The Official Joke Thread

FETCHER. · 03-04-2011, 01:26 PM

I love HMV!

What kind of biscuit flys? Just a wee plain one *plane action with hand*

~~James~~ · 03-04-2011, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurora

I love HMV!

If I need a cd in town, I go to Avalanche Records.

FETCHER. · 03-04-2011, 01:47 PM

Couldn't even tell you where it is...

~~James~~ · 03-04-2011, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurora

Couldn't even tell you where it is...

:O
Next to the train station.

FETCHER. · 03-04-2011, 02:08 PM

Which one, central, argyll or queen st? silly!

~~James~~ · 03-04-2011, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurora

Which one, central, argyll or queen st? silly!

Touche. Queen street, just up the stairs. Next to the camping shop and the best kebab in glasgow shop.

Zer0 · 03-11-2011, 07:19 AM

The results of staying up until 5 this morning drinking with friends...

What's the first mention of drugs in the bible?
The woman getting stoned

What's the first mention of football in the bible?
When Jesus went in for the cross

What did Jesus say when he woke up on the cross?
Ah **** I was hammered last night

A chicken and an egg wake up in bed together. The chicken turns to the egg and says "well at least we know who came first"

What's red and invisible?
No tomato

That's all I can remember at the moment

Howard the Duck · 03-11-2011, 07:51 PM

this is a homphobic one I made up myself:-

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are usually up Uranus

~~[MERIT]~~ · 03-19-2011, 03:23 PM

A man went to the city office to pick up his Social Security check. It was Friday and 5pm, so the office was just getting ready to close. The man got to the window and he realized that he had forgotten his ID. The teller told him that she could not give him the check without his ID. The man begged and pleaded with her.

The teller finally gave in. She told him that he certainly looked old enough to draw Social Security. She told him to lift up his shirt. If he had gray chest hair, he would definitely be old enough, and she would give him the check. The man lifted his shirt, revealing gray chest hair. The teller gave him his check, and he went home.

When the man got home, he told his wife what had happened. His wife was amazed. She said "Damn, if that worked you should have dropped your pants, you may have gotten a Disability check too!"

Thom Yorke · 03-19-2011, 03:45 PM

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk:

Specificity
Anti-constitutionalistically
Passive-aggressive disorder
Transubstantiate

Things that are impossible to say when you're drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me!

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

McDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry, and I'm trying to watch my weight.

Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

I'm not interested in fighting you.

Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.

I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

03-11-2011, 07:19 AM	#337 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	The results of staying up until 5 this morning drinking with friends... What's the first mention of drugs in the bible? The woman getting stoned What's the first mention of football in the bible? When Jesus went in for the cross What did Jesus say when he woke up on the cross? Ah ** I was hammered last night A chicken and an egg wake up in bed together. The chicken turns to the egg and says "well at least we know who came first" What's red and invisible? No tomato That's all I can remember at the moment __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound**

03-11-2011, 07:51 PM	#338 (permalink)
Howard the Duck Live by the Sword Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Posts: 9,075	this is a homphobic one I made up myself:- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are usually up Uranus

03-19-2011, 03:23 PM	#339 (permalink)
~~[MERIT]~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Missouri, USA Posts: 4,814	A man went to the city office to pick up his Social Security check. It was Friday and 5pm, so the office was just getting ready to close. The man got to the window and he realized that he had forgotten his ID. The teller told him that she could not give him the check without his ID. The man begged and pleaded with her. The teller finally gave in. She told him that he certainly looked old enough to draw Social Security. She told him to lift up his shirt. If he had gray chest hair, he would definitely be old enough, and she would give him the check. The man lifted his shirt, revealing gray chest hair. The teller gave him his check, and he went home. When the man got home, he told his wife what had happened. His wife was amazed. She said "Damn, if that worked you should have dropped your pants, you may have gotten a Disability check too!"

03-19-2011, 03:45 PM	#340 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk: Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk: Specificity Anti-constitutionalistically Passive-aggressive disorder Transubstantiate Things that are impossible to say when you're drunk: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me! Sorry, but you're not really my type. McDonald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry, and I'm trying to watch my weight. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. I'm not interested in fighting you. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.