A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

So there are two deaf people--husband and wife. They decide they need some way to communicate when they need or don't need sex so they decide on the following:

Wife says, "if you want sex, pull my left breast, if you don't want sex pull my right breast."

Man says "Fine. If you want sex pull on my penis once, if you don't want sex pull on my penis 250 times."

How would that work if they're deaf?

Closed captioning sponsored by left and right ass cheek.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into
a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee
all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



MORAL? :: Don't Mess with Old People!!

That's a pretty good one.

Lemme just say, that was pretty sick.

I was at my girlfriend's house last night and we started kissing and cuddling. Then as I lay on the bed, she started stripping. At the sight of her young nubile body, I almost came in my pants. A personal best for me seeing as they were 20 yards away on the landing.

A man dies and goes to hell. He's wandering around in hell panicing and shouting "oh my god i'm in hell, how am i going to get out of here??!! After wandering around for a while he finally meets satan. Satan asks him "are you ok?". The man replies "oh god how on earth did i end up here, i shouldn't be here". Satan replies "ok ok calm down take it easy, here have a beer". Satan hands the man a beer and the man says "hey thanks".
Satan then tells him "every Monday you can have all the drink you want, we have every drink you can imagine and the rivers here flow beer". The man is impressed. "Sounds good" he says. Satan then asks him "do you smoke?". The man replies "of course i do, i've been a chain-smoker all my life. And i died of cancer so thats why im here". Satan says " good, good, on Tuesdays you can smoke all the cigarettes you want, all day, we have mountains of them". The man is even more impressed "i like the sound of that" he says with a smile.
Satan then asks him "do you do drugs?". The man replies "hell yes i love drugs!!". Satan replies "On Wednesdays you can have all the drugs you want, we have every drug you can imagine and you dont have to worry about ODing because you're already dead". The man says "brilliant, it's not so bad here afterall! I might stay here!".
Satan then asks him "are you g@Y?" the man replies "sorry??". "Are you g@y?" satan replies. The man replies "No i'm not g@y, not at all". Satan then shakes his head and says "oh man, you're NOT going to like Thursdays".

A joke just like that which took place in a bar was In a movie, maybe desperado? Maybe with steven siegal?

Little Jennifer is 6 years old. One day she's wandering around her house and comes to her parents' bedroom where her mom is fresh out of the shower, naked, getting ready for work. Jennifer points to the strip of hair between her mom's legs and asks,
"What's that, Mommy?"
"That's a vagina, Jennifer."
"When do I get one?"
"Oh, I'd say in about 8 years or so."
So Jennifer wanders off ecstatic at the prospect of having her own vagina in 8 years.
A while later she comes back to her parents' bedroom to find her father naked, fresh out of the shower.
She points to the piece of meat hanging between his legs and asks,
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That's a penis, Jennifer."
"Oh wow! When do I get one?"
"In about 10 minutes when your mom goes to work."










ouch.

Who will win if two chavs are fighting on a cliff?
Society.

What's the difference between a chav and a basketball?
You aren't allowed to kick on a basketball.

How do you stop a chav from drowning?
Take your foot off his head

What do chavs use for protection when having sex?
A bus shelter

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Are'nt "chavs" like the terrible people of scottland?

Whats the good thing about alzheimers ?

You can hide your own easter eggs.........

Erm... close enough. The chav sub-culture only seems to exist in the UK and Ireland for some reason. 'Chav' is the general term for them but every region have their own slang words for them.

http://www.bkkguru.com/images/thai-dek-waen/chavs.jpg

Why won't tampons talk to me?

Because they're stuck-up cunts.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What has eight legs and makes women scream?

Gang rape.

(I know it's bad; although, statistically speaking, 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape.)

What's the worst thing about sex with children?

Cleaning the blood off of your clown costume.

these jokes are hilariouss! Nice jobb ;P

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor

Why does Micheal Jackson like twenty-three year olds?

Come on. There's twenty of 'em!

In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the silence.

Baby abuse jokes are in no way funny. Seriously, is it just going for as edgy as possible while failing at humor?

Lawllz.

I luld.

I hate these baby jokes, and those little girl rape jokes that ElephantSack and the other user are posting. Jokes are supposed to be comical, not disturbing or just plain grotesque.

You're comical... does that mean you're a joke?

It is a pretty swell joke.

If there are people laughing, then it holds comedic value.
I certainly don't find certain types of humor funny, but I'm not Wiki editor about it.

An Englishman, a Chinaman, a Mexican, and a Irishman are all on a hot-air balloon ride around the world. As the balloon travels over China, the Chinaman suddenly stands on the side of the basket and shouts "For China!" and jumps out of the balloon. The rest of the guys continue flying around the world. As the balloon travels over Mexico, the Mexican stands on the side of the basket like the Chinamen and shouts "For Mexico!" and jumps out of the balloon. Now it is just the Englishman and the Irishman. They remark to one another how it is foolish to commit suicide for one's country, and have no intentions of jumping. Then, as the balloon begins to fly over England, the Englishman shouts "For England!" and throws the Irishman out of the balloon.

A blonde sits down next to an elderly man at a food court.
The blonde starts looking at the man, trying to find a way to start a conversation. Finally, the blonde turns to him and says, "TGIF!"
The man glances at her, and says, "Shit."
The blonde is confused, so she repeats "TGIF."
The man just replies, "SHIT."
The blonde gives up, and decides to explain. "No, 'TGIF' means 'thank god it's friday'."
The man turns to her and says, "No 'SHIT'. 'sorry honey it's thursday'."

Meh...

I've got a joke like that, only an American version.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan and two Mexicans are on a small plane and its going down. They throw off all the luggage, unbolt all the seats and throw them off, and yet they still need to lose weight.
The Frenchman walks to the hatch and shouts, "Viva la France!" and jumps out. But they still need to lose weight.
So the Englishman walks up to the hatch and yells, "God Save the Queen!" and jumps out. But they're still a little heavy.
So the Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out the two Mexicans.

Hey man, everybody's got different senses of humor. If the joke doesn't make you laugh, **** it. Shrug it off and move on. Its not like I'm at home slamming babies on concrete and ****ing little girls. They're just jokes. Some of them will work for ya, and some of 'em won't. So don't come in here and try to tell everybody "what a joke should be". That's ****in' prudish. Now, if ya like, I'll tell a clean joke that is sure to offend no-one.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?

You stay here. I'll go on a head.





Funny, nobody batted an eye at the racist jokes.

:yikes:
I'm offended.

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey, I got that joke on vinyl!

Why is The Bible like a penis?

As a child, you get it forced down your throat by a priest.

can we please stop with the hat jokes? I don't find this sorta humor funny and quite frankly it disturbs me that so many people would. I own several hats so this topic really hits home with me, thanks for understanding.