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A bunch of telepathic Cenobite rejects looking for the secret of immortality get their jollies off by punking people, and end up ****ing with the wrong guy, putting him in a hotel room with a dead hooker (lol, good prank, bro), only to find out that he has the same mind powers that they do.

This movie is basically one big video game cutscene. Everything about it, from the framing to the pacing to the music, just screams off-brand survival horror. It doesn't help that they use a lot of ****ty models for the cityscape shots that look like bad PS1 renders. And the villains are hilariously generic (pasty bald british dudes in leather that congregate in grimy places with green lighting, i.e. every sci-fi villain ever).

Keifer Sutherland gives the worst performance of his life, playing a mad scientist that for some reasons insists on speaking in increments of just one or two words per breath.

In fact, this movie has a lot of people who have done so much better, but clearly couldn't be bothered to try to save this ****.

One thing I can say, though, is that this movie is still kinda entertaining, in spite of everything. Lots of goofy **** to laugh at.

Tried to be 12 Monkeys, ended up more like Waterworld. Bottom of the sci-fi barrel.

Cherry 2000. It's not the best movie ever, but it's pretty fun.

I seem to remember Dark City's dreary 90s alt metal music video atmosphere being too tedious to laugh at.

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Aw, **** yeah! My man! The most pimpin' of all the fops!

The Scarlet Pimpernel is a badass spy operating in revolution torn France, working overtime to put an end to the rampant executions staged by the chop-happy guillotien bois, led by the infamous Robespierre. The Frenchies hate this Pimpernel dude, and would love to put him on the block, but there's a problem; they've got no ****ing clue who he actually is. And they'd certainly never guess that he was actually a notoriously vapid aristocratic dandy who seemingly cares far more about parties and naughty limericks than daring heists and rescues. Add in some sex, violence, and intrigue aplenty, and you've got a timeless story with a bunch of film versions.

I've seen one of the versions before, but not this one. I liked this one, though. Maybe not super high budget, but the actors and actresses are skilled enough to bring the core story to life. The actor who plays the Pimpernel in particular is ****ing great.

Good times. Fun action, witty banter, and charm aplenty. Too bad this is only the first part of the story, the rest being on the other two tapes of a three tape set. And, lo, the person who dumped this beautiful pile of tapes of which I am reviewing did not deign to leave the whole set. Well, sink me.

After the **** shows of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Dark City, this breath of fresh air is enough to put a sweet orexis of vitality back into my loins and mind alike.

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You know what? This actually wasn't terrible. Pretty good tension. Not the best, but far, far, from the worst.

It's worth a watch just for this scene alone, which is probably the most unintentionally hilarious ventriloquist show ever. God, I was cracking up. It's like something Frownland would do to show Jeff Dunham how to make real art.



Oh, and there's a fun scene where the killer paints himself up to blend in with a wall, which is the most impractical thing ever, would have taken him hours (and actually, now that I think about it, probably wouldn't have even been possible for him to do all on his own), and would be useless in real life since anyone with depth perception who wasn't looking at you at just the right angle would still see a person jutting out of the wall. But it kinda looks creepy anyway.

https://sometimestimingiseverything....2015/04/th.jpg

So, yeah. S'alright.

I miss VHS :(

I miss Betacux.

Very nice!!!!!

I would have loved finding a pile of VHS tapes :)


Any they recorded themselves from analogue cable/TV??




Good for you Oriphiel!!

Nah, they're legit copies, not home recordings. I think I'd probably be too scared to pop in an unlabeled tape for fear of the inevitable freaky porn.

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Cute. I remember watching this when I was very young, and not really understanding what the **** was going. It's pretty good. Lots of great jokes and charm. Even the "tragic" ending is sort of treated like a "womp womp waaahhhh" moment.

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Guys, I'm not sure I can finish this movie. It's too much.

Val Kilmer gives one of the cringiest performances I've ever seen.

Starts with a flashback of the main guy growing up in a strict Catholic orphanage. When he and his bois sneak out of the dorm to meet up with the ladies, one of the nuns/teachers finds out, and she tells the head priest, who CHARGES OUT OF HIS ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF FUCKING ATTACK DOGS and sicks them on some poor girl, who goes flying off the landing and smashes her face on the ground and fucking dies.

Like, what?

Then the kid grows up to be Val Kilmer, and becomes a freelance spy. And by spy, I mean a guy who stumbles around as awful cultural stereotypes that he calls "disguises". His first disguise? A Russian (i.e. a guy with a Stalin stache) who for some reason has an Australian accent. Bravo, you stupid fuck.

Then he gets hired to steal the secret of cold fusion from some scientist lady, and finds out that she has a thing for sensitive guys. So he hangs out at her favorite monument dressed in a Fabio wig and leather pants, and awkwardly flirts with her in a bizarre Tommy Wisseau shit salad of an accent that just makes it sound like he has severe brain damage.

Then he stalks her, recites shitty poetry, pulls £800 out of his underwear, and cuts himself. And next thing you know, she's splooshing so hard she has to knock back some pills to keep her heart from exploding.

Then he decides that he likes her, and double crosses the overtly evil Russian guys who hired him to steal her research (who are also the same Russian dudes that he robbed at the beginning of the movie, but decided to work for them afterwards, 'cause why not).

