The Official Joke Thread

poppie · 01-15-2011, 03:36 PM

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"

poppie · 01-19-2011, 02:05 PM

Celebrity Gas

Have you ever noticed that dogs often bear a striking resemblance to their owners? Similarly, farts often bring a certain person to mind. Read on, and I think you'll get the picture. Or at least a whiff of the picture.

The Bill Clinton Fart:
Deny, deny DENY!

The Monica Lewinsky Fart:
A fart occurs. There is a denial, accusations, and a big investigation. Later it is revealed that evidence has been left behind, undeniably implicating the person who really farted, and embarrassing those who participated in the cover-up.

The OJ Simpson Fart:
A double-fart occurs, and it's a very ugly scene. Evidence is not only found at the scene, but in in the underwear of the perpetrator, who claims that those who investigated the fart have planted the evidence. The farter vows to search and find the real farter to show that he is innocent, but all leads point back to the originally accused farter, with the evidence in his pants.

The Don King Fart:
The farter is nearly knocked out by his own fart -- and is left with the Don King hairdo and wide-eyed look.

The Dr. Laura Fart:
For the sake of your children, you left the room to fart. When you returned, you explained to them that you are sorry you left for a moment, but it was the responsible thing to do to protect their well-being.

The Jack Kevorkian Fart:
You emit a series of fart, each growing louder and more painful than the last. You begin to pray that the next one will be you last.

The Sadam Hussain Fart:
You strongly suspect that biological warfare has begun, and call for United Nations inspectors... and CNN.

The Truman Show Fart:
You get the strange feeling that although you are alone, someone may be watching. When you feel a fart coming, you decide to give them an audio/visual display that they won't forget.

The Dennis Rodman Fart:
Something's green, and you know it really shouldn't be.

poppie · 01-23-2011, 06:48 PM

I have no drinking problem here.
first i drink then i get drunk then i fall down
no problem!...

The Batlord · 01-29-2011, 01:15 PM

Last summer I was on a pirate ship. I was walking on deck one day and I see the Captain steering the ship. Except his balls are tied to the steering wheel. So I go up to him, and I ask him, "Doesn't that hurt?". And he says, "Ar! It drives me nuts!"

Thom Yorke · 02-02-2011, 07:25 PM

Q: Did you hear what happened to the skinny guy that got thrown in the lion pit?

A: He ate 3 before they could pull him out.

Classic...

ThePhanastasio · 02-03-2011, 12:27 AM

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It's an obscure number...you wouldn't know it.

Thom Yorke · 02-03-2011, 01:49 AM

Q: What do you call a Middle Eastern man in the ****pit of a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist.

Q:What did the coffee mug say to the shot glass?
A: Nothing. Drinking vessels can't talk, nor do they have any semblance of consciousness. To anthropomorphize them would be ludicrous.

Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

Q:What did the German say to the black jew?
A: I'm not sure, I don't speak German.

I told my brother the best anti joke I've ever heard in my life the other day.
He didn't laugh. He is autistic and doesn't understand humour.

The Batlord · 02-03-2011, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thom Yorke

Q: Did you hear what happened to the skinny guy that got thrown in the lion pit?

A: He ate 3 before they could pull him out.

Classic...

Oh god, that's so dumb.

Zer0 · 02-08-2011, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thom Yorke

Q: What do you call a Middle Eastern man in the ****pit of a plane?
A: A pilot, you racist.

Q:What did the coffee mug say to the shot glass?
A: Nothing. Drinking vessels can't talk, nor do they have any semblance of consciousness. To anthropomorphize them would be ludicrous.

Q: How do you confuse a blond?
A: Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

Q:What did the German say to the black jew?
A: I'm not sure, I don't speak German.

I told my brother the best anti joke I've ever heard in my life the other day.
He didn't laugh. He is autistic and doesn't understand humour.

I love anti-jokes

What do you call a black man with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep?
Whatever his name just happens to be

A horse walks into a bar
The bar man escorts it outside and calmly phones the police

Two clowns and a fire-breather walk into a bar
They order a pint each and sit down to enjoy

What did the duck say to the skunk?
Quack

Knock, knock
Who's there?
It's the police, your son has been hit by a car

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was also dead

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

djchameleon · 02-08-2011, 03:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It's an obscure number...you wouldn't know it.

rofl I really like that one.

01-23-2011, 06:48 PM	#303 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	I drink I have no drinking problem here. first i drink then i get drunk then i fall down no problem!...

02-03-2011, 12:27 AM	#306 (permalink)
ThePhanastasio Killed Laura Palmer Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Ashland, KY Posts: 1,679	Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It's an obscure number...you wouldn't know it. __________________ Phish: Studio Discography Reviewed 100 Albums I Heartily Recommend My last.fm It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken Perhaps they're better left unsung

02-03-2011, 01:49 AM	#307 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	Q: What do you call a Middle Eastern man in the ***pit of a plane? A: A pilot, you racist. Q:What did the coffee mug say to the shot glass? A: Nothing. Drinking vessels can't talk, nor do they have any semblance of consciousness. To anthropomorphize them would be ludicrous. Q: How do you confuse a blond? A: Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community. Q:What did the German say to the black jew? A: I'm not sure, I don't speak German. I told my brother the best anti joke I've ever heard in my life the other day. He didn't laugh. He is autistic and doesn't understand humour. Last edited by Thom Yorke; 02-03-2011 at 02:51 AM.*

01-15-2011, 03:36 PM	#301 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name... The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth." Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky... The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy... "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"

01-19-2011, 02:05 PM	#302 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	Celebrity Gas Have you ever noticed that dogs often bear a striking resemblance to their owners? Similarly, farts often bring a certain person to mind. Read on, and I think you'll get the picture. Or at least a whiff of the picture. The Bill Clinton Fart: Deny, deny DENY! The Monica Lewinsky Fart: A fart occurs. There is a denial, accusations, and a big investigation. Later it is revealed that evidence has been left behind, undeniably implicating the person who really farted, and embarrassing those who participated in the cover-up. The OJ Simpson Fart: A double-fart occurs, and it's a very ugly scene. Evidence is not only found at the scene, but in in the underwear of the perpetrator, who claims that those who investigated the fart have planted the evidence. The farter vows to search and find the real farter to show that he is innocent, but all leads point back to the originally accused farter, with the evidence in his pants. The Don King Fart: The farter is nearly knocked out by his own fart -- and is left with the Don King hairdo and wide-eyed look. The Dr. Laura Fart: For the sake of your children, you left the room to fart. When you returned, you explained to them that you are sorry you left for a moment, but it was the responsible thing to do to protect their well-being. The Jack Kevorkian Fart: You emit a series of fart, each growing louder and more painful than the last. You begin to pray that the next one will be you last. The Sadam Hussain Fart: You strongly suspect that biological warfare has begun, and call for United Nations inspectors... and CNN. The Truman Show Fart: You get the strange feeling that although you are alone, someone may be watching. When you feel a fart coming, you decide to give them an audio/visual display that they won't forget. The Dennis Rodman Fart: Something's green, and you know it really shouldn't be.

02-02-2011, 07:25 PM	#305 (permalink)
Thom Yorke Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 1,848	Q: Did you hear what happened to the skinny guy that got thrown in the lion pit? A: He ate 3 before they could pull him out. Classic...