So you wake up in a forest...
 

Slipping out of a dream, you find yourself in the center of a small meadow, around which is a thick wall of trees. The dying branches sway in a calm breeze, autumnal flashes of color drifting to the ground with every motion.

Rubbing your tired eyes, you stand. Scattered in the grass around you are what appear to be bottles of alcohol, as well as small glass vials. You spot a glimmer as something catches the light in a nearby patch of grass. Stepping forward to examine the mysterious object, you feel something tap against your leg. Looking down at the source of the sensation, you realize that there is a longsword lashed across your waist, sheltered in a simple leather holster.

A strange noise erupts from the forest, punctuated by the rush of frightened birds taking flight. It sounds as if some mysterious beast is noisily approaching, snarling angrily.

What will you do?

---
???
---
Title: ???
Health: ???
Energy: ???
Inventory: ???

masturbate

with the reverse hand technique

Having no recollection of your identity, you conclude that the best course of action is get reacquainted with yourself, strange noise be damned. Unzipping your trousers, you decide to start with your genitals. They don't look familiar. You break them in, exploring them right then and there.

Suddenly, the source of the strange noise stumbles into the meadow. It is a massive, ferocious beast not unlike a lion, albeit with veiny wings sprouting out of its back. It appraises you, snarling through a mouthful of gigantic fangs.

Despite your fear, you suddenly have an orgasm. Huh. Maybe you have a thing for monsters, or something. Well, at this point, all info pertaining to your identity is good info, right? Logging the potential fetish into the back of your mind, you lift your trousers, sheathing one sword before pulling out the other, readying yourself for whatever may come next.

The monster rushes forth with a terrible roar.

What do you do?

---
???
---
Title: Quirky Jerker
Health: ???
Energy: ???
Inventory: ???

Approach the monster and say, "Greetings, Ori." :D

and then masturbate

As the monster draws near, rather than be rude, you decide to try and make friends with it. After all, considering your loss of memory, a friend would be much more useful right now than an enemy. Stepping towards the beast as it bounds across the meadow, you wave to it. "Ho there!" you call. "What's your name?"

"Oriiiiii!" the beast howls.

"Well, greetings, Ori!"

Just as you stick out a hand for the monster to shake, the beast crashes into you, determined to attack you in spite of your civility.

You take 1 damage, as the monster's forehead smarts your shins. Turns out that the beast's gigantic fangs are so big that it can't even open its jaws wide enough to bite you, and its wings are far too small to lift its bulky body into the sky.

Flapping its useless wings pathetically, the beast continues to headbutt you, however, without the momentum of a running start, it can't even match the 1 point of damage that it delivered with its initial attack.

Though the damage is slight, it gives you a rough idea of your endurance and pain threshold.

Eventually, the monster gives up on its attack, and sulks away.

As you watch it depart in dejection, shifting your weight onto your back leg, you feel something pressing against your thigh. There is something in your pocket.

What do you do?

---
???
---
Title: Quirky Jerker
Health: 19
Energy: ???
Inventory: Longsword

Grab one of the bottles and get drunk.

I attempt to seduce and distract/confuse the beast by emitting a piercing pterodactyl-like shriek while sauntering around in a circle alluringly.

Considering that you just survived what could have been a dangerous encounter, you decide to celebrate. Retrieving a bottle from the ground, you lift it up to your lips and finish what remains of its contents while the monster bawls to itself in the distance.

As the sweet hand of liquor takes hold of your spirits, you begin to feel bad for the poor impotent monster. Gathering up the bottles, you pour the drops dwelling in the bottom of each into two jugs, nearly filling the both of them. Thusly armed, you make your way to the mysterious beast and offer it one of the jugs.

The monster eyes you warily for a moment, before seizing the jug with its paws and throwing its head back, pouring the nourishing liquid through its teeth and into the throat behind.

The alcohol, being of the magical variety, is quite potent. Before long, the two of you are utterly smashed.

Your energy goes down by five. Though the strange drink is at first invigorating, it soon robs you of the power to stand. On the plus side, this gives you a rough idea of your level of energy.

As the jugs run dry, the two of you collapse into a heap, laughing and sobbing while trading stories. Although this at first proves somewhat difficult, considering that you can't actually remember enough about your past to impart any actual tales, you decide to just go with it, and make shit up. Turns out that you're actually pretty good at telling tall tales, because the monster buys them completely, chuckling and crying at all the proper intervals.

*Unlocked skill: Bullshit*

What will you do?

---
???
---
Title: Drunk Tugger
Health: 19
Energy: 15
Inventory: Longsword
Skills: Bullshit

Play disc golf with Ori

this is a cool idea but i think we could improve it by going full on MB D&D thread

Dogs & Drugs? I'm down.

