Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me The bitter notes mix with sour melodies It causes us to fade into obscurity Quick, grab my hand before we’re too far gone… I won’t wait for this time; half past 2 and I’ll leave I swear you won’t make it; you’re in a speeding coffin A final rose is best it seems, to please, and me I’ll die with the knowledge of what happened And we dance in this endless waltz Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me The bitter notes mix with sour melodies The last word I ever said was please But I slew the final kiss you missed and now we’re too far gone What, Why, How, End Verse 1 How do you construct a goodbye? How do you rebuild these bridges? How do you buy back this time? How do you remove these stitches? How should I apologize again? How do I move my frozen limbs? Chorus I’m having to learn again and I admit I don’t like it But its not like I have much of a choice I’m forgiving myself again, and its time to look at this script Did you write this? I have no voice! Verse 2 Why should I open up now? Why do I take my life each night? Why will you not tell me how? Why do torched skies burn so bright? Why should I apologize again? Why can’t I escape this frozen skin? Chorus Verse 3 What must I prove for you? What more to sorrow can I give? What causes your blood to melt me through? What emotion do I trade to live? What must I apeothize again? Are you sure it’s no demon? Chorus So Damn Dashing We’re not afraid of consequences are we… We’ll walk alone our eyes alight It’s just me and you and stars tonight But tomorrow will eventually arrive No matter how hard you try to fight How can we battle sickness if we have no symptoms? I’ll sing to you in pouring rain But you aren’t listening stinging disdain Cuts through words and severs veins Seems that I, sang in vain Which one of your emotions will you trade to live this time? Why are we fighting fate in its fatalistic glory? We can’t, we won’t, we’ll not finish writing out Pyrrhean story I’ll take my stand to stop this darkening sea But watch my back I fear they’re coming for me Every Breath A Compromise Since when does my civility reflect my inner anger! I was only trying to Be nice! To you! But you think everything has an alternative destructive end I need you to (pull your self) together Not everything I say (has a double meaning) Free thinking but close minded I’m not trying to tempt you Since when do my lights me more than stop I still keep trying to Forget! About you! But you poisoned my mind so completely Can you accept that I’m right for you? Or are you too sure of your imperfection Because of failure you’ll stay alone Take my hand I’ll guide you in Flight We once flew, above the clouds Not daring to, look down Your hand in mine, felt oh so perfect To see you smile, this fall was worth it Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away x2 Hearts shatter like so much glass Wings flutter and we forget our broken past Now poisoned words fill this Icarian tale We tried to fly but our wings failed Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away x2 The brightest star guides our hearts A demon’s lure, and we’re both torn apart My scared apologies reach the ears of none Now I’m undone and won’t see the sun Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away x2
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One note timeless, came out of nowhere... |
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12-08-2004, 09:22 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Groupie
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Washington State
Posts: 16
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Spitting Back Words With Just A Bit More Venom
We’ve reached the end my dear And I’ve got the rope right here Enough to hang you right where I want you I like this part I’ll sing back your words Now tell me how it hurts To not have any recourse or grace seems out of place You’re so wonderful in all your beauty Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly You’re so fragile in all your beauty Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful I know beauty is meant as repetition... but I think it's overdone How could you think I’d help you? You killed me so many times, once will be enough very cliche? enough metaphors about dieing I think... leave that to The Used I’ll say it was the only way And I won’t feel guilty or ashamed I planned this every night I died I hope you can see The scars you’ve given me very literal And so ends all your voiceless whispers You’re so wonderful in all your beauty Beauty so paper thin, beauty so ugly You’re so fragile in all your beauty Beauty so fleeting, beauty so dreadful Taking Time To Realize I’m Finished To be comforted is to forget To be loved is to remember A life once lost, is never found A heart once given is lost to sound I can’t hear your stringent words sounds like you raided the thesaurus Not that I want to anyway We’ll never have to say hello again, at least where we’re headed We’ll never say goodbye, tomorrow, you see, has died more death metaphors *yawn* We’ll never have to dance again; on ground no one has tread We’ll always have these memories, of you and me, to regret I like the "have to" Don’t forget what you can’t save Don’t sell what you can’t take Don’t tear what you can’t mend I like this Don’t give in…don’t give in wow... very inspiring... out of placeish We’ll hold them off as long as necessary We’ll fight forever and staring Down the barrel of a gun isn’t as scary as I woulda thought This song seems to change halfway through... almost like you wrote half of two and put them together. Some of lines are very catchy though 23 Hours Left In The Worst Day Of My Life Sleep is so persuasive when you’re desperate I’ll turn off the alarm, try to turn off the world Leave me to myself; I’m so gone now don't especially care for this verse You and me, could be, another fatal memory meh Better instinct says no but I’ll over analyze Funny how the lines on your arms run parallel I noticed that the first night Notice how it was already the last? I like this part And we dance in this endless waltz Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me The bitter notes mix with sour melodies It causes us to fade into obscurity Quick, grab my hand before we’re too far gone… I won’t wait for this time; half past 2 and I’ll leave I swear you won’t make it; you’re in a speeding coffin A final rose is best it seems, to please, and me final rose? funeral flowers? I’ll die with the knowledge of what happened And we dance in this endless waltz Let the