The Batlord

even ki has good taste

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Key

Reviews are lacking. I'm disappointed.

The Batlord

I was gonna update this thread last night... but then I got high.

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Key

I was gonna go to class, but then I got high.

Thelonious Monkey

I was gonna get high, but then I realized I'm ****ing broke and my dealer has been arrested. ****.

Trollheart

Batty, for once in your life follow though man! One ****ing review? That sucks, even for you.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Blank.

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The Batlord

I still have that Nightwish album sitting on my hard drive like a turd. Might as well make use of it.

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The Batlord

This album is over an hour long and has a 13-minute song. **** that. And I don't even remember what Anette Olzen (Nightwish's then current vocalist and former ABBA tribute band singer) sounds like, I just remember not giving a **** (and **** ABBA btw). Here the **** we go...





1. Taikatalvi - 2:35: Oh hey, lame keyboard/piano intro. Didn't see that coming at all. And an ******* singing in Finnish. Sounds like the cringiest nursery rhyme ever. This is not at all allaying my fears that Nightwish are not still an overblown novelty project by people with more ego than taste.

Not even three-minutes-long and it feels too long.

2. Storytime - 5:22: Holy **** monkeys and dog testicles, Batman! The keyboards are ramping up and we have lame riffs! Didn't at all call that either. Man, I can see why Anette only lasted two albums. She's boring even by symphonic metal standards. She sounds like the best karaoke singer of the night, and I'm pretty sure they're using auto-tune to make her sound better.

Woof.

This is pretty much what I was expecting. Overblown symphonic metal trash without even the occasional decent riff of their early days to make me give a ****. The best part of this is the laughably "epic" choral singing that I imagine the band had no part in.

3. Ghost River - 5:28: Oh look, a vaguely aggro riff to kick things off. And now things are quieting down so we can "enjoy" Anette mostly unaccompanied, as the last song kind of buried her... and what the **** is this ****ty "extreme metal" singer who just popped up? The "beauty and the beast" style of symphonic metal vocal dynamics is lame as ****, but at least they generally have the decency to not inject a male singer who is completely inappropriate for the style of music being played.

That *******, Anette, and the irritating wall of sound music and production are making this song almost impossible to listen to. It's like they're trying to trick people into liking this song with the bits and pieces of it while distracting from the general lack of personality of the song itself. The same was pretty true of the last song (and probably the rest of the album) but this one is kind of cartoonish with its overwrought chaos (chaos as in the production, not the music, as that might actually be interesting).

4. Slow, Love, Slow - 5:50: Can we not start a song with a sad/sappy/boring/****fest keyboard intro? Is this a ballad? This almost sounds like lounge music. That would actually be a welcome change of pace from the sound of Nightwish being terrible even for Nightwish. Don't get me wrong this is boring as ****, but at least I'm not being pelted with toothless riffs. Just toothless piano.

Anette still blows btw. Like, what classified ad did they find this bitch in?

Oh god damn it this song is barely half over. The novelty of Nightwish pretending to play lounge jazz is very quickly wearing off and I want this to be done.

Lol, I hear guitar riffs now. I think they're about to switch from lounge music to symphonic metal as if that isn't one of the dumbest ideas any hack has ever had.

Nope, that went nowhere. They just kind of threw in a couple riffs and then descended into a Kenny G sax solo. Utterly brilli-ain't. And that grandfather clock sound is seriously grating on my nerves.

5. I Want My Tears Back - 5:07: "I Want My Tears Back"? Lol.




And I think there's supposed to be some "Celtic music" influence here (i.e. they ripped off Riverdance). Otherwise this is more ****ty, lame symphonic metal. I think I'll spend the rest of the song looking up pics of Cristina Scabbia from Lacuna Coil. God damn she is fine and a singer I actually enjoy.

Done now and the song is over. Good timing.

6. Scaretale - 7:32: A song called "Scaretale" and it starts with what I'm assuming are supposed to be evil children and some scurry symphonic keyboards and a chorus. Almost beats the intro to "Hell Awaits" except that it in no way does.

How many ways can I say that this is boring? The riffs are stale even by Nightwish standards, Anette has no presence or value, the songs are just kind of there and interchangeable besides a few cheap gimmicks (like choral singing or that screamy guy or the Riverdance **** or that goofy lounge tune). Not a single thing that had anything to do with Nightwish's actual sound has left even the slightest impression on me.