Speaking of dogs I think one of my first forays into internet roleplaying was set in the All Dogs Go to Heaven universe (I initiated it and it just never quite took off, shockingly) which honestly needs to happen again
Orrrr just Anne of Green Gables AU open rp (but with demons and pestilence) ?

I'm gonna have to declare a Gamergate feud with you for trying to inject your lame, girly **** into our awesome, manly nerdiness.

I'm already writing a thinkpiece for Jezebel.com as I type this-- how is All Dogs Go to Heaven lame though??? I'll fight you.

Also I said Anne of Green Gables plus demons and pestilence. A hulked out and demonic Anne of Green Gables with 8 arms would be anything but lame and girly. (I'm still working on better ideas though; I'm consulting my expert d&d nerd friend at this very moment. Anne of Green Gables has to be involved in some way, it is non-negotiable)

yes

yes to everything said

OK how abouuutttt Grimdark Anne of Green Gables + Gargoyles + Buffy AU (including the evil mayor storyline maybe?) .. plus dogs who are ghosts(?)
I may be getting ahead of myself a little, here-- please carry on, Ori

I wanna play with characters too

Ori can you be a dungeon master and make characters out of our MB personas and then tasks us on adventures?

Might as well just play D&D.

Only if Ori does it.

Hey, you never know, the person in the forest might be you. Their identity hasn't been discovered yet.

It's not like that isn't what this whole forum has been leading up to.

The two of you wake the next morning, muttering curses and sheltering your eyes from the sun above as your magical hangovers kick your asses. Luckily, when it comes to magical liquors, the hangover that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and by midday, you regain the ability to think coherently.

Standing, you once again feel something jutting against your leg in your pocket. Fishing it out, you retrieve a strange metallic tube. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to help you to jog your memory, but that doesn't stop you from playing around with it. After prodding it a certain way, the tube suddenly turns into a multitude of metal strips, snapping into position as they uncoil and flower around a small gem in the center. It is a magical retractable disc!

Upon seeing the disc, Ori eyes you expectantly for a moment, before dashing off through the meadow. Obviously, he wants you to throw it to him. Shrugging, you acquiesce, and the disc flies from your hands. To your surprise, the sensation of tossing a disc whilst standing in a field littered with bottles and getting over a hangover seems like a perfectly natural combination. Perhaps one day they will make a sport out of it.

Ori bounds into the air as the disc flies by, just barely missing it with the grasp of his paws. And luckily so! For as the disc continues on towards the forest, it strikes the body of a tree, firmly embedding itself into the trunk. Apparently, the disc packs quite a punch.

Seeing the mutilation of the poor and innocent tree, Ori realizes how close he came to being maimed by your disc, and growls at you for a moment. However, being a good boy, he soon forgives you, and forgets all about his near death experience as he rolls around in the grass.

You can't help but find the strange disc to be cool, and desire to retrieve it. After all, it would no doubt be a useful weapon should anything attack you in the future. But at the same time, it's all the way over there, so fuck it. You decide to sleep off the final embers of your hangover instead.

To your amazement, as if knowing that you wished to retrieve it, the disc frees itself from the tree and comes spinning towards you. You watch with wide eyes, utterly stunned. Just before impact, the disc transforms back into a tube, and plants itself back in your palm.

Bitchin'.

The witnessing of such an awesome spectacle, as well as the wearing off of your hangover, gives you an energy boost of 2.

What do you do now?

---
???
---
Title: Dickish Disc Deployer
Health: 19
Energy: 17
Inventory: Longsword, Disc
Skills: Bullshit

throw your feces at ori

*faces

why

It really does feel inevitable

it's what i want

also there's **** like this

https://roll20.net/

Fantasy Grounds on Steam

Holy **** is that literally a browser version of full-on D&D? We gotta do it. I got booze.

yep. we just need a game master, i nominated ori or TH since they're the fiction nerds.

I'm a fair fantasy nerd, but I've never even played D&D and wouldn't even know how to approach being a DM. Also I'll be quite drunk.

if there's enough actual interest in it we could start a thread

i'd be down for sure

I'm in. I nominate Batlord for DM, inexperience be damned.

I'm willing, though admittedly I tend to get bored of generic fantasy settings (I usually didn't participate in exes' D&D campaigns as a result) which is why I keep suggesting all of these stupid and nonsensical settings.

it's mb

i promise it will be both stupid and nonsensical

Ok good, I'm in then.

and I too vote for Bat as DM

What the ****? I don't even know how to play D&D, let alone know what a DM even does.

Well I'm assuming this would be a very very simplified version of your typical d&d campaign without a whole lot of structure/tedious rules to adhere to.

Actually what about bulbasaur, he'd be the perfect DM

He would.