Things Not To Say On/At:
 

Here's a thread to channel your vulgar and crude side. Essentially this is the thread where you can say the worst possible things you can think of, in an imaginary scenario.

Here's two of mine:

Things Not to Say to A Judge:

"I swear to God judge, she didn't taste 15"

Things Not To Say on A First Date:

"Be right back, I gotta puke piss out my cunt fucker"

To the police:
"What's in your trunk sir?"
"I'm not telling until you guess first"

To the police:
I have weed in my pocket.

During An Interview:
Interviewer: So what would you say your biggest strength is?
Interviewee: Uh, this one time I lifted a wet towel with my erection. It wasn't even one of those tiny washcloths either, it was a full-length shower towel. Real deal, bro.

To your girlfriend's parents:

"Don't worry, I'll have her home by 11. I'll be done by then."

First time proffering anal:

Up the bum, No babies.

from a girlfriend during sex

i like that you haven't shaved in a few days... it reminds me of my uncle.

offensive jewellery store name and advertising slogan

The Eternal Jeweller has the "final solution" to all your jewellery needs.

When robbing a bank:

Please.

After a rape:

Thanks.

I think I can match your rape one

"now now, let's not turn this rape into murder"

Raped.
To death

Rape ones = not cool.

To one night stand:
Your cat was tighter.

Just After Having Sex:

"Are condoms suppose to have those big tears down the side?"

To Your Boss:

"I know, I can't believe I sound that convincing over the phone either."

To McDonald's

"I would like..."

To the police officer:

Go ahead, even if you dig the whole ****ing thing up you'll only find a finger. . . maybe.

to your girlfriend:

"will you marry me?"

While Donating Blood

"Syphilis and gonorrhea cancel each other out right?"

at a funeral:

i'm so sorry for your loss man, your mom had THE best tits and pussy around.


to the police:

no, don't look there, that's where i hide my stash!

When getting raunchy with a guy:

Awww, it's so cute.

or "ok, now put the whole thing in"

To a chick at a bar:

"You probably recognize me from NBC's Dateline"

Wow...
That's nuclear ammo right there.

when talking to a guy with palsy

Do you know anything about fixing bikes?

(I actually asked a palsied guy this question):o:

A palsied guy? When did that become PC?

I think it's a neutral description of a guy with cerebral palsy. It might sound a bit early 20th centuryish, but I haven't ever needed to refer to it in everyday speech, so I don't what the acceptable word is.

To any girl not into RPG's

"So you wanna ride my +69 Staff of Penetration?"