The Official Joke Thread

Mykonos · 09-07-2011, 04:12 PM

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

djhavik@hotmail.co.uk · 09-08-2011, 11:32 AM

Lmaoo at all of these..

roberttrailer · 09-14-2011, 02:12 AM

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? << -Shudders-
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
@_@

Thom Yorke · 09-21-2011, 05:43 PM

A man walks into a bar. Except this bar was a metal bar, like a pole. Anyways, he got hurt.

Three guys walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid and the scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Congratulations, Amy Whinehouse: sober for 60 days and counting.

Q: What is black and hangs from trees in my backyard?
A: Blackberries

Most men think the bigger the penis they have, the more pleasure they can give to a woman. Most women don't agree because they don't have a penis.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are standing on the edge of a cliff. The Englishman and the Irishman jump off. The Scottsman says, "Oh, ****!"

Three black guys sit down to have lunch at the basketball court. One black man reaches in his pack and pulls out a watermelon. The second black man reaches in his basket and pulls out some fried chicken and a pan of cornbread. They both look expectantly towards their friend as he opens up his pack. Right as he opens it, however, his cell phone goes off. Upon completing the call, he hangs up and looks at his two friends. "My financial aid got approved, guys!" he exclaims. Both of his friends congratulate him on finally making it to college. They are so proud.

Thom Yorke · 09-21-2011, 06:05 PM

Joe goes next door to greet his new neighbour. The two men hit it off and when the topic of occupation comes up, the neighbour said he was a statistician.

"What does that mean?" says Joe.

"Well, let me show you," says the neighbour. "Do you have a doghouse, Joe?"

"Why, yes I do."

"Ok, I'm going to assume that because you have a doghouse, it's pretty likely you have a dog, correct?"

"Yes, I do have a dog."

"Well, if you have a dog I'm led to believe you probably have a family as well."

"Yes, that's true."

"And if you have a family I'm inclined to believe you're married."

"Yep."

"And if you're married, I think it's safe to assume you're heterosexual?"

"Yes."

"See," says the neighbour. "Just by asking whether or not you had a doghouse, I was able to infer what your sexuality was through statistics."

The two men talked a bit more and then Joe left for work. Throughout the day he was very intrigued with what his neighbour had talked about so he decided to talk about it with a man he sat next to on the bus-ride home.

"Hey, man," says Joe. "Do you know anything about statisticians?"

"No," says the man. "What do they do?"

"Well, here, let me show you," says Joe. "Do you happen to own a doghouse?"

"No," says the man.

"Oh, so you're one of those homos, huh?"

Thom Yorke · 09-29-2011, 01:26 PM

"My cock is bigger!" "No! My cock is bigger!"- Two cock fighters arguing about who has a bigger dick

"Do you know how fast you were going, sir?" - Cop who forgot his radar gun at home

"Nothing beats waking up early to go to the airport." – A guy playing a board game who just played his “waking up early to go to the airport” card, which trumps all

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Some dick trying their very best to make you cry

Howard the Duck · 09-29-2011, 06:23 PM

Q. what the rat get for his birthday?

A. a bicycle

Q. if there are two holes in the wall, how you do know which one is the rat hole?

A. the one with the bicycle parked next to it

lucifer_sam · 10-03-2011, 12:29 PM

My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club.

If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it.

CanwllCorfe · 12-21-2011, 05:10 PM

One day a Jewish boy asked his father for money. He asked "Father, lend me fifty dollars!" His father replied, "Fourty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

Salami · 12-22-2011, 05:40 AM

I was really late for a meeting. I was driving around outside the building trying to park, but I couldn't find a place anywhere. Everywhere was really busy and there were cars everywhere.
In desperation, I turned to God: "Holy Father, Please help me out and give me a place to park. If you do, I shall forever afterwards be your servant and worship you every day".

Sure enough, a car just left a spot right outside the building.

"Oh wait, never mind God, I just spotted one."

