The Official Joke Thread

baxter · 01-08-2011, 02:40 PM

great read some absolute killers in there lol

djchameleon · 01-09-2011, 01:15 AM

One of my favorite go to jokes.

Three Vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire says to the bartender "I'll have a bloody mary." The second vampire orders a bloody mary as well. So the bartenders asks the third vampire if he wants a bloody mary as well. The third vampire says no, I'd just like some hot water. The bartender says "you come to a bar to get hot water, whatever" ,so he brings him back the hot water. The vampire reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bloody tampon and says " I'm having tea today"

poppie · 01-09-2011, 08:32 AM

here is one,
i came home from work one day and my wife asked me to take her some place expensive! so i took her to a gas station!.

Dayvan Cowboy · 01-09-2011, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boozinbloozin

Little johnny get a new plane for Christmas. He's playing with it in the back yard for a couple hours while his mom watches from the kitchen window. He's flying the plane through the air getting ready for his ever so perfect landing. As it touches down into the lush suburbia hell san augustine grass little johnny says..."alright".."all you mother ******* that want on get on".."all you mother ******* that want off get off". Little Johnnys mother in a state of shocks swings the back screen door open. Runs over and to Johnnys dismay snatches him by the arm and drags him to his room. With a scornful look and disgruntled but stern voice shakes her finger and says.."Now Johnny I told you bout that cussing young man!!" You stay in here till you learn to play nice"!!! Slams the door and returns to the kitchen. Bout an hour later he comes out. Finds his way to the back yard and continues his launching of another take off into the wild blue. As he lands the plane he does his pretend scenerio quite different."Ehhhem"!!.."Ladies and Gentlemen that want off"..."Please feel free to do so"....Ladies and Gentlemen that want on".."Please do so"...With his chin held high and courteous manners at their peak. He glances at the window and back to the plane and says" But if you want to complain about the hour delay..Talk to that Bitch in the kitchen"!!!!

wut?

~~James~~ · 01-09-2011, 10:24 AM

Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I can't tell you then, you might spread it.

Alfred · 01-09-2011, 11:02 AM

Two menonite women, Edith and Hettie were pulling potatoes out in the garden. Edith holds up two rather plump potatoes and shows them to Hettie.
She says, "These remind me so much of Amos' balls"
Hettie says, "Wow, are they really that big?"
Edith says, "No, but they're that dirty."

Any male members want to be involved in another joke?

poppie · 01-09-2011, 05:02 PM

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks.
Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your fukin cat!"

Zer0 · 01-09-2011, 05:36 PM

An Irishman, and Englishman, a hot Swedish girl and an old lady were travelling on a train together. The train goes into a tunnel and everything goes pitch dark. Suddenly a loud SLAP! is heard and when the train leaves the tunnel the Englishman is seen clutching his face in pain. The Swedish girl is thinking 'oh he must have been trying to touch me and he touched the old lady by mistake and she slapped him'. The old lady is thinking 'oh he must have touched the young Swedish girl and she slapped him'. The Englishman is thinking 'oh that Irish lad must have touched the Swedish girl and she thought it was me and she slapped me'. The Irishman is thinking 'i can't wait for the next tunnel so i can slap this English lad again'.

khfreek · 01-10-2011, 12:40 AM

One I made up: What do you call a woman with two extra orifices?

Spoiler for Answer:

EDIT: oh and another two

Why do polite Australians make such good hairstylists?

Spoiler for Answer:

Why do men have nipples?

Spoiler for Answer:

poppie · 01-12-2011, 09:32 AM

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

01-09-2011, 11:02 AM	#296 (permalink)
Alfred one big soul Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 5,096	Two menonite women, Edith and Hettie were pulling potatoes out in the garden. Edith holds up two rather plump potatoes and shows them to Hettie. She says, "These remind me so much of Amos' balls" Hettie says, "Wow, are they really that big?" Edith says, "No, but they're that dirty." Any male members want to be involved in another joke? __________________ LAST.FM / VINYL COLLECTION / RYM

01-09-2011, 05:36 PM	#298 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	An Irishman, and Englishman, a hot Swedish girl and an old lady were travelling on a train together. The train goes into a tunnel and everything goes pitch dark. Suddenly a loud SLAP! is heard and when the train leaves the tunnel the Englishman is seen clutching his face in pain. The Swedish girl is thinking 'oh he must have been trying to touch me and he touched the old lady by mistake and she slapped him'. The old lady is thinking 'oh he must have touched the young Swedish girl and she slapped him'. The Englishman is thinking 'oh that Irish lad must have touched the Swedish girl and she thought it was me and she slapped me'. The Irishman is thinking 'i can't wait for the next tunnel so i can slap this English lad again'. __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound

01-10-2011, 12:40 AM	#299 (permalink)
khfreek What a guy Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Brentwood, TN Posts: 2,123	One I made up: What do you call a woman with two extra orifices? Spoiler for Answer: Gunshot victim EDIT: oh and another two Why do polite Australians make such good hairstylists? Spoiler for Answer: They always wish you have a nice dye. Why do men have nipples? Spoiler for Answer: To save transvestites money. __________________ last.fm Last edited by khfreek; 01-10-2011 at 01:39 AM.

01-08-2011, 02:40 PM	#291 (permalink)
baxter Groupie Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 6	great read some absolute killers in there lol

01-09-2011, 08:32 AM	#293 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	here is one, i came home from work one day and my wife asked me to take her some place expensive! so i took her to a gas station!.

01-09-2011, 10:24 AM	#295 (permalink)
~~James~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Scotland Posts: 4,483	Have you heard the joke about the butter? I can't tell you then, you might spread it.

01-09-2011, 05:02 PM	#297 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your fukin cat!"

01-12-2011, 09:32 AM	#300 (permalink)
poppie Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New England Ma.( snow country ) Posts: 124	TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.