Trollheart

Adam was a happy man. He spent all day watching WWE (World Wombat Entertainment) or the kangaroo boxing, ate what fruit he wanted and flung the cores over his shoulder, and generally kicked back. But something was missing from his life. He dropped to his knees and asked God for a companion.

Now God was more than a little pissed off with Adam. He had created his fingers to the bone to make Eden a real, y'know, paradise, and here was this ungrateful, graceless creature making a mess of it and seeming not to appreciate it. So when Adam requested a partner to join him in his mancave, God decided to play a trick on him.

When Adam woke up the next morning and looked around for the wombats none were to be seen, and the 'roos seemed to be busy doing something odd in the distance that entailed --- huh? Picking things up? What was the point of that, he thought? Something falls, you leave it, it don't fall no further. Sure someone would clean it up eventually. (He was unaware, and cared less, that God had been up to now sending his angels to clean up Adam's mess, and the boys was getting tired of it, threatening to go on strike).

Then he heard an ear-piercing, blood-curdling shriek. He clapped his hands over his ears. He had never heard such a din in his life! What could be making such a sound? He turned to see a voluptuous figure standing behind him. Now his first reaction was to look at the form and the beauty of this creature, and he grinned lasciviously. But then he realised with horror that it was from this gorgeous creature that the awful sound was emanating. Of course, he had never heard anyone speak his name before, so he didn't realise at first that she was calling him.

"A-dam! ADAM!" she shrieked. "Adam! What a mess! Get this cleaned up immediately! You think God wants you to live in this PIG STY? Look at yourself! Comb your hair! Round up those wallabies! Help me with my beaver --- NO THIS ONE! He's SICK! Now, after breakfast there are a lot of little jobs I need doing. Things are going to change around here!"

Adam wondered what he could call the strange creature. He admitted she was really pretty and the thing between his legs agreed, but deep down inside of him something was dying, till he realised he must take control or forever bow to this new creature. He drew himself up to his full height, mustered all the authority into his voice he could and said loudly "Whoa, man!"

She immediately rounded on him. "Don't you Wo-man ME! My name is Eve, and you had better get used to it! You've had things your own way for too long...."

Somewhere thunder rumbled, but Adam knew with a sinking feeling it was God laughing at him...

BUT SOME BELIEVE THE REVERSE TO BE TRUE, AND SAY WOMAN WAS THE FIRST CREATURE GOD CREATED...

Lillith was bored. Sure, being the first woman on Earth was cool and all, but she had nobody to share it with. Nobody to tell her how beautiful she was, nobody to help her in the many little jobs that needed to be done around the Garden of Eden. A sister, that was what she needed. She turned to God, who agreed there was a problem and it needed to be solved, but not today. He had a hangover. His head hurt.

But Lillith wouldn't stop and God knew what the Woman could be like when she wanted her own way, so grumbling He gathered Himself up and dragged Himself to the oven, heaved in some clay, set the timer and promptly fell asleep.

Two days later He awoke to the sound of the timer beeping like crazy. "****!" He swore testily, "I've overslept! Bloody Lillith!" And opening the oven door with an impending sense of dread, He removed the clay, irritated to find it was ruined. Where fine, proud breasts should have been was a flat, formless mass, and worse, some of the clay had dripped and formed some really unsightly growth between the thing's legs.

But God was not in the mood to start again, and besides, He needed a drink. "Ah, damn!" He snarled, forgetting that His First Words would give the creature both life and its name. It opened its eyes. It spoke. "A-dam", it said. "My name is Adam". God looked down at it, a newborn life, and couldn't destroy it. Besides, He needed a drink. I mean, really, physically needed one. "Yeah," He slurred, "Adam. That's you. Welcome to life son, you can have it. Bloody overrated say I!" He sighed, belched loudly.

"Sod it!" spake He, "it'll do. That bitch will never know. Sure how different could this Adam be to her? It's not a sister but, what the hey, it should keep her quiet for a while. I'm sure they'll get on well enough."

And lo, He did head off to the pub for a bracer, and forgot all about His creation, which made its way down to Earth. And so Adam was born, but he spent all Lillith's currency on booze and soon God had to evict them from Eden. Lillith never forgave him, and swore that for all eternity, men adn women would never see eye to eye.

And the moral of that story is: never create a life form when you're three sheets to the wind...

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018