The Official Joke Thread

[under]

A child goes to his mother and asks "mommy, i have this brown stuff on my face and i dont know what it is, is it chocolate or dog poop?"
The mother takes a piece of it and puts a bit in her mouth and says, "its chocolate"

[henry]

i dont get it

[Terrible Lizard]

Two vampires walk into a bar, one of them orders a glass of hot water. The other turns to him in confusion and asks "Why did you order water?" Smiling the vampire pulls out a tampon with a fresh stain of blood and places it in the glass stirring it with his finger.
"I was in the mood for tea tonight."

[henry]

hahaha

[LoathsomePete]

Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard

Two vampires walk into a bar, one of them orders a glass of hot water. The other turns to him in confusion and asks "Why did you order water?" Smiling the vampire pulls out a tampon with a fresh stain of blood and places it in the glass stirring it with his finger.
"I was in the mood for tea tonight."

Dude that's friggin nasty, i love it!

Alright this one is kind of long but it's worth it so keep reading.

So a kid is out shopping with his mum, the kid is about 6 years old so he's still in the impressionable stage of his life. His mum goes into the changing room to try on some dresses and leaves him out in the waiting area. Boredom soon grabs hold of the kid who sees a mannequin wearing a dress, then curiosity takes hold as he begins to pull up the dress to see what's underneath. His mother comes out of the dressing room and sees his hand reaching up the leg and she yells "Jeffrey no! women have teeth there, you'll lose your hand!". Jeffrey quickly retreats his hand and is visibly frightened. His mother scolds him and warns him never to look up a skirt or put his hand there ever again and they go home.

10 years have passed and Jeffrey's parents are now out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone for the first time. He's been homeschooled his entire life but met a girl through a friend and now she's over at his house and making out with him on the couch. After awhile of making out she tells him "you can go a little lower if you want". Jeffrey is not amused with this a boldly states "there's no way in hell I'm going down there, women have teeth there!". The girl is reasonably confused and says "what are you talking about, women don't have teeth in their vagina." Jeffrey's not having it and is convinced that they do and says "yes they do, my mother told me so and my mother would never lie to me." Seeing that she won't be able to convince him otherwise without proof she lifts up her skirt and shows him her vagina and says "see, no teeth." Jeffrey takes a good look and says "yeah well with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised"

[Surell]

Those jokes are just wayyyyy lame I'm sorry to say. But I'm not a big fan of puns.

[Terrible Lizard]

Originally Posted by Pobodys_Nerfect

Dude that's friggin nasty, i love it!

Alright this one is kind of long but it's worth it so keep reading.

So a kid is out shopping with his mum, the kid is about 6 years old so he's still in the impressionable stage of his life. His mum goes into the changing room to try on some dresses and leaves him out in the waiting area. Boredom soon grabs hold of the kid who sees a mannequin wearing a dress, then curiosity takes hold as he begins to pull up the dress to see what's underneath. His mother comes out of the dressing room and sees his hand reaching up the leg and she yells "Jeffrey no! women have teeth there, you'll lose your hand!". Jeffrey quickly retreats his hand and is visibly frightened. His mother scolds him and warns him never to look up a skirt or put his hand there ever again and they go home.

10 years have passed and Jeffrey's parents are now out of town for the weekend, leaving him alone for the first time. He's been homeschooled his entire life but met a girl through a friend and now she's over at his house and making out with him on the couch. After awhile of making out she tells him "you can go a little lower if you want". Jeffrey is not amused with this a boldly states "there's no way in hell I'm going down there, women have teeth there!". The girl is reasonably confused and says "what are you talking about, women don't have teeth in their vagina." Jeffrey's not having it and is convinced that they do and says "yes they do, my mother told me so and my mother would never lie to me." Seeing that she won't be able to convince him otherwise without proof she lifts up her skirt and shows him her vagina and says "see, no teeth." Jeffrey takes a good look and says "yeah well with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised"

*spews drink over self*

LOL!


On a average school day I was sitting in my Chemistry class, the lights were off and the overhead gave a burnt out image of the notes for the next quiz. I began to space out, attempting to blot out the horrifying image of Mrs. Kay the 300 pound teacher, squatting over to pick up the next sheet. Shaking her bulbous head, she told Christina; a smug blonde in front of me, to watch the class, and she departed dragging her walrus form with her.

Minutes later, Brady a blonde kid who sat to my right was standing having an arguement with his friend Tom who sat two rows behind, something to do with the "Abe Lincoln" maneuver, it was at that moment that Mrs. Kay walked in.
Spotting her Brady yelled " A WILD SNORLAX APPEARS!"

Tom taking queue from the back responded "I USE A MASTERBALL!"

[midnight rain]

Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,

Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.

I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.

I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.

So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.

No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.

Signed,

Everyone Not Like You

[Surell]

Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard

On a average school day I was sitting in my Chemistry class, the lights were off and the overhead gave a burnt out image of the notes for the next quiz. I began to space out, attempting to blot out the horrifying image of Mrs. Kay the 300 pound teacher, squatting over to pick up the next sheet. Shaking her bulbous head, she told Christina; a smug blonde in front of me, to watch the class, and she departed dragging her walrus form with her.

Minutes later, Brady a blonde kid who sat to my right was standing having an arguement with his friend Tom who sat two rows behind, something to do with the "Abe Lincoln" maneuver, it was at that moment that Mrs. Kay walked in.
Spotting her Brady yelled " A WILD SNORLAX APPEARS!"

Tom taking queue from the back responded "I USE A MASTERBALL!"

D: That's fucking awful!

[LoathsomePete]

Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard

*spews drink over self*

LOL!


On a average school day I was sitting in my Chemistry class, the lights were off and the overhead gave a burnt out image of the notes for the next quiz. I began to space out, attempting to blot out the horrifying image of Mrs. Kay the 300 pound teacher, squatting over to pick up the next sheet. Shaking her bulbous head, she told Christina; a smug blonde in front of me, to watch the class, and she departed dragging her walrus form with her.

Minutes later, Brady a blonde kid who sat to my right was standing having an arguement with his friend Tom who sat two rows behind, something to do with the "Abe Lincoln" maneuver, it was at that moment that Mrs. Kay walked in.
Spotting her Brady yelled " A WILD SNORLAX APPEARS!"

Tom taking queue from the back responded "I USE A MASTERBALL!"

That's a pretty anorexic Snorlax, those buggers weighed at least 600 to 900 lbs.

*Puts on serious face*

I have to agree with Surell though that's pretty mean spirited.