MattMVS7

Music is about experiencing emotion and expressing emotion. Therefore, this is the reason why being in full emotional health is so important to me. But since I have chronic depression which is something that takes away my emotions, I feel that since I have lost the very thing that is most important in music, I feel anger towards myself and that I should give up on my dream of being a composer. Without the ability to fully emotionally experience and express music, then I feel that my pursuit in being a composer and experiencing emotion from music is all dead and worthless.

This immense value I have towards being emotional in music is not only the reason why I wanted to become a composer, but unfortunately, it is also the reason why I am angry and consider giving up. Even though I could pursue my dream anyway and try my best to have the attitude of making the best of what emotion I have, the fact that I have lost some of my emotion due to chronic depression is too overwhelming despite any positive attitude I might try to have.

But there is one thing that I have always done that has never brought me any frustration or such anger towards myself which is playing videogames. When I play videogames, nothing matters (not even my emotional well-being). All that matters is just playing the game and I have no such value towards my emotional well-being like I do with my music which is something that only serves to bring me anger knowing that I'm chronically depressed.

So you might be thinking now that I should pursue my dream of becoming a composer just like how I play my videogames in the sense that my emotional well-being does not matter and all that matters is just composing the music. Unfortunately, this is not the case because the only reason I want to become a composer in the first place is my value towards emotion in music. In other words, I would have no interest in just simply composing music alone if it weren't for my value towards emotions.

I am struggling right now to decide if I want to go ahead and actually pursue my dream of becoming a composer or to just give up and play my videogames. It is hard because I am obviously a perfectionist when it comes to my emotional well-being in music and this is the attitude that is making me want to give up. Me being a perfectionist only focuses on what I don't got rather than what I have now (in this case, my emotional well-being). However, this attitude of mine is something I'm not even sure I can change completely which means that as long as I pursue my dream of being a composer, I will always have this feeling of frustration and anger towards myself that my emotional well-being is not in perfect shape. And I'm not even sure this is something even worth putting up with.

Therefore, do you think I should give up? Or is there some other type of attitude that you can recommend for me that will encourage me to pursue my dream of becoming a composer despite my chronic depression? If you are going to say something such as that I should channel my depression into making music, this is not who I am. I hate my depression and I want it to have nothing to do with my music (and that even goes for my feelings of frustration and anger).

Mr. Charlie

Seems your caught between a rock and a hard place, so why not try the rock and try the hard place? In other words, put the dream on hold for a spell and gauge how you feel. Then return to pursuing your dream and compare your sense of well-being with how you felt when you had the dream on hold. Then choose whichever had you feeling best.

buntter

Doesn't matter to anyone else either way. Except maybe your family but I'm sure noone here knows them.

Plankton

You should give up on yours.

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wearewater

Nobody can or should tell you to give up or keep trying, only your decision matters.

It all depends on what your passions and dreams are worth. Is becoming a composer truly a dream of yours? A driving desire of your heart? ...why? What have you done so far to make your dream come true?

You ask a question that every individual on the planet has struggled with in their mind at some point. "Is what I want worth the effort and risks to achieve it?" Of course, everyone 'knows' they should never give up on their dreams ..so why is it so easy to do? There really are only two answers; fear -or- the dream was never true to begin with.

You say that your inability to fully express emotion is holding you back from pursuing becoming a composer. Define this for yourself; how would you quantify "full emotional health"? Is it an ability to express any emotion, or the ability to simply express that emotion at all? Is it the destination, or the journey -forever a work in progress? Anger, frustration & sadness are all emotions that can be expressed in music. You demand that these particular emotions not be a part of your music, so you require from yourself emotions which you aren't experiencing. How can you give something you don't have? Instead, you find yourself angry that you're angry. Realize this; depression is a living thing. It seeks to keep itself alive by feeding on the destructive thoughts and emotions that it alone creates by using loss in the past, and fear for the future. It'll prevent you from trying, and then punish you for it.

I don't know the source of your chronic depression, whether some inner turmoil you face or a chemical imbalance, but if you truly desire to make music that expresses the emotions which you don't seem to possess at this time, you ought to begin by seeking those emotions and sorting out the source of your depression, don't you think? Let music become the byproduct, and your happiness the focus. Understand that what you experience is normal. Forgive yourself for it, starve the anger that feeds on itself and let a vision of yourself being happy be your driving force.

So your question isn't so much whether you should give up, but rather is making music really your dream or are you just afraid to try?

skeetz

never give up on your dreams. i never gave up on my dream of having a girlfriend and i got one about a year and a half ago. we broke up now but it was good experience i guess lol.

PANICGAL

never give up.