dissonant symphony wash over you, wash over me The bitter notes mix with sour melodies The last word I ever said was please But I slew the final kiss you missed and now we’re too far gone I like it... but it would be more impactful if less of your songs were in this vein. What, Why, How, End Verse 1 How do you construct a goodbye? How do you rebuild these bridges? How do you buy back this time? How do you remove these stitches? How should I apologize again? How do I move my frozen limbs? Chorus I’m having to learn again and I admit I don’t like it But its not like I have much of a choice I’m forgiving myself again, and its time to look at this script Did you write this? I have no voice! Verse 2 Why should I open up now? Why do I take my life each night? Why will you not tell me how? Why do torched skies burn so bright? Why should I apologize again? Why can’t I escape this frozen skin? Chorus Verse 3 What must I prove for you? What more to sorrow can I give? What causes your blood to melt me through? What emotion do I trade to live? What must I apeothize again? Are you sure it’s no demon? Chorus I just don't like this song... I won't even bother So Damn Dashing We’re not afraid of consequences are we… with the wording it seems a question mark at the end is more apropriate We’ll walk alone our eyes alight ughh boulevard of broken dreams... eww It’s just me and you and stars tonight But tomorrow will eventually arrive No matter how hard you try to fight ^worst part of the whole song... all you really should change How can we battle sickness if we have no symptoms? I’ll sing to you in pouring rain But you aren’t listening stinging disdain Cuts through words and severs veins semi-synaesthesia? clever Seems that I, sang in vain homophones... not seen very oftenly Which one of your emotions will you trade to live this time? Why are we fighting fate in its fatalistic glory? We can’t, we won’t, we’ll not finish writing out Pyrrhean story I’ll take my stand to stop this darkening sea But watch my back I fear they’re coming for me favorite of your songs... some clever writing devices and metaphors. With the right music could be great Every Breath A Compromise Since when does my civility reflect my inner anger! I was only trying to Be nice! To you! ughh painfully... sad... nice? it's obvious you're a better writer then thatBut you think everything has an alternative destructive end I need you to (pull your self) together Not everything I say (has a double meaning)I like this... metaphors are friendly though... maybe like.. the words that escape my lips don't always wear two faces Free thinking but close minded I’m not trying to tempt you Since when do my lights me more than stop I still keep trying to Forget! About you! But you poisoned my mind so completely poisoned ughh Can you accept that I’m right for you? Or are you too sure of your imperfection Because of failure you’ll stay alone Take my hand I’ll guide you in did someone else write this one or were you tired? I stopped halfway through... lyrical a.d.d... Flight We once flew, above the clouds Not daring to, look down Your hand in mine, felt oh so perfect To see you smile, this fall was worth it metaphors are best when they require thought... Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away hmm catchy... I like it x2 Hearts shatter like so much glass Wings flutter and we forget our broken past Now poisoned words fill this Icarian tale  change the word poisoned and it's the best line I've readWe tried to fly but our wings failed change this around... failed is so obvious Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away x2 The brightest star guides our hearts A demon’s lure, and we’re both torn apart My scared apologies reach the ears of none Now I’m undone and won’t see the sun meh... this line seems to be filler. at least change something better to rhyme with none Take me for granted! Take me to late! Take me enchanted! Just take me away x2 Well... I tried to help. I hope you realize that through all the critisism and suggestions I think that you're talented... whatever anonymous internet praise means |
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12-10-2004, 12:32 AM
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#7 (permalink) | |
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Damned If You Do
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 147
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Hey! there good...so far i've written two songs and they're both ****
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12-10-2004, 07:07 AM
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#8 (permalink) | |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 872
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they are a bit to literal but id be interested in hearing them in a band. what kind of music do you guys play?
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My iron lung helps me breathe-- And third glass eye helps keep up appearances. I'm a technological marvel. Quote:
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12-10-2004, 01:49 PM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: DC
Posts: 3,320
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As I said our debut is January 23rd at the Ottobar up in Maryland (we live in Woodbridge). Our style is classified you might say as metalcore meets scremo. We're along the lines of MCR/Underoath (i know you don't like them but we do) at our softest and Between The Buried And Me/Dead To Fall in our breakdowns and heavier parts. My scream is pretty deep and our guitarist Mark has a really high one. I think you might like us Frost.
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One note timeless, came out of nowhere... |
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12-10-2004, 03:22 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Groupie
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Hillhead, UK
Posts: 12
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(Brackets show screams)
(A bleeding heart and punctured lungs,) Were we warned love could feel this way? (Estinguished in a sea of sorrow.) The last embers of my soul (Was it so long ago we could speak without screams?) Why is it now we can meet without words? (You were once mine.) You belonged to me. I loved you. (You were once mine.) I held you. (You belonged to me.) (Was it so long ago we could speak without screams?) (Why is it now we can meet without words?) (You were once mine.) (You belonged to me.) (You belonged to me.) |
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