09-07-2011, 04:12 PM	#371 (permalink)
Mykonos AWhatup Ganache? Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 381	I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show. You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship. __________________ 'Not that Becktionary, the Rhyming Becktionary!'- Bender Bending Rodriguez

09-14-2011, 02:12 AM	#373 (permalink)
roberttrailer Groupie Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 1	You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? << -Shudders- Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? @_@ __________________ No links!

10-03-2011, 12:29 PM	#378 (permalink)
lucifer_sam Unrepentant Ass-Mod Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 3,921	My wife is finally losing weight thanks to a slimming club. If she goes near the fridge, I hit her with it. __________________ first.am

12-21-2011, 05:10 PM	#379 (permalink)
CanwllCorfe Quiet Man in the Corner Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Pocono Mountains Posts: 2,480	One day a Jewish boy asked his father for money. He asked "Father, lend me fifty dollars!" His father replied, "Fourty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?" __________________ Your eyes were never yet let in to see the majesty and riches of the mind, but dwell in darkness; for your God is blind.

09-08-2011, 11:32 AM	#372 (permalink)
djhavik@hotmail.co.uk Groupie Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Manchester, UK Posts: 4	Lmaoo at all of these..

09-21-2011, 05:43 PM	#374 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	A man walks into a bar. Except this bar was a metal bar, like a pole. Anyways, he got hurt. Three guys walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid and the scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. Congratulations, Amy Whinehouse: sober for 60 days and counting. Q: What is black and hangs from trees in my backyard? A: Blackberries Most men think the bigger the penis they have, the more pleasure they can give to a woman. Most women don't agree because they don't have a penis. An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are standing on the edge of a cliff. The Englishman and the Irishman jump off. The Scottsman says, "Oh, ****!" Three black guys sit down to have lunch at the basketball court. One black man reaches in his pack and pulls out a watermelon. The second black man reaches in his basket and pulls out some fried chicken and a pan of cornbread. They both look expectantly towards their friend as he opens up his pack. Right as he opens it, however, his cell phone goes off. Upon completing the call, he hangs up and looks at his two friends. "My financial aid got approved, guys!" he exclaims. Both of his friends congratulate him on finally making it to college. They are so proud.

09-21-2011, 06:05 PM	#375 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	Joe goes next door to greet his new neighbour. The two men hit it off and when the topic of occupation comes up, the neighbour said he was a statistician. "What does that mean?" says Joe. "Well, let me show you," says the neighbour. "Do you have a doghouse, Joe?" "Why, yes I do." "Ok, I'm going to assume that because you have a doghouse, it's pretty likely you have a dog, correct?" "Yes, I do have a dog." "Well, if you have a dog I'm led to believe you probably have a family as well." "Yes, that's true." "And if you have a family I'm inclined to believe you're married." "Yep." "And if you're married, I think it's safe to assume you're heterosexual?" "Yes." "See," says the neighbour. "Just by asking whether or not you had a doghouse, I was able to infer what your sexuality was through statistics." The two men talked a bit more and then Joe left for work. Throughout the day he was very intrigued with what his neighbour had talked about so he decided to talk about it with a man he sat next to on the bus-ride home. "Hey, man," says Joe. "Do you know anything about statisticians?" "No," says the man. "What do they do?" "Well, here, let me show you," says Joe. "Do you happen to own a doghouse?" "No," says the man. "Oh, so you're one of those homos, huh?"

09-29-2011, 01:26 PM	#376 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	"My cock is bigger!" "No! My cock is bigger!"- Two cock fighters arguing about who has a bigger dick "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?" - Cop who forgot his radar gun at home "Nothing beats waking up early to go to the airport." – A guy playing a board game who just played his “waking up early to go to the airport” card, which trumps all "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Some dick trying their very best to make you cry

12-22-2011, 05:40 AM	#380 (permalink)
Salami Get in ma belly Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Derbyshire Posts: 1,385	I was really late for a meeting. I was driving around outside the building trying to park, but I couldn't find a place anywhere. Everywhere was really busy and there were cars everywhere. In desperation, I turned to God: "Holy Father, Please help me out and give me a place to park. If you do, I shall forever afterwards be your servant and worship you every day". Sure enough, a car just left a spot right outside the building. "Oh wait, never mind God, I just spotted one."