Is that guy supposed to be singing like a pirate doing a jig? Go **** yourselves real damn hard. This is overblown and ridiculous even by Nightwish standards, and the music underneath makes it clear that I'm supposed to take this at least somewhat seriously. No.

Oh please spare me the carney music. This album has no shame.

7. Arabesque - 2:57: Well at least this will be over soon. Also a nice way of showing how the whitest people on Earth think that throwing some stereotypical Middle Eastern bits in is in any way creative or justifies calling a song "Arabesque". Gag.

Hey, it's an instrumental. At least that gets rid of one thing that sucks. Now for the rest of it.

8. Turn Loose the Mermaids - 4:20: Nightwish has the worst song names in history. And here we have a Riverdance ballad apparently. You people do realize you are nowhere near Ireland don't you? Clearly not as they have not the slightest idea that their "Celtic" influences are nothing you couldn't get from some Celtic music CD that your grandmother probably has sitting next to her 20-year-old stereo.

This song is 4-minutes-and-20-seconds-long. I'd kill for a joint right about now.

9. Rest Calm - 7:02: Every time I think, "Hey, I'm getting near the end of the ****ing album!", I remember that there's a 13-minute track coming up. And this one is no slouch at 7 minutes. There's an actual kinda heavy riff here that's not particularly awful though. Too bad it's nearly ruined by the overproduced, scratchy, stale, boring guitar tone.

Who's that singing? Sounds like a guest spot. Oh yeah, I don't ****ing care. Almost forgot.

I think I'm gonna take a nap after this album. This is exhausting.

10. The Crow, the Owl and the Dove - 4:10: Oh ****, I was so bored I wasn't paying attention when the song changed. Blah, blah, boring, blah, blah, overblown, blah, blah, Anette sucks cock, blah, blah, sounds like a ballad, blah, blah, yawn, blah, blah, I'd possibly rather listen to a Tarja solo album than this ****.

11. Last Ride of the Day - 4:32: One more song till that epic or whatever. Don't even care anymore. **** this, **** Nightwish, and **** Ki.

Like, I should say something about this song, right? It sucks. Like, hard. Maybe more than the other songs. Maybe less. I don't know. I can't remember what they sounded like tbh. I can't even remember what this song sounds like and I'm listening to it.

Is it over? No? Goody.

12. Song of Myself
i. From a Dusty Bookshelf
ii. All That Great Heart Lying Still
iii. Piano Black
iv. Love - 13:37: Oh ****, it's this song. You know, maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome or maybe the band just cared about this song, but the opening rhythm isn't bad. And it's over. Back to more boring symphonic metal.

Hey, it's back. That guitar riff/drum beat combo is the only thing on this album I really like. Hopefully they do it more.

I think the drummer might be the only person in this band who actually has balls. He's not so bad sometimes. Most times I still don't care, but every once in awhile he's cool(ish).

Okay, so as you can expect from a symphonic metal "epic" with sections separated by Roman numerals, this is pretentious, overblown, and mostly dull, but it really doesn't sound any different from the rest of the album, just longer.

I'm fading fast, dudes. I'm yawning, having to stretch, my eyes are getting heavy, I feel that kinda of warm fuzziness that means you're about to go down hard. This album is a perfect cure for insomnia.

Oh yeah, and now there's some spoken word **** from some guy who won't shut up. No idea what he's talking about cause I don't care enough to listen, but something about making out with dolls.

Four minutes left. Come on. Nap Land is a'callin'. Pretty sure there's a joke there about Finland and Lapland and Nap Land but I don't care. These people won't shut up. Oh and there's more than one person talking now. Might be three or four. Not sure. Sure I don't care.

Still a minute to go. I'm not even happy this song and album are almost over. I'm just too out of it to feel anything but vague satisfaction.

13 - Imaginaerum 6:18: Last song. Yay. It's 6-minutes-long, but I can deal as long as I don't pass out before it's over. But if that happens then it would be a pretty damning statement in its own right, so it would count as part of the review. But I can't just lay my head down and actively try to go to sleep as that would be cheating. I'll just have to hope for the best.

Is this song a 6-minute instrumental? I might just have to lay down anyway. **** this. It's all, like, aimless and ****, with funny noises or whatever, and more lame symphonic nonsense. Were they hoping to get this on one of the LOTR movies? I don't even remember if any of them were coming out around 2011.

Oh, The Hobbit was released in 2012. Maybe they were going for that. Wouldn't have been out of place.

Oh **** it's over! Bam! Made it through. **** Nightwish. Gonna go beddy-bye now.

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Paedantic Basterd

You guys just kiss already.