And, yeah. I fell asleep. And I'm probably not gonna finish this stupid shit. Sorry.

Edit: I turned it back on, Crom help me. So the main guy ****ed the lady, decided to go through with the job after all and steal from her, and then acted all surprised when the evil Russians guys who hired him tried to stab him in the back. Aaaaaand now I'm done with his movie.

I can't figure out if he's a good actor who makes terrible career decisions or a less hilarious Nicholas Cage.

I'm pretty sure Val Kilmer is awful. Like Christian Slater. Not sure how either of them managed to sustain a career. At least Cage is super interesting to watch.

Isn't Cage supposed to have indie movie parts that are critically praised?

I don't know. But I'm told Bringing Out The Dead is a legit good Cage movie.'

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Bruh. Nicolas Cage as the Joker. It would be terribad but it would change the face of Batman movies. We could bring back some camp into superhero movies without sacrificing awesomeness.

I'd watch that. I saw Leto as the joker in a trailer and decided to give it a hard pass forever. Nicholas Cage seems born for that role. Leto absolutely not so.

Leto sucked. The weirdo gangster direction they wrote for him really didn't help but he did nothing to bring it to life. You're not missing anything.

I'd be curious about a rated-R Batman movie with the comic version of the Joker where he cut off his face and then wore it as a mask to destroy whatever remained of his humanity. It went a bit far in the direction of grimdark but was still menacing as ****. No idea who would play that part though.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f0/d0...367c63598b.jpg

You see the new joker from that new joker movie?

No idea what you're talking about.

Wait is that legit? **** a Joker origin story. He's a comic book interpretation of mythological trickster gods. His past doesn't matter. The only real time they ever delved into his backstory the writer explicitly said that this story wasn't necessarily canon because the Joker remembers nothing before becoming the Joker and he prefers his past to be "multiple choice".

That whole bit in The Dark Knight with the Joker telling multiple stories about how he got his scars was a canon-style representation of how he remembers his past. His past is whatever amuses him in the moment. But whatever he remembers in that moment is real to him in that moment. Or not. He doesn't care. All he cares about is what he is right the **** now, which is the Joker. The Joker is not a real person. I don't want an origin movie. Or at the very least, I don't want an origin movie that treats itself like an origin movie.

An origin movie that's a schizophrenic madhouse that's confusing to the audience could be ****ing fantastic, but I don't think the studio that brought us Man of Steel and Suicide Squad has that kind of movie in them.

Penguin Origins

aka Batman Returns

I thought the scarlet cape or what ever where he was a failing comedian and he falls into toxic waste was canon. And he goes crazy when he sees his reflection. Or is that the one where he says it's not canon.

Edit: Either way, I don't think this movie will be canon for anything with how inconsistent they are with world building. Kinda how they're going to treat Venom and the last two Spiderman movie universes.

The failed comedian thing is what is considered kinda sorta canon because it was the origin story by exactly the idea I was talking about in The Killing Joke. The Killing Joke specifically told that story. The "scarlet cape" was specifically The Red Hood origin wherein gangsters had some random patsy they'd give a red helmet and make him the ring leader but actually have the person be the guy who was supposed to take the fall. The character who would become the Joker was one of these people, a failed comedian who took the job to provide for his wife who was newly with child but was told just before the job had died in a freak accident with a toaster or something (reinforcing his idea of the world being chaos nonsense). Then he did the job and fell in a chemical vat that turned him into the Joker.

This story was also what I was talking about where he remembered this past but also revealed that this story was simply one in any number of possible pasts that he might remember at any time which might be just as feasible or be a complete fiction.

The reason this story was kinda sorta accepted as canon was simply because the story which that story revolved around has generally been considered to be the definitive Joker story, not because the origin story itself is important.

The Joker may or may not be a failed comedian. It doesn't matter. And the kinda sorta acceptance of this narrative is garbage and should be discarded as should any Joker origin story. The Joker shouldn't have an origin, and that aspect of The Killing Joke is the weakest aspect of that story and I imagine the writer would agree with me.

An excerpt from the comic that "canonized" the comedian thing.

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Good thread.

Buenos:
Leaving Las Vegas
Adaptation
Wild at Heart
Bringing out the Dead

Raising Arizona is great but not because of his acting, which is expendable.

This interview is informative and unintentionally hilarious.



I heard Mandy was cool.

“Pretty much just a bunch of estranged friends, each with their own brand of mid-life crisis, getting together for the funeral of a friend who slashed his wrists in the bathtub, and end up smoking pot, shooting the ****, and realizing just how ****ing boring life can become when you let your sense of fun and friendship slip away.”

If The Big Chill ever gets a Criterion release this needs to be the synopsis on the back cover.

ETA: It actually has a Criterion release. Well **** me.

Yea he went downhill...... His best movie was REAL GENIUS and after that he became unfriendly and only in it for the $$$$$!!

I have tried to email him and he wont respond,its very sad........

Did you enclose pictures of him with the eyes cut out?

:rofl:

No I forgot to buddy...

lulz

Get ready for part two: Reviewing a bunch of weird CAT III VCDs that I found in the back of a seedy Vietnamese store

^ This should be interesting but, once again, I gotta ask... was there any porn in the pile? :pimp:

Mayyyyyybe

What were you doing in the back of a seedy Vietnamese store?

Buying seeds, dumbass.