Introduction: Shock, Achin' and Wankerman – the Bane of My Life
When I saw MicShaz had chosen this album, I was somewhat disappointed. I've always hated the superhit trio of Stock, Aitken and Waterman (SAW) for what they did to the pop industry throughout the eighties. Their epithet of The Hit Factory was very appropriate, as pop hit after pop hit rolled off their production line with bland, dull, predictable regularity. If anyone helped usher in the age of the pop music reality shows like X Factor, Pop Stars and American Idol, it was these three. The awful, unchallenging lyrics, the recycled melodies, and that terrible, ubiquitous drum pattern! From Rick Astley to Mel and Kim, and from Sonia to, here, Kylie, once you heard that beat you knew you were dealing with an SAW song, and after a while, they became so interchangeable that it kind of really didn't matter who was singing. Pop stars were created, cloned, milked and then tossed aside. With a very few notable exceptions (Kylie being one) can you name any act under SAW who's still performing, or has gone on to greater things?
So this hatred of the pop star stable that these three ran is going to colour my review of this album, though I will try not to let it dominate it. I do love Kylie, but I just wish MicShaz had chosen something like, I don't know,
Confide in Me, Body Language, maybe
Fever or
Light Years, something that showed what she could do after she had broken away from the slavery of SAW. Hell, I'd even have taken
Aphrodite or
Golden! But this is what we have, so let's see what it's like.
1. What were your VERY FIRST impressions on listening to the album, say from the first five minutes in?
Well, I know the opener, and there's no surprises here. I've never been mad about this song, for more see next question.
2. What did you think of the opening track?
One of her best-known hits under SAW, a real vehicle for their tired and lazy by-the-numbers pre-packaged-chart-hit songwriting. Steps did a version of this, and there's not a lot of difference in their version, which kind of says it all really.
3. What did you think of the next track?
Another crappy cookie cutter SAW pop song. God I hate those guys so much!
4. Did you like the vocalist? Hate him/her? Any impressions? (see note 1)
Love Kylie. Even with all the dross SAW had her singing, her quality and professionalism and talent shines through. You could tell that all it needed was a spark to set her career properly alight.
5. Did the music (only) generally appeal to you, or not? (see note 2)
I'm not fond of dance music, and this has that ****ing SAW drumbeat running through it like a tapeworm or something. Makes me sick.
6. Did the album get better or worse as you listened to it (first time)?
The mediocrity was occasionally leavened by a decent track, but generally it was terrible all the way through.
7. What did you think of the lyrical content?
Typical pop **** and typical SAW attitude: “Does this rhyme with that? Yeah it does. Cool. Does it make sense? Now, why are you asking me stupid questions like that? Do you think these ****ing braindead kids care? Do you WANT to make money or not??”
8. Did you like the instrumental parts? (see note 3)
Nah, it's all dance/disco cookie-cutter SAW crap.
9. What did you think of the production?
This is one time when I will talk about the production, but only to say I hate it as it is again infected by the incurable disease known as SAW. Have I mentioned I hate them? I hate them.
10. Did you know of this artiste prior to listening to the album, and if so, did that foreknowledge colour your perception of this album?
Yeah, big Kylie fan, and if anything, it allowed me to get through an album that, were it by anyone else, I would have not bothered with.
11. Is this, generally, the kind of music you listen to or not?
Not a chance in hell
12. Assuming you listened to the album more than once, on repeated listens, did you find you liked the album more, or less?
I only listened to it the once. I know that might seem unfair, but there was no point in going for it again. I've heard all I need or want to, and my opinion isn't going to change no matter how many times I try.
13. What would you class as your favourite track(s), if you have any?
Once we get away from the stranglehold of the lads on songwriting, things start to get a tiny but better, though not much. I will admit “Shocked!”, though an SAW song, is pretty rad. “The World Still Turns” would be a favourite here. Speaking of shocked, Jesus but for a Kylie-penned song, “One Boy Girl” is total crap! And who thought putting a semi-rap/spoken part in was a good idea?
14. And the one(s) you liked least?
The so-called “Golden Quartet”. Don't know what's so golden about them, other than they were the big hits. But they're awful. Also “One Boy Girl”. Godawful. Most of the album can be described in that way, really.
15. If the album in question is a debut, did that fact allow it, in your mind, any leeway, and if so, was that decision justified or vindicated? (see note 4)
n/a
16. Are you now looking forward to hearing more from this artiste, if you have not heard any of their other material?
I need to listen to more Kylie. I won't listen to this one again though. Is her new one really that bad?
17. Were you surprised by your reaction - positive or negative - to the album?
Since there was such heavy influence from SAW, not as such. I had hoped for better, though.
18. Did the album end well?
Meh. Closer was nothing special, another in a line of forgettable pop songs.
19. Do you see any way the album could have been improved?
Hang SAW and burn their bodies. Then get someone like, I dont know, Diane Warren or Rod Temperton or maybe Desmond Childs in to write the girl some proper songs. And get Prince to produce it. Maybe Quincy.
20. Do you think the album hung together well, ie was a fully cohesive unit, or was it a bit hit-and-miss?
It's a pop album. It really doesn't matter. It's just a collection of singles and hits with a few other tracks tacked on. There's nothing cohesive about it, cos there's nothing to be cohesive about.
Sorry man: pretty ****ing awful and a big disappointment. I'll give it a generous
4/10
The Album Club: "Rhythm of Love" by Kylie Minogue
Linear Mode
